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The Winter Girlfriend
Hope you enjoy this guest post from my good friend, The Winter Girlfriend!
On February 2, 2012, Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow declaring six more weeks of winter. The Boy, my friend of two years and boyfriend of a few months, apparently didn't get the memo. He broke up with me via email on February 14, 2012, weeks before the actual winter girlfriend expiration date. Yes, you read that right: Valentine's Day. As a teacher, I see technology breakups everyday, amongst my young students. But, I didn't know that one would happen to me at 30, let alone on Valentine's Day.
But this isn't about him or the breakup---it's about me. I am the proverbial winter girlfriend. I have been the winter girlfriend not once, not twice, but four times. I have a pattern of starting to date a guy in the fall, only to have them end the relationship come spring.
The first time I was a junior in college. The Physicist and I met the year before while studying abroad in Holland. Although we were flirtatious, he had a girlfriend back home. When we returned to our university in the States the next fall, I found myself as his Resident Advisor and he was girl-friendless. We flirted more and more throughout the fall until we were a couple before winter break. He was my first boyfriend and my first time. I think we spent a straight month in his California King surrounded by a weird amalgamation of house plants. (Yes, I know. How does all that end up in a dorm room?) Then the beginning of May came and with it his graduation. This meant the end of our relationship.
The second time was my first love. I was in my second year of teaching, and I met The Dreamer on MySpace. We hit it off from the first lick during our ice cream date in October. It was love, until February. Then he pulled the trigger and shot me in the heart. We eventually got back together, moved into together--only to have him move out the following February. At the time, I thought that February wasn't his month. But now, years later I realize maybe it was something I was doing. Something in the type of guys I was choosing.
This same thing happened with the next one, The Hipster, and of course, most recently this week with The Boy. I continually put myself in the position of the winter girlfriend.
What makes a great Winter Girlfriend? How do I exemplify the archetype?
1. Good at cuddling. In winter, body heat keeps you warm and endorphines keep the spirits high. At 5'4", I am the perfect little spoon.
2. Make great soup and can bake a chicken. Winter is about home, and I am just a little homemaker. I'll even wear an apron for you.
3. Be cute, not sexy. I am the girl who looks adorable with my bangs and a cozy sweater sitting under a blanket on the couch. Since I don't tan, but burn, I have never been able to pull off that sexy summer sizzle.
4. Can curate the perfect Sunday morning breakfast. This is important for snowed in, lazy Sunday movie days when you don't have anywhere else to be. Lately, I always have makings of soft boiled eggs, toasted bagels, salami, and cheese on hand.
5. Live in a well-appointed cozy apartment. When The Boy entered my house, he said he had never seen a more curated space and that he felt at home. And as a real adult, I always have clean towels and a toothbrush on hand for overnight guests.
6. Have some quirky, whimsical attributes which attract said boys and make them think you are just a little off enough to make this winter a little interesting. For me this winter, it was a little toy dinosaur that sits on my bedside table and talks to my lover when I animate him.
Basically, you end up being a dude's mom---with sex. You cook food for him. You play with toys. You keep him warm. You are his dream girl, if only for a season.
I am done being the winter girlfriend. From now on, you either start dating me before August, or you are just going to have to wait until after May. I am done picking men who are willing to take a child-like position in the relationship. I am ready to be the adult, with an adult. So don't expect me to bust out my homemaker skills until you have earned them with your own. I am ready to be the anytime girlfriend.
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From Can't to Can
I’m 5’9 ½. Over the years, my weight has varied from 123 pounds after college to 167 in 2004 after three years of steroids. By 2007, though, the steroids were out of my system.
From 2007 to 2010, my weight was stable. I weighed between 133 and 135 pounds. I ate when I was hungry, and I ate what I wanted. I didn’t think much about my body, weight or fitness regime.
Cancer totally shook my body and my body image up, though. I never expected to gain weight during chemotherapy, let alone 23 pounds in four months. My oncologist prescribed a lot of medications to alleviate the vomiting that I experienced in the first round. In so doing, he threw my digestion for a loop. With the disclaimer that everybody poops, I typically eliminated once every 10 days during the four months of chemotherapy. (I cringe when I think about how many drugs were stuck in my body during that time.)
Upon completing chemotherapy in January 2011, I lost 13 pounds by April. My scale seemed stuck after that, though. However, in the past month, I’ve moved from 10 pounds to seven pounds over my pre-cancer weight. To some, that might not seem like a big deal (slight pun intended). But, as a young, female cancer survivor, there are larger issues of body image and sexuality here. There’s also the reality that many of us face:
We’re done with treatment, but we don’t look in the mirror and recognize ourselves.
Our bodies have changed.
Our hair has changed.
For some of us, our breasts have changed.
And, our lives have changed.
It’s been an effort to look at myself in the mirror without detesting what I see. (And, yes, I used the word, “detest,” purposely.) I recently realized, though, that I couldn’t encourage my students and readers to love their bodies if I didn’t start doing the same. So, I’ve moved from a place of detesting to a place of tolerating.
I also started thinking about what I could do to change my routine. There’s a part of me that would love to lose those last seven pounds. More importantly, though, I need to do whatever I can to strengthen my body before my mastectomies on April 25th. The surgeons will be removing tissue and muscle from my back and my chest (all the way to my shoulders), and I already have weak muscle tone in those areas.
I have a lot of restrictions with respect to exercise:
- I can’t do yoga because increasing flexibility isn’t a good thing for one of my conditions.
- I can’t lift more than the lightest weights because of my limited muscle strength.
- If I do more than 15 or 20 minutes of exercise, I end up exacerbating my fever disease.
- I can't do exercises in which my head is below my heart. (My pressure is already low as it is.)
- I can’t build up my endurance and stamina so that regular exercise will allow me to do more in a month or two. More than 15 or 20 minutes of exercise a day will increase my fevers, dizziness and muscle fatigue.
For the past five years, my doctors have allowed me to do 10-15 minutes of physical therapy with a resista-band at home and walk as much as I can. I love walking, and it’s the one thing that I can (almost) always do. And so, I’ve walked and walked. I try to walk at least two miles a day, and that hasn't impacted my health negatively. But, walking hasn’t changed my weight or my muscle tone either.
With Fashion for Paws and double mastectomies in April, I’ve been asking myself to focus less on what I can’t do and more on what I can do.
- I can do five to seven minutes on an elliptical (at the lowest level). That small amount will help me build some muscle tone in my upper body.
- I can do 15-20 minutes of a barre class, water aerobics or a recumbent bicycle.
- Weight machines, even on the lowest resistance, offer me more than my resista-band or two-pound weights at home.
- I can start physical therapy next month to allow me one month of preparation in advance of my surgeries.
I joined a gym last week. For some, that’s not newsworthy, but for me, it is. I’ve wrapped my head around the fact even 10 or 15 minutes of exercise can help. I’m also accepted that the membership fees are money well spent to make a commitment toward my overall physical health.
I’m working past what I can’t do and working toward what I can. I can’t do more than that, right?
What obstacles are you facing right now? What small changes can you make in your life to alleviate those problems? How can you replace a “can’t” with a “can?”
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Dreams about the Same Sex
It’s Formspring time!
Question: I am a single woman in her 30s. I date men and enjoy all kinds of sexual activity with them. Recently, in my dry spell, I’ve been having very graphic sexual dreams involving other women. I’m concerned that my psyche is trying to tell me something. Help!
Answer: Thanks for your question. Dreams can have different meanings for different people, but it’s worth remembering that sexual dreams are completely normal. Many psychologists believe that dreams about kisses or sex with a member of the same sex represent compassion, self-acceptance and self-love. Those are great qualities to possess!
You mentioned that you’ve been in a dry spell lately so it’s also possible that your subconscious is doing its part of remedying that for you. If you're also having dreams about certain close female friends in your life, your dreams might just be a reflection of your strong connection to them.
It’s difficult to infer intonation or intent in a few sentences that were written by a person I don’t know in real life. I’m not sure if your use of the phrases, “enjoy all kinds of sexual activity” and “concerned that my psyche is trying to tell me something,” merely provide background and reflect your confusion about your dreams. I don't want to ignore the other possibility, though. Have you’ve found yourself wondering if you might be interested in exploring a relationship with a woman?
Having a dream about a woman doesn’t mean that you want to have sex with a woman, but it doesn’t mean that you don’t. There’s no wrong option here, as long as it feels right to you. If you might be interested in exploring a sexual relationship with a member of the same sex, I hope you feel comfortable doing so. If that’s not of interest to you, I imagine that your vivid dreams will subside when a new partner enters the picture.
Hope that’s helpful. Good luck! xoxo
Did I miss anything, readers?
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Giveaway - Wolf in Sheep's Clothing
Want to win a copy of Victoria Levine's new book, "Wolf in Sheep's Clothing?"
This book will take you on a journey into the truth about deception, guiding you to an awareness that helps you cut through and understand the patterns of manipulation in dating and in life. Men and women of all ages will benefit by reading this book. It explains and points out how people without integrity, who have hidden agendas, will go to any extreme to achieve their desired result.
About the Author:
Victoria Levine is an author, poet, artist and mother of three. Victoria has been an inspirational speaker throughout her life in all that she has done and experienced within mothering, teaching, business and as a giver of guidance to others in all aspects of life. Victoria Levine’s artwork and blog can be seen at http://www.vlevine.com/.
Reviews:
As a country music singer, I am utilizing Victoria Levine’s expertise in every day life of the entertainment world. Reading about the different player types has helped me to see the manipulation of the different personalites of business opportunists who use the entertainment arena as their playfield. ~ Becca Hennesy, age 35
Wolf In Sheep’s Clothing showed me how to see the way boys would try to manipulate me. ~ Darian Levine, age 15
This book has helped me to see what I do not want and now I am able to focus on what I do want and bring it to fruition. ~ Carolyn Cricca, age 48
Giveaway Rules:
One lucky reader will win a copy of Wolf in Sheep's Clothing in hard copy or e-book. Hard copies can only be shipped to residents in the United States. Comment to enter for a chance to win the book with your answer to the following question:
Which ex-boyfriend was the biggest wolf in sheep's clothing in City Girl's past and why?
Answers are subjective, and I've dated several wolves so all entries with a valid name and reason will be accepted. The winner will be chosen randomly on Saturday, February 18th at noon EST. Good luck!
* Pursuant to FTC Guidelines, no compensation was received in exchange for this post or giveaway.
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Local 2/14 Giveaway and Global Event
Are you looking for something fun to do for Valentine's Day -- whether you'll be riding solo or with your honey?
On Tuesday, February 14th, SpeakeasyDC presents Making Whoopie: Stories about Sex as part of its monthly storytelling series at Town Danceboutique in the U Street Corridor. Win a pair of tickets or pay $15 cash at the door. Doors open at 6:30pm and show is from 8-10pm. It gets crowded so plan to arrive early. Grab a drink at the bar and food from the DC BBQ Bus which will be parked out front. (You can bring food inside.)
SpeakeasyDC is one of the nation's leaders in the art of autobiographical storytelling performance and education. They produce more than 20 original shows a year and offer ongoing classes for adults interested in finding story material from their own life experience and shaping into compelling narratives as a creative outlet or professional development. Click here to find out more, watch videos, or sign up to tell your own story.
If you're in the DC area and would like to attend the event, comment below and indicate whether you'd like one or two tickets. A winner (or two) will be chosen randomly on Monday, February 13th at 11am.
For those of you interested in social media, next week is Social Media Week. Twelve cities worldwide are participating in this global event so check to see if your city is involved. I'll be speaking on two panels next week in DC:
- "Sex, Politics and Social Media," on Monday, February 13th; and
- "I'm Just Not That Into You(r) Profile" on Wednesday, February 15th.
Hope to see you at an upcoming event!
* Pursuant to FTC Guidelines, no compensation was received in exchange for this post or conducting this giveaway.
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April 25th
I’m cancer-free.
And, I’m so thankful for that.
But, that’s not the end of the story for me.
I haven’t wanted to celebrate because I knew what was likely on the horizon. I haven’t been able to fully exhale since I knew that mastectomies and reconstruction were looming. They’re like this large, nebulous cloud overhead (or maybe two large, nebulous clouds).
My mastectomies are scheduled for April 25th. This is real. This is happening.
I had planned to schedule the mastectomies for the summer, but I shifted around my schedule to allow the surgery to happen sooner. I'm much calmer since I no longer need to wait five months.
It’s an interesting part of the journey to observe people’s confusion and reactions at the fact that being cancer-free doesn’t mean being done with cancer. Kind and well-intentioned friends and acquaintances want me to be healthy; they want my life back to normal. I get that, and I want that, too. But, that doesn’t mean that it’s a simple road from here to there.
On the chance that you’re wondering why I’m getting mastectomies now, here are the reasons:
1. I’m 38 years old, and I’ve had 13 breast biopsies and four lumpectomies. My breasts are fibrocystic and dense with a lot of calcifications. That’s why I’ve had so many biopsies, and it’s expected that I’d continue to have biopsies every year if I did not have the surgeries;
2. I was unable to tolerate hormonal therapies, which have been shown to significantly reduce a woman’s risk of recurrence. (When my doctors recommended lumpectomies in 2010, they assumed that I would be able to tolerate this class of medications);
3. I was diagnosed at 37, which means that I have a higher rate of recurrence than older women;
4. Because of my health history, I’m ineligible to participate in any studies for new breast cancer drugs or vaccines; and
5. The thought is that my mom and I have a breast cancer gene that has yet to be discovered.
A few hours after I scheduled the surgeries, a friend sent me the following quote by Vaclav Havel:
Hope is not the conviction that something will turn out well but the certainty that something makes sense, regardless of how it turns out.
I don’t believe that my breasts are killing me, and I could have the surgery and still get breast cancer again. But, I have a significantly higher chance of getting breast cancer again if I don’t get mastectomies. To me, this game of life is a numbers game. I’m playing my hand according to the probabilities.
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Giveaway- Custom Body Pillows
Valentine's Day is just around the corner.
It's not just about the romance; it's time to think with your heart!
CustomBodyPillows.com is giving away a custom pillow to one lucky reader.
Captured Moments You Can Hold
Custom Body Pillows provides a unique, hands-on way to cherish your favorite photograph. Whether the love of your life, your child, grandchild, beloved soldier overseas, or a treasured pet, your custom pillow would preserve a special moment in your life. Custom Body Pillows makes that moment huggable, enabling you to hold on to it, quite literally.
This was our mission, and we are happy to say that we have been very successful in accomplishing it. But what we have learned from our customers is that our custom pillows mean so much more than we ever imagined to many people around the world. Here's a story from one of our customers and what her pillow means to her.
Kim Klune is a writer for "This One Wild Life." Just before her 41st Birthday, she was diagnosed with three incurable diseases affecting her hands and rendering them temporarily crippled. In a recent article, Kim talks about the immediate devastation from the diagnosis and later the comfort she felt from being able to take her Custom Pillow of her Newfoundland, Shamus, with her as she traveled out of state for treatment. You can read her article here.
It's letters like Kim's and many others that make the hard work and long hours at Custom Body Pillows worthwhile.
So, in addition to the free giveaway, we will be donating 20% of all sales for the month of February to the American Cancer Society to show our support for research and hopes for a cure.
WANT ONE OF YOUR OWN?
It’s easy. Create an account at CustomBodyPillows.com. Upload and crop your favorite hi-resolution image (not from a cell phone). Choose the color of your fur-like backing. Add text if you like. The design team is always available for assistance. And rest assured that Custom Body Pillows are made 100% in the USA. Delivery takes less than 15 days.
Giveaway Rules:
Custom Body Pillows will be providing one pillow to a lucky reader to be chosen on Friday, February 10th at noon EST. To enter, just comment below with a description of the photograph you'd like to have on a custom pillow. You must be a resident of the United States to enter. Good luck!
*Pursuant to FTC Guidelines, no compensation was received for this post or hosting this giveaway.
Comments (5)
Is Honesty Always The Best Policy?
Let’s tackle a reader’s question from Formspring!
Question: I have a best friend, Jenn, that’s been dating her boyfriend, Joe, for about six years. He’s in jail. It’s been one year, and Jenn has been waiting for him. She moved in with Joe’s parents. She told me a month ago that she slept with another guy. Jenn asked me what should she do -- help!
Answer: Thanks for your question. This is definitely a tricky situation. I’m typically of the mindset that honesty is the best policy, even if negative repercussions ensue as a result of being honest. I’m also a huge advocate of open communication since that’s a key component to a healthy relationship.
I find myself wondering, though, if there’s a prison exception to these ideals. Joe is in jail, and that experience will have an enormous impact on his sexuality, his self-esteem and his relationship with Jenn. You didn’t mention how long Joe will be in prison so there’s also the issue of the growing emotional and physical distance between them
It sounds like Jenn needs a listening ear and support at this time. When Joe is released from prison, Jenn and Joe can figure out what the future holds for them and their relationship. I’m not one to advise lying by omission, but it might make sense for Jenn to wait and see what happens before adding further stress to an already difficult situation.
There’s a separate issue here relating to how friends interact with each other. If you feel strongly about whether or not Jenn should tell Joe what happened or stay with him in the long run, you need to broach those topics delicately. Let her know that you love her, appreciate what a tough situation this is, and will support her no matter what decision she makes. If you believe she should tell Joe or not wait for him to get out of prison, don’t phrase those things directly or bluntly. Express your concerns to her and indicate why you’re worried. Remind her that you’re telling her this as an over-protective friend, but that you will continue to stand by her as you always have.
The reason that I’m emphasizing what you say and how you say it is because friendships can be irreparably damaged when people are too direct with their thoughts about partners, parents or children. It's also rare that tough love between friends will change someone's actions. Jenn needs to make her own decisions and mistakes, as she takes comfort in knowing that friends like you will have her back.
Good luck to Jenn, Joe and you! Please keep me posted.
So, readers, did I miss anything? What boundaries do you set in terms of what advice you give your friends?
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A letter to my students
Dear Sexuality and Social Media Students:
Thank you for submitting your Sexual Genograms. After reading your papers, I became reflective on my development and sexuality from my childhood through my early 20s. I came to DC the summer after my junior year at the age of 20. When I think back on that year, I recall:
• Dancing on the platforms at the Fifth Column and the Vault (two clubs on F Street that no longer exist);
• Watching the sunrise from the window of my boyfriend’s apartment;
• Many a laugh with the other Wellesley interns, Bex and D. (I'm still friends with them all);
• Feeling like the world was my oyster educationally and professionally;
• A lot of partying;
• Starting to go paralyzed (wish I was joking); and
• Believing that I knew a lot about sex because I was comfortable with my sexuality and had a lot of sex.
I had two major relationships that year. One was with the Diminutive Russian and the other was with UConn Boy. There were a few common themes to those relationships:
• I was really naïve. I not only believed the best in them, but I thought I could change them. Both of them worked in the bar business, and both had problems with alcohol;
• I confused sex as love. Being in DC was the first time that I lived away from parents and professors and felt like an adult. I think I craved the comfort and stability that a relationship (seemingly) provided;
• I liked the rush of dating bad boys and the excitement of never knowing what would happen next, but I emotionally wasn’t strong enough to handle the downs without a lot of Kleenex nearby; and
• Body image issues. The Diminutive Russian constantly belittled my weight. Being an impressionable, Type-A 20-year-old girl, I lost 20 pounds in eight weeks after I met him. I found the strength by the end of the year to stop tolerating his abusive comments, and I moved out of his place a few days later. I started eating healthy again later that year with UConn Boy's help. He didn’t make a big deal about food or my body so I learned not to either.
By and large, that feeling of being at peace with my body lasted…until this year. Appreciating my post-treatment body has been really tough for me. I look at women playing with their ponytails and try not to cry. I don’t recognize myself in photos. I don’t open the closet with the dresses that are still tight after so many steroids. I cringe anytime someone gives me a compliment.
Your genograms reminded me of what matters, though. Every stage of our development brings with it changes. In college, you’re laying the foundation for who you are as an adult professionally and personally. You make mistakes, and you pick yourself back up. You try new things to figure out what you like and don’t like. You do your best to feel comfortable in your own skin and with your own sexuality.
During class, I look out at you all and see a room of beautiful, intelligent and compassionate students. I hope that none of you talks about yourself with any self-deprecation or thinks of yourself negatively. It's time I start taking my own advice.
Our appearance changes with each decade and certain life events (puberty, attending college, pregnancy, health issues, reactions to medications, etc.). We can do our best to accept what is and work toward what we want, or we can be so upset at our own reality that we undervalue ourselves. I don’t have control over my hair and weight right now. I can either let that define and limit me, or I can focus on what I do have. I can’t promise that I won’t cry at times over how different I look, but I can promise to you, my readers and myself that I will try to appreciate the body I have now. We all deserve that.
Thank you for inspiring me! I know that you will continue to do so long after I'm no longer your professor.
Best,
Stef Woods
PS You might enjoy reading my advice to my 20something self or my post about what happened when I ran into The Diminutive Russian in 2009. No Kleenex required.
PPS Relationship ups and downs are normal. Being subjected to demeaning remarks, controlling behavior and/or physical abuse is not; it's unhealthy and unacceptable. If you are a victim of dating violence, please reach out for assistance on campus or through the DC Coalition Against Domestic Violence.
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Safety First Giveaway with Lucky Bloke
Sex is exciting.
Walking into a store, and purchasing condoms, not so much.
And, running out of condoms isn’t just awkward - it can have some very unwelcome consequences.
There is simply no reason to be without condoms when you need them. That's where Lucky Bloke, the ultimate condom subscription service, comes in.
Discreet and affordable international delivery of top-selling condoms and lubricant.
We have carefully selected the top condoms in the world – including, Kimono, Glyde, Billy Boy, RFSU, Durex, and Trojan condoms. You can create your own personalized collection for monthly delivery.
Change it as often a you’d like. (That definitely will allow for exploring new products in absolute privacy, or sticking with tried and true favorites! Whatever you desire...)
A subscription to LuckyBloke.com offers discreet and reliable delivery of top-selling condoms at affordable prices. Sent via mail, your fresh, new condoms arrive – no matter where your global travels might take you.
Your monthly subscription to LuckyBloke.com is something you can count on. You can place it on hold or cancel any time.
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Lucky Bloke is willing to give THREE readers a one-month subscription. Each winner can go on the site and choose whatever monthly package of condoms fits his or her needs and activity level. (Condoms are provided in packages of six and a monthly subscription ranges from six to 24 condoms.)
How will this giveaway work?
1. One winner will be chosen on each of the following days: Tuesday, January 31st, Wednesday, February 1st and Thursday, February 2nd.
2. Since the theme is "Safety First," the person who comments first with "Lucky Bloke," on each of those days starting at 2pm Eastern Standard Time (11am Pacific Standard Time) wins. If you win for one of those days, you may not enter again.
3. Lucky Bloke will contact each winner to collect on the subscriptions. The winners will not be automatically signed up for the service.
4. Lucky Bloke ships worldwide so wherever you live, you're eligible to enter!
5. There's a chance that Lucky Bloke might give an additional fourth subscription to the person with the best comment. So, if you can't make it to your computer or smart phone at 2pm EST, it's still worth commenting. Just make sure to include why you'd love to receive a month's subscription.
Giveaway starts on Tuesday, January 31st at 2pm EST so get your comments ready!
* Pursuant to FTC Guidelines, no compensation was received by City Girl Blogs for this post or to conduct this giveaway.
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