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Finger-licking good -- Part II
In my last post, I talked about how vibrators can desensitize a woman's clitoral nerves, making it more difficult for her to orgasm without toys. I also wrote about how using a toy with your partner could enhance a serious relationship. Now, let's move on to some other jilling-related topics.
Fingering during sex:
Since many women can't or haven't had a vaginal (also known as G-Spot) orgasm, it's important to make sure that the clit receives the attention that it deserves -- or demands. During sex, the guy can take his index and middle finger and rubs his partner's clit in a counter-clockwise motion. Each woman's preferences will vary, but that's a safe bet. The clit should be easier to find when she's already wet enough to be having sex. Your touch doesn't need to be particularly firm. Just try for a light, but steady, motion.
During his stand-up act, Ralphie May instructs guys to move their fingers on the clit in teeny-tiny circles like the clit is a little turntable. Good image, Ralphie!
Mutual masturbation:
If your woman doesn't seem responsive to you when you try to get her off with your hands, ask your partner to please herself and watch what she does. Remember, though, that not all women feel comfortable masturbating in front of their significant others so it might help to talk about this first.
The idea might seem more palatable to a shy female if she knows that it would: 1) turn you on; 2) help you give her pleasure; and/or 3) be reciprocated so she could learn exactly what you like. I've noticed that I'm more likely to touch myself when I trust a guy completely or know that I'll never see him again. Since I sometimes have sex like a male and that's not the norm for most females, I would err on the side that your partner needs to know that she's safe with you and that she can trust you with her most private desires.
For those of you who aren't in a new relationship, I still think that mutual masturbation can be sexy and a way to spice up your normal routine.
Orgasm virgin:
What if you are a female who has never had an orgasm -- clitorally or vaginally? Or, if you are in a sexual relationship with someone and you don't know if she has ever experienced an orgasm?
For self-exploration, I recommend that a woman spends some quality time with herself and by herself. Ladies, you can start with a small toy and place it just on your clit -- not inside. If you need to be relaxed first, do whatever gets you in the mood (music, candles, chocolate). It's your time to cater to you! For starter toys, I recommend a bullet or small Lelo vibrator. You don't need to go full force and buy a Hitachi wand for your first time.
It's okay to set the stage or do anything to yourself that feels good. Rub your nipples, point your showerhead toward your pussy, lie on your bed and rub your pussy lips with your fingers. Open the top of the lips and place a finger or two directly on your clit. Use Ralphie's teeny-tiny circle approach. Continue to do whatever turns you on. It might take some time (15, 20 or even 30 minutes), but you don't have to use a toy to experience an orgasm.
Another option is when your clit is hard, place the tip of the bullet or small vibrator on your clit. If you like the comfort or warmth of a shower or bath, you can look for a waterproof bullet to bring in the shower with you. Once you've experienced an orgasm, you will know better how to guide your partner to help you achieve one. Another benefit of exploring yourself on your own first is that you won't be afraid of or confused by the sensation. The mystery will be gone, and the pleasure will be all yours!
I found this to be particularly true with a G-Spot or vaginal orgasm. The G-Spot, also known as the clitoral legs, is elusive. (Again, I refer you to Dascha's post on where the G-Spot is located and how to obtain a vaginal orgasm.)
Until I had a G-Spot orgasm on my own, I didn't know how to position myself in such a way during sex with a guy to make sure that I came. From a guy's perspective, it's better to have his cock as deep inside your pussy as it can go. That feels great, but for a woman to orgasm, the G-Spot (only an inch or two in the vagina and forward) needs to be stimulated. I've found it works best for me when I'm on top – either facing him or with my back toward him -- or he's doing me from behind, doggy-style.
If you aren't sure if your partner has experienced an orgasm -- whether with you or ever, communication is important. This isn't the time to be blunt, though. Try to be sensitive with your tone and word choice, as you talk about wanting to make sex more pleasurable for her. You can also expedite the process by purchasing a small toy for her and filling her bedroom with a few of the things that she likes. Then, you can leave the bedroom, explaining that she deserves a few hours all to herself. (If she has children and/or a stressful job, you will win triple bonus points for that idea!)
When you get home or see her next, wait for her to bring up the topic. If she doesn't, give it a few days and then ask if she enjoyed her quality time with herself the other night. If she seems open to discussing things, inquire as to what in particular she liked. If she's uncomfortable discussing sex or masturbation with you, mention that she can always write you a note or send you an e-mail about her experience. Remind her that you are her partner...that you love her...and that you want sex to be as fulfilling for her as it is for you.
I hope that I've laid the foundation for my next post in which I'll directly answer my friend's question about how to finger a woman sans toys. Tune in tomorrow for those tips!
Comments (3)
Finger-licking good -- Part III
The vibrators are in the toy drawer. You know your woman can reach orgasm. You are looking to change up your normal routine. Tonight is the night for...pleasing your woman with only your hands. Going to third base might feel like it's old school, but you are armed and ready with the wisdom of adulthood. How can you put your best...wait for it...finger forward?
First of all, there's no rush. Sometimes the build-up is half the fun! Take your time to make sure she is as hot as possible. When I wrote my post on The Art of Staying Down -- my oral sex musings, a few readers commented that I should have set the stage more. Well, ask and ye shall receive!
To get the disclaimer out of the way: no body is the same, and each woman has her own preferences. These are just general guidelines, not a formula with a money-back guarantee. Listen, look and feel for clues to learn what your woman likes the best. Use some of the techniques from my previous two posts to improve your communication and her pleasure. With that said, let's round the bases and slide on into third...
If you want to win points before you even kiss her, get the room ready in a way that shows you know her and love her (chocolates, bubble bath, music, flowers, candles, etc.). Thoughtfulness and romance go a long way with the ladies!
As you navigate your first move, I recommend starting with a kiss. Now, there is kissing and there is kissing! Go for the latter, and just make-out like you are a teenager in the back of the movie theater. Remember when life wasn't so hectic, and you could kiss for hours straight. I'm not saying you have to kiss for hours (although don't let me stop you if you want to), but focus on the art of kissing. Hold her face tightly. Kiss her neck. Suck on her earlobes. Kiss with such passion that you know that she is as wet as you are hard.
Ease on down the boobs. Are your woman's breasts sensitive? How does she respond when you kiss her from her neck all the way to her nipples? Swirl your tongue in a circular motion around her nipples. Then move your tongue side to side across her nipples for several strokes before taking her nipples in your mouth and sucking on them. Watch for her reactions (breath, touch, trembling) to see if she is one of those women who enjoys "Titty-Time." If she doesn't seem particularly excited, don't linger at second base for much longer and head 'round to third. If she does enjoy boob play, then alternate between that and kissing to really get her hot!
Now, it's time to take your hands south of the border -- below her waist. Fingering a woman usually gets lost in the shuffle between oral sex and traditional sex. If you are truly interested in pleasuring your woman using only your hands, then you need to keep your cock in your pants (or at least your drawers). That's not to say that she won't get turned on by the feel of your hard cock against her, but if you want to take this experience to the next level in her mind, make it just about her!
Start with teasing the pussy. Take your index and middle finger and gently caress the outside of her pussy lips and the nook between her inner thighs. Go slowly and continue to kiss her mouth or nipples are you do this.
As tempting as it will be to bring your mouth down to her pussy, the focus here is your hands! Tickle the outside of her pussy lips with your fingers, moving them up and down or in a circular motion. Don't put them inside yet. Is she wet? If so, then you can proceed without lubrication. If not, then either grab a little bit (about a teaspoon) of lubricant or wet your fingers with your own saliva.
Bring your two fingers from the bottom of her pussy all the way up to the top and back down, pausing at the top and again at the bottom. If her clit has popped out, then pause an extra few seconds on her clit before going back down. The first part is about teasing her pussy. Try to use the other hand to hold her tight or touch her breasts, and kiss her lovingly as often as you can. Intimacy is the ultimate goal here!
Then, move your two fingers slowly and gently inside her pussy. I've found that a lot of guys try to use their fingers to replicate a cock, but I don't think that's the most effective method. Movements with your cock should be deep and at times, firm or rough. Fingers, by contrast, should be smoother. Think fluid motions. Caress your two fingers against the wall of her pussy. Move your fingers inside in a circular motion. Curve your fingers in a 'C' shape inside her and head toward her G-Spot in the front. Increase your pace if she asks for it, but don't feel like you have to jam your fingers in the hole. (The pussy isn't a game at Dave and Buster's, okay?)
I expect that you will use your more dominant hand (as in, are you left-handed or right handed?) inside her pussy first. Then, you can switch hands and keep those same motions going, as you move your dominant index finger -- with or without your middle finger -- to her clit. Start to massage her clit gently in a counter-clockwise motion. Utilize Ralphie May's visual of teeny-tiny circles on a little turntable, and play that record! (Yes, you can use those teeny-tiny circles to take her all the way to The Promised Land!)
It takes a lot of women time to orgasm (20 minutes, on average). Don't rush anything, and don't feel like you need a lot of moves to bring your woman pleasure. Listen to her and read her cues. Take your time with every part of foreplay, and head toward the big finish (the clit) at the end.
After she has reached an orgasm, embrace her and kiss her lovingly. Give her a minute or two to collect herself, and then read her cues. Some women might be ready for more oral or hand stimulation. Some women might be ready to please you or have sex. And, some women might just want to be held. If the night is truly about her, then cater to her needs from start to finish.
Hope these tips were helpful, and keep your questions coming! Tomorrow's post will take us back to 2005 -- so many more blanks to fill in!
xoxo
Comments (9)
Reconnecting with your partner
Two months ago, my friend and I were at Founding Farmers when she asked me for some sex advice. Her dilemma:
I come home from a long day at work and don't have the energy to pretend that I'm a porn star. I'm tired. I have to take care of dinner, clean the house, feed and play with our baby girl, and then get her ready for bed. I want to spice our relationship up, but most times, I'm just having sex so my husband is satisfied. Even then, I spend a lot of the act thinking about how much I have to do around the house afterward. And, just once I would love to come home and have him put our child to bed and have a bath ready for me!
***
I've heard this from quite a few of my friends in their 30s and 40s. Everyone's schedules are so hectic that it leaves little time and energy for sexy time. Some of that is to be expected. Marriage changes the relationship dynamic. Working in more senior positions or trying to keep a job in a bad economy compounds the stresses. Having children places huge time constraints on a relationship. What's a couple to do?*
I gave my friend a few suggestions and thought I would share those with you all. From my perspective as an outsider and friend, the goal here is to make both parties happy, while respecting the fact that time is at a premium. My friend wants romance and intimacy. Her husband wants to get laid. I think that both of them can get what they want!
I recommended that they find one hour a week to reconnect. Just one! Even if a week is especially hectic, family is visiting, or one person is sick, one hour is doable (pun intended).
For the first week, I mentioned that my friend should let her husband set the itinerary. A few days before the "Rendezvous," he should send her an e-mail, text or note with what he would like to happen. (Keep in mind, though, that there should be some ground rules about what would be an acceptable way to spend the hour. If you've never introduced anal, porn or another girl into the mix, now is not the time to do so. Work within realistic and comfortable realms.)
The purpose of the e-mail/text/note is to get communication going about sex and romance...to get both parties excited about their upcoming time together...to make the guy think more about what the woman wants and vice-versa. The ultimate goal is to bring the couple closer!
For the second week, the woman sets the agenda with the same rules. I told my friend that if what she wants is to have a bubble bath and a bottle of wine, then that could be her hour right there! There's a time and place for sex that's down and dirty, but there's also a place for romance.
I suggested alternating that mode for several weeks. If it helps to book a babysitter in advance, do so. Also, try not to pick the last possible hour in the week to reconnect. That way if there's an emergency, you will be able to reschedule. Remember that it's just one hour and that you deserve (if not, need) the quality time as a couple!
If that's worked for a month, then try planning how to spend an hour together. That involves communication, which is one of the keys to any healthy relationship. Maybe make a plan to try something new as a couple? You don't need to go buck wild, but get out of your comfort zone or your routine a bit. A new position, a new place, a toy, a sex book or a porno flick...anything will do.
Or, write a few of your ideas for how to spend the hour down and ask your partner to do the same. Put those pieces of paper in a box/bowl and then pick one piece of paper out and focus on that activity for your hour.
If one hour works with your hectic schedules, then add a second hour. You don't need to reinvent the wheel of your default relationship mode or try to spend five hours a week in bed together (unless you want to, that is). But, it's worth it for you both to find ways to reconnect on a romantic and sexual level.
Think of this like an exercise program or diet plan for your relationship. If you lose 10 pounds in a week, such rapid weight loss is tough to maintain. Likewise, most of the couples that I know don't have the time or energy to spend hours upon hours in the bedroom. Pick a realistic way to spice things up a bit! And, remember that small changes will have long-term benefits!
*I realize that this post caters to breeders or power couples, but I wanted to answer my friend's question first.
Next Post: Tips for any couple to spice things up (regardless of time, age, stage, marital status or whether there's a kid in the next room). I'll also throw in a few ideas for those women who don't particularly enjoy sex and some reminders for my female readers to embrace their bodies -- whatever size and shape they are.
xoxo
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A City Girl Challenge - Part 2
Have you orgasmed today? Yes, YOU! If you have, give yourself a pat on the back from me. If you haven't, what are you waiting for? Oh, you're at work, are you? Okay, then maybe now isn't the best time to get your City Girl Challenge Gold Star. But, since you're reading this post already, why don't you keep going and save the ultimate goal for later?
In my last two posts, I answered my friend's question about reconnecting with her husband and threw out some ideas as to how to raise the sexual bar when you are in a relationship. I promised a few tips for my single girlfriends so here goes:
1. Have you had an orgasm? Clitoral? G-Spot? Anal? If you have had one or more of these, great! If you haven't, then why not give it a try?
Most women have the ability to orgasm clitorally so I would start with that. Pick a time when you won't be disturbed. If you need to set the stage for yourself with music, candles, erotica literature or anything else, do so. There's no right or wrong here. You can even start with a few fingers massaging your pussy or bond with your shower head. Then, place a small bullet or vibrator on your clit and enjoy!
If you have mastered the clitoral orgasm, then move on to the G-Spot. It's there, but it can be tricky to find. Don't get frustrated if you can't orgasm on your first attempt or aren't sure if you've found it. You can always get off clitorally and try again another day. My first G-Spot orgasm came from The Rabbit so I recommend that toy as "The Old Faithful."
Is anal of interest to you? Why don't you see if you like it with a small toy inside your ass? Get a good lube and make sure that you orgasm clitorally before you use an anal toy. (It helps to be relaxed and have all the muscles calm.) Again, you might not be sure if you've actually achieved an anal orgasm, but the end goal isn't necessarily the point. Sometimes getting there is half the fun!
2. Have a [insert your name here] afternoon. There was an episode of Sex and the City in which the following conversation took place as the ladies were having drinks:
"What did you do today?" one of the girls asked Samantha.
"I stayed at home and masturbated," she replied.
I LOVE Samantha afternoons! Getting off makes me happy, and I really enjoy seeing how many times and in how many ways I can orgasm. So, mix up your routine and give yourself a block of time to see how often and in what forms you can cum. Have you gotten off clitorally and vaginally at the same time? Clitorally and anally? Used a hand in one place and a toy in another? Figured out how many clitoral orgasms you can have in a row?
If time is tight, why not make rush-hour traffic or a long day of meetings a little easier to bear? This small Lelo vibrator is perfect for having a discreet quickie with yourself!
3. Do something just for you:
Get fitted for the right sized bra. (Neiman's, Nordstrom and Bra Tenders are my favorite spots for that, but I've also heard good things about Intimacy and La Petite Coquette.) Looking good can translate into feeling good about yourself, and around 85% of women are wearing the wrong sized bra! Find at least one bra with matching panties that makes you feel amazingly sexy and wear the set whenever you need a pick-me-up.
Buy your first porno, erotica book (Anais Nin is a great blend of literary excellence and erotic excitement) or subscribe to a naughty magazine or website. Something that turns you on...that you've wanted to try, but haven't.
4. There's definitely a ready...set...cum portion to this challenge – and my blog. But, a huge part of my strong connections with my female friends is emotional. We are cerebral, feeling creatures and those qualities should be embraced. With that said, I think it's always good to reflect upon where I've been and where I'm going. That might be something you'd also like to try.
Are you single and happy about it? If so, great! If not, are there ways that you can broaden or utilize your social circle to meet guys? What activities do you like to do for fun? Do you know what you're looking for (dating, friends with benefits, a committed relationship) if a guy asks you out? What did you learn from your last relationship(s) that can help you in the future? Do you have any unresolved issues with your ex-boyfriends? (I was the Queen of that problem, but found that time and writing about things in a journal or on this blog helped me to process my feelings and finally move on.)
5. For all women regardless of relationship status, STOP beating yourself up over your body. How many people do you know who are perfect from head-to-toe-to-heart-to-brain? Guess what? None! If you want to lose a little weight or tone up your muscles, I'm not discouraging you from that in the slightest, but work on loving the skin you're in!
Our bodies change after a certain age. (I didn't believe it and then I noticed the differences between 25 and 30.) Having children, smoking and lying in the sun also can affect your appearance, but try not to be self-deprecating about any changes that you see. Look at the guys you know. Do you see any of them freaking out or trying to get laid less because of their beer guts, grey hairs, receding hair lines or cocks with less stamina? No! Do you really think that your current or potential partner cares if you have a few extra pounds or stretch marks on your body? No, he doesn't. We all have physical imperfections, but when you are interested in someone, you look beyond those superficial things, right? So, try to care a little less about your minor flaws and focus on what's sexy about you now!
So...be sexy...be you...and keep cuming! Xoxo
Next Posts: Back to 2005 and filling in the blanks.
Comments (2)
Can a threesome help you reconnect?
In response to my posts on reconnecting with your partner, one of my friends suggested the option of "trying a threesome." I think a threesome might not make sense if the ultimate goal is to get closer with your significant other, but I appreciate that there are different strokes for different folks (pun intended). A few thoughts, for what they're worth:
1. For a straight couple, a threesome tends to be a fantasy for the guy and not the girl. If your girl is bisexual or truly comfortable with exploring her sexuality, then bringing another woman into the bedroom might be a fun activity to raise the sexual bar in your relationship. But, I would do a lot of communication before to ensure that there aren't a slew of problems afterward.
Is your girl really as into this as you are? Make sure that she is not just doing this to please you, and let her know that you will not leave her or cheat on her if she doesn't feel comfortable with having a threesome.
If she is genuinely open to this, what are her ground rules? Be specific. What can you do to the other woman? What can the other woman do to her? If any participant wants to stop, what is the "out" word or phrase? ("I don't feel comfortable with this" should get the point across, but it's okay to use a code word if that makes you feel better.) Will the other two people respect the third person's wishes and walk out of the bedroom?
Is it better to pull in a female friend of hers or someone that neither of you know? That's very couple specific. If you have a threesome with someone you are close to, there are pros and cons. On the one hand, everyone might feel more inclined to relax around each other because of the shared history. On the other, you all might feel more awkward or nervous since you know this girl -- either at the time or after the fact.
If you ask someone you don't know that well to join you in a threesome, how or where will you meet such a willing participant? Can you trust that she will respect the ground rules? Will you ask her about her health history beforehand or not? Will all of you feel relaxed enough around each other?
Where will this go down? Is a hotel more discreet than your home? Is it better not to have this happen in the bedroom you share with your partner? Or, do you prefer to have home field advantage?
2. Conduct a cost/benefit analysis in advance! I recommend talking with your partner beforehand about the goals of this evening. Are there other, better ways to reconnect with each other? Could you go to a strip club together and then go back to your bedroom? Bring a porno movie or toy into the mix? Take a class together with a sex educator? Go to a resort for couples? Are there other fantasies that you both have that could be fulfilled?
My concern with a threesome is that once you go there, you can't unring that bell. If it doesn't work for any reason at all, what will happen to your relationship? Is it worth losing your partner?
So, the moral of this post: proceed with caution! I'm not saying that a threesome isn't a way to reconnect with your partner, but I would make sure that the benefits clearly outweigh the risks and that everyone is on the same page!
You pick my next post(s)! I can:
1. Continue with 2005 events (trip to NYC with The Crummer, first official date with Philly Matt, and cameos from Lawyer Boy and Married Matt);
2. Write about my personal experiences with threesomes (entertaining, but definitely not as racy as you'd expect);
3. Write about JAG Man, the new guy I've been dating; or
4. Write my response to one (or more) of the following three questions and then get back to 2005 events:
a. What do I think about talking dirty?
b. How do I have rough sex even with health problems?
c. How do I meet so many guys?
Which would you prefer? Comment, tweet, IM or e-mail :)! xoxo
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Musings on multiples
"If I had to choose between getting off once with a guy or being by myself and getting off as many times as I want, I would rather be by myself," I recently told one of my girlfriends.
I was reminded again last week of the fact that quite a few men don't understand multiples. As in, orgasms. This fascinates me on some levels, and disappoints me on others. When I want to cum more, I want to cum (a lot) more!
I talked last night with my friend, Z, who has also been blessed with the gift of multiple orgasms. We started to speculate as to a guy's perspective on the matter:
Is he intimidated by multiple orgasms because he doesn't understand them?
Do they confuse him because he can't relate from personal experience? (Men typically cum once and then need a recovery period before they can even attempt to try again.)
Is he in awe of multiples? Like there's a unicorn in the bed? I've noticed that response from two younger guys that I briefly dated. They just looked at me with their eyes and mouths wide open in awe of what they had just witnessed. Then, they brought up how it must be because I'm in my sexual prime in my 30s. (No, it's not. I could orgasm like this in my 20s.) I didn't last long with either of those guys, but at least they didn't shy away from the pussy and kept at it like I was a Whack-A-Mole game at Chuck E Cheese.
When I say that Lawyer Boy was the best lover that I have ever been with, a large part of that was that he made sure that I always got off as much as I wanted. He had a sixth sense when it came to my pussy, I guess. Every other guy in my life – and yes, I've been with my share of men – has left me hanging at one point or another. And, some guys have left me hanging every time we were together. That's just not right. Not right at all!
Research from the Kinsey Institute found that approximately 15% of women can have multiple orgasms. So, if you are with a woman who falls in that very fortunate category, what should you do?
Communicate beforehand. The new guy knows that I like to get off a lot and that I can have multiples. But, I don't know if he knows what that means from a hands-on perspective. Maybe he thinks that I can only get multiples from vaginal or anal sex? (Not the case.) Maybe he thought that was something I only enjoy when I'm alone? (Multiples are perfect anytime!)
If a guy asks me, "Did you orgasm?" The answer is almost always, "Yes." But, for me, that's not the right question!
These are the right questions:
"How many times?"
"Are you done?"
If I don't get up, I'm not. If I go to grab a toy, I'm not. If I say, "no," I'm not! I just don't get how any of that is confusing!
As a girl, if you are exploring your ability to achieve multiples, I recommend doing that on your own first. Once you've mastered the art, then you can better replicate it with a guy in the room.
For a guy, if you care about the girl you are sleeping with (as I hope you would), then talk to her in advance. If you don't feel comfortable broaching the subject with her before you have sex, then look...listen...and feel when you are in bed with her.
After she has her first orgasm, what does she do? If she reaches for water, gets up to go to the bathroom, moves her body (whole body, not just that region), goes to please you or kiss you, then she is probably done. If she stays in exactly the same position, starts to touch herself or is moving her pussy in front of you, then she is probably not finished.
At that point, it's okay to ask if she wants more. Or, just try to touch her again and see her response. Ladies, please let your men know what you like and what you don't. If you are satisfied, say so. If you aren't, then find a tactful way to switch positions, ask for more attention, suggest trying a toy, or whatever would make you happy.
What if you are having vaginal sex and your woman can only achieve multiples with you inside her? That's a tough one. When the female cums, it's only natural that the guy wants to do the same, right? So, guys, you have a choice:
1. Either you need to channel your thoughts so that you do not cum until she is good and ready and on her last orgasm (that will require self-control from you and communication with her); or
2. You need to have a toy ready and feel alert and comfortable enough to put that toy inside her after you pull out. (That requires a different kind of self-control since the hormone levels of a man after he cums make him sleepy.)
Whatever option you choose, the goal here is for everyone to have a good time. "One and done" might work for you, but does it work for your partner? I can't answer that, but I hope that you can!
How have you dealt with multiples? Comment, tweet, text or e-mail :). Oh, and if you comment, you don't need to use your real name or e-mail, if you don't feel comfortable doing so. The spam filters are good, but anything that seems real will get through.
Next Post: Threesomes or my date with Philly Matt (depends on my mood). xoxo
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Anal 2.0
Since I started blogging, my Anal 101 post has garnered the most hits. I've been thinking about what I could add to help straight couples explore back door lovin'. A few friends have asked me follow-up questions about anal sex so I thought I would answer one of them.
(As a disclaimer, some of the information in this post might seem crass, but that's not my intention. Anal sex isn't -- and shouldn't -- be calm and clean so a post about anal is by its nature going to be racy.)
My boyfriend is very big. I started to try anal, but it really hurt. What should I do, City Girl?
Communication and patience are your friends! This is why I don't recommend having casual anal sex. If you are in a relationship with someone, you should be able to talk about things openly and in advance. There needs to be an understanding that anal sex can't be rushed. Thrusting hard might feel good for him, but if you are in pain, it's doubtful that anal will be part of your sexual repertoire for very long. Think slow and steady.
Pick a night to introduce a finger or two into the mix. Focus on the clit and pussy first, and then ease on into the ass. Have a good lube on hand. Start with a finger or two on the outside of the anus, and then slowly put one finger inside. The goal here shouldn't be for you to orgasm or for the finger to simulate a cock, but rather, to get you more accustomed to anal play.
After you feel comfortable with fingers, try a small anal plug or bead inside your ass. Again, the emphasis is on using the toy to supplement the experience. It helps if you have already cum clitorally or vaginally before you pull out the beads so you will be more relaxed.
When you are ready to have anal sex for the first time, follow the tips that I laid out for you in my Anal 101 post. To reiterate one of those suggestions, I do not recommend having anal sex on a full stomach. That just increases the discomfort and chance that you will feel nauseous or have to go to the bathroom.
After you have reached orgasm with some pussy stimulation and have prepped the ass a bit with a finger or toy, have your man put a handful of lube on his cock and in your ass. Then sit on top of your man with your back facing his chest. That should work no matter his height, weight or "size," and is also the most natural position for your body to relax your anal muscles.
With you on top, you also have more control in terms of how much of his cock you take in and the pace of the thrusts. Remember that both can be gradual and in a manner that is enjoyable (or at least tolerable) to you. If it starts to hurt, take some deep breaths for a minute and then see if it still hurts. If so, stop, ask your man to release his cock, and go to the bathroom.
"Why the bathroom?" you might be wondering.
Well, sitting down will help your muscles relax. There also can be a feeling at the beginning of anal sex that you have gas or have to go to the bathroom. (I'm not trying to gross you out here. This is just the anatomy of things.) Heading to the ‘loo will give you more privacy on the chance that there is any "activity" in that region.
Upon returning to the bedroom, try again. If the act is still painful after a minute or two, then try a different position. What feels comfortable for you will depend on your body and your partner's body. (When I refer to "body," I mean height, weight, how tight your ass is, and how large his cock is.) Be sure to communicate with your partner if you feel any discomfort. Most guys will not be able to tell that you are in pain, unless you speak up! Your partner also needs to know that if you say, "Oww" or "Stop," that he should release his cock from your ass immediately.
As you are becoming comfortable with anal play, know that the sex doesn't have to lead to orgasm – initially or ever. If anal sex is painful or makes you feel like you have to go to the bathroom, don't continue it. Release his cock from your ass, go to the bathroom, grab a washcloth on the way back to the bedroom, wipe his cock down and then enjoy some oral or traditional sex. It's okay to save anal sex for another time. I won't say that the act is like riding a bicycle, but your body and muscles will become more acclimated to it.
There are women who do not enjoy anal sex at first, but after several attempts, find that they not only enjoy it, but also get a lot of pleasure from the act. You never know until you try, right?
Happy Exploring :)!
Comments (9)
Lube Job
So, I'm not a medical professional or a certified sex educator. But, I am a sex blogger who is comfortable talking to her friends about sex and writing about it for a larger audience. Over the past few months, the topic of lube has come up on several occasions. With the disclaimer that I'm no lube-ologist, here are some musings about using lubrication:
1. The majority of my female friends and readers are in their mid-20s to early 40s. There's a thought that only menopausal women (and not those in our demographic) need lubricant. But, women in our age groups might need a little help getting wet in times of stress, when they are on medication, or after giving birth. I think there's a misperception that a need for lube means that your pussy has dried up or that there's something wrong. Let's try to reframe that, k?
If you are too dry south of the border, then sex isn't fun (or easy) for either you or your partner. But, that doesn't mean you need to stress over it. Treat it the way that you would if you and your guy are getting ready to have sex and his little head isn't cooperating. Sometimes you just need to preheat the oven before baking, right?
Getting the attention you deserve (read: not need, but deserve) often requires communication. Ask your man to touch you or go down on you. Suggest breaking out a small toy. Or, start jerking him off as you touch yourself. If none of those methods are doing the trick, break out a bottle of lube.
Now, you don't need to make a big production out of it. (A guy doesn't tend to show disappointment if he can't get hard right away or if he cums too quickly or takes too long to cum.) No apologizes or excuses. Just get some lube, look your man in the eye and say,
"I just want to make sure things are nice and wet."
Paraphrase as you will, but there's a way to be honest and still be sexy.
If you are a guy, don't look down on a woman bringing lube into the mix. The need for added lubrication is physiological, not a reflection of your skill or lack thereof at turning her on. The goal here is to make you both as ready for sex as possible. If a little extra lube can get her there, that shouldn't be viewed as a bad thing!
2. What lube should you choose? If you are just looking for some added lubrication, go for a water-based lubricant. A water-based lube is condom-safe, silky smooth and closest to a woman's own juices. K-Y is the most popular brand and easiest to purchase because you can get it at any drugstore or grocery store.
But, Better Sex Essentials Liquid Lubricant beats other brands hands-down. It's not as sticky as K-Y or similar drugstore brands, and you get much more bang for your buck since a huge bottle is $12.95. (Puns intended in both sentences.) Better Sex also doesn't feel as thick as most lubricants, which can provide a more natural sensation.
3. What about the new K-Y Yours+Mine products?
Last year, K-Y introduced a set of lubricants. One bottle is designed for men, and the other bottle for women. When you combine the two products, there's supposed to be a warming sensation that brings maximum pleasure for both parties. Now, these products can help a woman get wet and a man hard, but they also work if a couple is already excited.
Three couples in my group tried the products with three different results. (That serves as yet another reminder that what might be right for you may not be right for some. And, yes, I just quoted the theme song from "Diff'rent Strokes" in a sex blog post.)
Couple #1: He liked it, but she loved it. A lot. She found sex to be even more pleasurable so she and her partner kept using it. And using it. She used it so much that she developed a bit of a reaction to the product. The bottles are currently collecting dust in her bathroom closet.
Couple #2: He liked it, but she was too sensitive for it. She is able to have multiple orgasms, and the added sensation caused her clit to throb before his cock was even near her pussy. He put his hand on her clit without moving her fingers, and she came. The product heightened the experience so much so that it was distraction from the actual act. Two minutes later, she washed the product off of her. She gave the bottles to her friend.
Couple #3: She liked it, and he loved it. They experienced the warming sensation on the first try and continue to use the products on a regular basis. They enjoy the Yours+Mine set so much that they should be spokespeople for K-Y!
Gold star if you can guess which couple included me...
Next Post: Anal lubricants. (Yes, I'm actually writing a two-part series on lube. I'm really a sex blogger, huh?)
Comments (4)
Lube Job 2.0
As we travel down the road toward Lubrication River yet again, let's talk about two more issues regarding personal lubricants.
In Imerika's comment to my last post, she mentioned that some of her friends thought that K-Y's Warming Gel lubricant burned. The need or desire for lubrication is a personal one, but her words got me thinking...
If it's your first time purchasing lube, you don't have to go for the bells and whistles. Avoid the scented, flavored, tingling lubricants, and just try plain old lube. As I mentioned in the last post, Better Sex Essentials wins with respect to how it feels, how long it lasts and how much it costs. But, K-Y liquid and Astroglide are basic lubricants. Safe or boring might not work in some arenas, but when it comes to lube, don't view basic as a bad thing, k?
If you are ready to explore scented, flavored or tingling/warming lubrications, go for it! Just remember to apply sparingly at first. You can always add more lube later, but if you put too much on too quickly, it might cause discomfort or a burning sensation. Some women can also develop a reaction or irritation to scented or flavored lubricants so less is more.
Communication and listening to your body also play a role in experimenting with lube. If anything feels uncomfortable, stings or is painful, stop immediately! Get up and rinse the product off of you. Don't feel embarrassed in the slightest. If anything, you can turn it into something fun,
"I don't like this lube. Let's go in the shower so we can rinse off before I [blow you, fuck you, bring you back to the bedroom, etc.]."
With respect to lubes for anal sex, lubrication is critical to the process so explore what's out there as your man explores what's in there. Experiment to see which one is most comfortable for you and which is most pleasurable for you and your partner. I also encourage you to read online reviews or ask for input at your neighborhood sex shop. We all naturally have our own preferences so it can help to get more information at the beginning to make the most informed decision.
Water-Based: If you are looking for a lighter, natural lubricant that also has the advantage of being condom-safe, then stick with water-based. K-Y works, but it might make more sense to invest in a better-quality lubricant that lasts longer and is more cost-effective. Better Sex Essentials fits this bill. You may have to reapply depending on how long you are having sex, but you or your partner can do that with more lube or a few drops of water.
If you'd like something that's a little thicker, but still water-based, go for ForPlay Gel or Sex Grease. ForPlay feels more natural, but Sex Grease last longer. Different strokes...
Any of these brands are odorless and non-staining. There's no need for the whole world (or a family member or cleaning woman) to know that you are using a lubricant.
Petroleum-Based: These lubricants feel less natural, which makes for a more intense experience. That can be a good thing or a bad thing, depending on your perspective and your comfort with anal sex. If you are a newbie to back door lovin', then you might want to avoid petroleum products for a while. Petroleum is oil-based and heightens the sensations more than water-based so be prepared for the kind of sex that you feel from the top of your head to the bottom of your toes. Petroleum lube may bring such intensity that the sex becomes painful. If that's the case, speak up and stop! Or, petroleum lubricants might make the experience more erotic. If that's the case, speak up and continue!
Doc Johnson's Anal Lube is a big seller in the petroleum arena. The pump dispenser is convenient, and you get a lot of bang for your buck. Keep in mind that petroleum lubricants are not condom-safe.
Silicone-Based: Silicone-based lubricants are thicker than water-based, but not as thick as petroleum-based. They last longer than water-based lubricants so there's less of a need to reapply during sex, but they are greasier/slicker. Sensations are a little more vivid than water lubes, but less intense than petroleum. Apparently, they are the best for sensitive skin and cause the least irritation of all types of lubricants. And, they are condom-safe.
Wet Platinum and Swiss Navy are popular brands. According to the saleswoman at The Pleasure Place, there isn't a difference in the ingredients in silicone lube. People tend to make purchases based on packaging, size and cost. She recommended Swiss Navy for the pump dispenser. Based on online reviews, some people love Swiss Navy's dispenser for the convenience, while others found it to leak after the first use.
If price is an issue, sex shops in DC charge $5-$10 more per bottle of lubricant than online drug or specialty shops.
In my personal experience, Swiss Navy beats out the other brands for its smooth consistency and convenient pump dispenser. It's all about trial and error, though, to find what's most pleasurable and comfortable for you and your partner.
Oh, and Gold Stars to Imerika, Tyler and Bulldog Clyde for correctly guessing which couple I was a part of in my piece about the K-Y Yours+Mine lubricant!
You guys know me well ☺! xoxo
Comments (3)
When sex hurts
Two friends recently approached me with almost identical questions about what to do when sex is painful:
I have endometriosis and having sex hurts. I don't even really like having sex because it's so painful, but I try to do so every now and then. If I don't keep my husband happy, I worry that he'll go out and cheat on me. Do you have any suggestions for me, City Girl?
First of all, know that you are not alone! A study by Brigham and Women's Hospital reveals that 16% of women experience chronic pain from intercourse. 16%! The causes might vary, but if you have severe pelvic pain, then even the thought of sex might make you cringe with discomfort.
Now, as you probably know already, I'm not a health care professional or certified sex educator. (I'm a lawyer, which might explain why I love disclaimers.) Painful sex is a medical problem so I strongly suggest that you talk about this with your doctor! You can broach this question to your gynecologist, primary care physician or endocrinologist. You don't have to get into a lot of detail about your situation -- just enough to get the point across. Simply explain to your doctor that you experience pain during intercourse because of whatever reason (if you know what that reason is) and wondered what he or she recommended.
No matter your religion, culture or upbringing, remind yourself that sex is not a dirty word. Also remember that you are not asking your doctor anything that he or she hasn't been asked before. And, finally, if your doctor is not someone with whom you feel comfortable talking about your body, then get another doctor! Every patient needs to be his or her own advocate, and finding a health care provider who is approachable and has a good bedside manner is your right!
If you are experiencing endometriosis or a condition that causes pelvic pain, also check with your doctor to see if you are medically-cleared to have sex. And, be specific. My doctor still laughs about the fact that when I was told I couldn't have sex for four weeks after surgery, I asked the following,
"Vaginal? Oral? Anal? What about fingers? Can I orgasm clitorally? Play with toys?"
As memorable as that interrogation was, my doctor answered every single question. I waited the time I needed to heal and was given the clearance to do everything I wanted in four weeks. If getting that specific with your doctor is too embarrassing for you, then it's okay to write your questions down and present your doctor with the list.
It's also important to speak up with your partner. No one who cares about you would want you to be in pain. Period. (If you question that for a minute, try reversing the situation to assuage your fears.) It's okay to say, "Ouch!" or "Oww!" or "Can we switch positions?" You can even bring up the topic when you aren't having sex to let your significant other know that you find certain things uncomfortable or what he can do to make the experience less painful for you.
Other ideas to make sex more pleasurable for both of you:
1. Take a pain reliever an hour before you will be having sex. If you aren't on a prescription pain medicine, then two Advil or Motrin should work. Try to stop the pain before it reaches its peak;
2. Have your man get you off once before he enters you. Make sure that your muscles are as relaxed as possible;
3. Figure out which positions and what pace are most comfortable for you. And speak up when it hurts and especially when it feels good;
4. Try some mind over matter/biofeedback techniques. If you tell yourself, "this is going to hurt, but I have to do it or my husband will have an affair," then that doesn't put you in the best mindset to have sex. What if you try to be more self-affirming? Remind yourself that you are excited to be making love with your husband. Try to retrain your thoughts to focus on the pleasure, rather than the pain;
5. Think out of the box. Literally! If vaginal sex is that painful, then mix it up. Perfect your skills at giving a blow job or a hand job. Give anal sex a try. Talk with your man as to what he enjoys or wants to explore. Find other ways to increase intimacy (notice I didn't write orgasms);
6. Plan on taking a bath after you have sex. If there's discomfort or any bleeding, you might find a bath to be soothing;
7. If you aren't going to a doctor about any of this, start! Depending on your level of pain, there might be medical or surgical options to make your situation better. If you are open to alternative or Eastern medicine, you might search for a good, licensed acupuncturist, Reiki master, or herbalist. If there are psychological issues coming into play that affect your views on or discomfort from sex, please talk to a therapist or social worker to help you process your feelings; and
8. For the guys, let your women know that you love them, want them to feel better, and aren't going to cheat on them when the sex isn't as great or as frequent as it once was. And then...stick to that!
xoxo
Comments (0)
Anal 3.0: The Back Story
After writing my previous posts about anal sex, I've received several questions about the topic. Here are some of my thoughts to those questions, as we delve into the back story about anal:*
1. Will it hurt?
Yes, of course. It's not exactly like putting a square peg in a round hole, but there's a reason why some girls comment that their asses are Exit Only. The amount of pain varies, though, depending on how large the relevant body parts are, and your pain threshold.
It will help immensely if you prepare beforehand and have patience during. Try a small toy or finger first. Purchase a high-quality lubricant (Swiss Navy or ForPlay). Take your time and take breaks. Communicate with your partner and make sure he knows that you control the pace and intensity at first. Read some of my other tips about positions that are more friendly for first-timers or those who are experiencing some pain from anal sex.
Rest assured that it does get easier with time and practice. If back door loving is a somewhat regular part of your routine, then eventually, it should only hurt during the first thrust or two, if at all.
2. I'm a straight guy. Isn't anal sex just for gay guys?
No!!! The anus is an erogenous zone, irrespective of your sexual orientation. Yes, homosexual males may engage in anal sex more than the average straight couple. But, why should that concern you any? Your sex life is just that...yours! You should determine what works for you.
Since the ass is naturally tighter than the pussy, anal sex feels different...more intense...and possibly, more pleasurable. An intimate act with your girlfriend or wife doesn't need to be a lifestyle choice or a step on the path toward homosexuality. Think out of the box (pun intended), and with all due respect, check yourself for some homophobia.
If you are comfortable with your sexuality, and you and your woman want to try something new, then why not give it a go? Keep in mind that you can also lay down some ground rules. You may find that you enjoy pleasing your girl anally with a finger, toy, tongue or your cock, but have absolutely no desire for her to touch or lick you in that area. Talk about these things beforehand to figure out both of your comfort levels.
3. I'm worried about...umm...the smell...or anything else coming from back there.
Good question! I think of the book, "The Gas We Pass" and the fact that occasional, minor activity is an occupational hazard with anal sex. Barring a parasite, food poisoning or severe IBS, you should NOT have the same reaction that Tucker Max's girl did during their first foray into anal.
Take your time in the days prior and the minutes before full penetration to acclimate yourself and your ass to the sensation of back door fun. Communicate with your partner (that's a recurring theme if you haven't noticed).
Don't eat a lot of food prior to having anal sex. If you do, some positions might make you feel like you are going to throw up, or toward the end of intercourse, there might be a slight odor in the room. Will it be atrocious? No. But, it will smell like gas or worse (crap).
If that happens, wait until your man cums, laugh about it ("you tapped that ass, baby!"), excuse yourself and come back with a match or candle. It doesn't need to be a big deal if you don't make it one. Likewise, if you feel comfortable enough having anal sex with your man and vice-versa, then you don't need to ignore the obvious.
Try to eat foods that are healthy (low in fat and salt) and more on the bland side to ensure that these things don't arise. If you are on a date with your man beforehand that includes dinner at a fancy restaurant with rich foods, don't deprive yourself, but don't overeat either. (Don't feel bad about any of this either. If you've read my blow jobs posts, I also mention that high salt in a man's diet affects how his cum tastes. Our bodies are wondrous things, but they don't always cooperate as we would like.)
If you have a sensitive stomach normally, be cautious. If you go more than the average person, then don't have anal first thing in the morning. Translation: make sure that you have gone to bathroom and eliminated as much as you possibly can before you have anal sex. That will help make the experience more pleasurable for you both.
There might be a small bit of residue when your man pulls out. If he used a condom, then clean up should be easy. If not, you might want to have a washcloth handy or offer to go get one.
Afterward, you may notice that you are more gassy than normal. (Again, I'm talking about a normal bodily function so don't view this as a big deal.) Logic dictates that the lube and cum that go in have to come out. It won't be anything that your man or anyone else will probably notice, but it's better to know the lay of the land in advance, right?
Happy to answer any more of your questions regarding this or anything else. I wouldn't view any of the above information as a deterrent from anal sex, but rather, that being more informed now may prove useful later.
*I'm not a doctor or a certified sex educator. These are my friendly suggestions and should not be construed as medical advice. (Hey, I'm an attorney by trade so I have to work the disclaimers.)
PS It is ironic that I'm writing this post from a bagel shop in Herndon, Virginia. Herndon was recently named the Most Obscene City in America. That's amusing to those of us who live in the area. As I'm at my laptop, I spy:
1) A mother and adult daughter bopping to the Phil Collins music playing on the radio as though they were at a concert in 1988;
2) Three women enjoying coffee. One can't stop talking about her weight, one has a Kate Gosselin haircut (why, o, why?), and the third could easily get a part in any upcoming Real Housewives of Herndon; and
3) Not a single outlet in here, let alone Wi-Fi.
Aah! The joys of the (obscene) suburbs! xoxo
Comments (7)
An anal query (and Honey Trap review)
One of my favorite bloggers sent me a great question via comment in response to my Anal 3.0 post:
I am a man and have no interest in anal sex. Does this make me a prude? How should I discuss this with a woman who really enjoys it?
His question made me think about the women who read my posts who have absolutely no interest in trying anal. At all. Ever.
Here are my thoughts:
1. I have no interest in anal sex. Does this make me a prude?
Of course not! Your sexual boundaries are for you alone to set. If anyone calls you a prude and you aren't in junior high at the time, then he or she really isn't someone to whom you should be devoting much energy! (Paging Brooklyn Boy. Paging Brooklyn Boy.)
It doesn't make you a prude, shy or unwilling to explore if you don't care to have anal sex. What constitutes sexual exploration is completely subjective so setting boundaries doesn't just apply to anal sex. You should stick with bedroom activities that make you feel comfortable (and hopefully, aroused). I'm not saying that you shouldn't expand your horizons and try something new, but how far you go and what you do is for you to decide. There is no wrong here. Whatever feels right to you is what's right!
2. How should I discuss my disinterest in anal sex with a partner who really enjoys it?
Anal sex isn't something that you tend to have by accident. Given how tight the anus is and the need for ample lubrication, it's doubtful that your cock is going to slip into your partner's ass. If either partner wants to enjoy some back door lovin', then prior communication is key! (It's not for nothing that in every sex advice post, I stress communication with your partner!)
If you aren't interested in anal sex, be honest and tell your partner why. Then, ask your partner what she likes about anal sex. Those answers might give you some clues as to what she finds so appealing and get you both thinking about how you can replicate the sensation by other means.
Are you open to licking her ass (rimming)? Could you pleasure her anally with fingers or a toy? Could you have oral or traditional sex with her while she has a toy in her ass? Does she enjoy the naughty factor of anal since it's not something that everyone does? If so, is there something else (sex in public, bondage, etc.) that you could try to give her that heightened level of satisfaction?
If the man is interested in having anal and the woman isn't, what could provide a similar tight sensation for him? Would he be open to having traditional sex with a cock ring? Playing with a pussy pocket or Tenga while his girl licks his balls or kisses him passionately? Watching a porn of anal sex while having traditional sex in a position that puts his woman's ass in clear view? Is the female amenable to a finger or two in her ass during foreplay or sex and would that provide him with enough excitement? Would more blow jobs satisfy him?
I think it's also important to determine if anal is a deal breaker for either party or could lead to one partner cheating on the other. I can only speak from personal experience that if I'm in a relationship with a guy who doesn't love anal sex as much as I do, then our relationship won't work. I realize that a shared love of anal is not the first or the most important thing in a relationship, but since it's a deal breaker for me, I'm honest about that.
I would hope that everyone would be that open with their partner, especially if they are in a monogamous relationship, but I fear that's not always the case. Married Matt and Lawyer Boy told me several times that their wives, Katie and Darby, would not ever have anal sex. But, if these women knew how important anal sex was to their husbands, would they have felt differently? (I have to think that if a woman knew that her husband would cheat on her and get anal elsewhere, that she might be more inclined to give it a try.)
In the end, it's about communicating with your partner, finding sexual activities that respect both of your comfort zones, and enjoying your sex life! And, at Thanksgiving or any time of year, a healthy and happy relationship is something to be thankful for!
Happy Thanksgiving everyone! xoxo
***
Product Review*
I love honey! The smell. The taste. Poured in my tea. Drizzled on a dessert. Inside my moisturizer and soaps. Since I'm such a fan of honey, I was excited to see the Honey Trap Lip Balm inside of the True Romance box of goodies I received from Lush.
I opened the lid to the small tin of Honey Trap and the warm, delicious smell of honey filled the air. Mmm...mmm! I put my pinky finger in the jar, and noticed that the consistency was lighter than most lip balms. It wasn't greasy, grainy or dry. I'm not sure how Lush blends honey, olive oil, shea butter, vanilla and beeswax, but it works!
I applied a thin layer to my lips and liked how it felt. The balm isn't shiny, oily or heavy (all pluses to me). And, the taste is heavenly! I wanted to keep licking my lips, but I saved that for Buckeyes Boy ;).
I passed him the tin so that he could try Honey Trap, too. I wondered how it would be when we kissed each other with the balm on our lips. Some products make our lips a bit greasy, which causes the first few kisses to be slippery. Other balms designed to soothe very chapped lips can be too medicinal tasting. But, Honey Trap was perfect! It smelled good. It tasted good. And, I liked the smell and taste even more when his honey lips were on mine!
The next day I used the balm four times. By the end of the night, my lips still felt dry. If I had to find one weakness to Honey Trap, it would be that the balm didn't keep my lips soft for very long. I have a feeling that I will use the lip balm more by itself when the weather is warmer and my lips aren't in need of so much moisture.
I prefer to use the balm over my lipstick and lip gloss. I love wearing lipstick and lip gloss, but haven't found ones with vibrant color that also smell and taste good. A little dab of Honey Trap on top of my lipstick works perfectly! The balm doesn't change the color of my lipstick, but makes my lips smell and taste great! When Buckeyes Boy comes home from work, my lips are ready and waiting for a hello kiss! Like a bee to honey...
*In accordance with FTC Guidelines, I was given this free of charge from Lush Georgetown in exchange for my honest assessment of the products contained within.
Comments (5)
Sex toys with your partner...wanna play?
I received the following e-mail from one of my favorite girls a few weeks ago:
Professional advice – no, not legal! I've booked a romantic bed and breakfast for our anniversary and I want to bring a toy. I've searched your blog for recommendations for first time toy buyers, but maybe this piece hasn't been written yet. Any advice?
My girl was right that I hadn't yet addressed this topic so I decided to turn my answer to her question into a series of posts. Here goes...
Toy purchases are a very personal thing. There's no wrong or right since every body and everybody are different. Be open to trying new things and then...try new things! Some products will be hits and some will be misses, but in the toy department, even the misses aren't that bad ;).
If you are looking to buy a toy to use with your partner, figure out what your objective is. (And, for those of you who are not in a relationship right now, fear not! I'll be getting to my recommendations for toys to use for those very important date nights with yourself soon.)
Are you and your significant other interested in:
1. Clitoral stimulation while you are having sex;
2. A toy for your man to use on you as foreplay or to finish you off after sex; or
3. A toy to use in either your pussy or your ass to mimic double penetration?
Once you know your goal, you'll be more likely to pick the toy that will best meet your needs. The most common reason to pull a toy in during sex is to help the woman orgasm clitorally. Since only 1/3 of women can achieve orgasm from traditional sex alone, a toy to stimulate the clitoris isn't just nice or fun; it's an important part of a healthy sex life!
There are several options and price ranges for toys that will get the job done. What works best for you and your partner is going a personal decision, but getting there in this instance is half the fun!
1. Cock ring and bullet: A cock ring is designed to be stretchy and accommodate all sizes. The ring slips over his cock in a way that isn't painful, but adds enough pressure around the base so that your man should be able to last longer before he cums. The bullet attaches to the top of the ring so that it rests on your clit as he thrusts in and out of you. Most bullets use two or three watch batteries so there should be enough intensity in the vibration to fully stimulate your clitoris while you are having sex.
There are a lot of options when it comes to cock rings (feel free to check out your local adult store or favorite adult website). To highlight two types, the leather cock ring from Babeland is aesthetically pleasing and durable, while the plastic ring by Sonic will give you added stimulation from the prongs on the ring itself. Both are in the $20 range so they won't break the bank. If you aren't sure how you feel about bringing a toy into the bedroom or are on a budget, then a cock ring and bullet combo is your best bet!
2. The Lelo Bo ring: Lelo is the gold standard of sex toys! Lelo's products look sexy, are designed for maximum pleasure, and come with a one-year warranty! Bo is a vibrating ring that doesn't require a separate bullet or attachment. It also has a rechargeable battery so you also don't have to keep going to the drug store or dealing with the low buzz (and weakened intensity) of a sex toy that needs some juice!
Bo looks like it would feel very hard and constricting, but it's actually flexible enough to slip over your man's cock with ease. The Bo ring costs $79, but you are paying for a high-quality toy with rechargeable batteries and a warranty. If you haven't used a toy for clitoral stimulation during sex before and are looking for a little splurge, then go with this!
As a side note, if you find that you are a fan of the cock rings with bullet or the Bo ring, you can always tilt the ring downward to stimulate your man's balls and the bottom of your pussy. These are toys so...play around :)!
3. The We-Vibe: If the Bo ring is the gold standard, then the We-Vibe is the platinum standard of toys for couples! Sue Johansen of Talk Sex voted the We-Vibe the best toy of 2008, and the toy has a lot of devoted fans! Why? Well, the We-Vibe is waterproof, tiny, and hands-free, and has no straps or wires.
Like the Bo ring, it's rechargeable. But, unlike the cock rings described above, the We-Vibe goes inside you and not on your man's cock. Put the C-shaped toy inside and toward the top of your pussy so that one end touches your G-spot and the other rests on top of your clit. When you turn it on, you'll feel the vibrations of the toy's dual motors on your clit and G-spot. Your man can then enter you with his cock resting comfortably under the toy.
Some women have complained that the We-Vibe slips out during sex, while others rave about the product. Again, it's all about personal preference and comfort! The We-Vibe has its benefits, although affordability isn't among them. At $139.95, the toy costs a pretty penny! But, if it works for you and provides the maximum amount of pleasure possible, then can you really put a price on that?
What have your experiences been with any of these toys? Is there another option out there for clitoral stimulation during sex that you prefer? Comments encouraged as always :).
Next Posts: Other toy-related posts (think I'll do one for the single ladies first and then finish up toys for couples next week), my first date with Buckeyes Boy, and some great guest posts by one of my favorite bloggers, Erika!
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Beginner toys for clitoral stimulation
I recently wrote a post in response to my friend's question asking for my recommendations for what sex toys she should buy for a romantic weekend with her husband. Now, I'm throwing out my picks for females who are interested in making their first sex toy purchase for solo use.
I'm narrowing the scope of this post to beginner toys for clitoral stimulation. Why, you might be wondering? Well, an overwhelming majority of women can achieve orgasm clitorally, but not vaginally (G-spot), so it just made sense to start with clit vibrators.
I'm also recommending products that are budget-friendly and don't look like traditional vibrators or power tools. I've written about a bit about clit vibrators in previous posts, but this post is intended to welcome, rather than overwhelm, first time sex toy buyers. So, without further ado...
If you've never had any vibrations on your clitoris, start small in every sense of the word. You can purchase a toy that will be used externally without any insertion into your pussy. The toys I mention below are all compact and powerful enough to satisfy any sex toy newbie!
The small Lipstick or Pocket Rocket vibrators use one battery and should give you a lot of pleasure for your buck -- $25 and $40, respectively. Both of these toys are also very discreet (in that they don't look like traditional vibrators) and easy to take with you on trips.
For you Little Mamas or Hello Kitty fans out there who want a toy that doesn't look out of place in your home, the lovely ladies at Dascha Lotus Blooms recommend the Hello Kitty Massager. It's comparable in size, strength and price to the lipstick and pocket rocket, but much cuter!
There are quite a few toys on the market that are shaped like animals* with bullet and egg vibrators inside. These toys are made of silicon and are soft and jelly-like to the touch. The bullets and eggs inside can range from the size of your pinky to your thumb, and the toys cost between $15-30.
Some of the bullet and egg animal vibrators are wireless with batteries going in the bottom of the toy, while others have wires with a small battery pack on the outside.
I have friends who love these types of toys and swear by them. But, I'm not a fan. Based on my experience, the silicone vibrating animals are not designed for durability or multiple orgasms. After a few months of use, the small little silicon pieces can fall off. (Who wants a snail without a tentacle or a dolphin without a fin?) The wires on the wire pack can fray or wear down. And, the wireless option doesn't stay in place very well. Plus, I don't like the texture of the silicone. (Who wants something that feels jelly-like...down there?)
Everyone has her own preferences so if soft and animal-shaped work for you, then by all means enjoy! There are no good or bad picks here! Most adult toy websites should have a tab for items to stimulate the clitoris so check those out for more options. Remember that this is all healthy and normal fun and happy shopping!
Other things worth mentioning:
If you haven't used a sex toy before and are in a relationship, then I recommend trying the toy out on your own first. I appreciate that you might not have much time to yourself, but try to make the time!
Enjoy the vibrations at your own pace. Experiment with the toy at different speeds or angles. Don't worry about how loud or quiet you are or what facial expressions you make. Relax. And cum.
If and when you are ready to bring a toy into the bedroom with your partner, then you will be far less inhibited and know what works for you and what doesn't. If it feels right to you, then it is!
There's a lot more to talk about with respect to sex toys for singles (including single males) and couples so I promise to write more about this topic. If you have any specific questions, e-mail, comment or Tweet :). xoxo
* I don't really understand who came up with the idea to name sex toys after animals. I think that the creative people who decide the names of OPI and Essie nail polish colors could do a much better job in this arena.
Comments (2)
Toy shopping for others
I recently overheard the following conversation at Pleasure Place in Georgetown:
Girl [holding her boyfriend's hand and pointing to a vibrator with her other hand]: So...do you think that your sister would like that one?
Guy: I don't know. Maybe she'd like the big black one? That's huge!!! [They laugh.]
I normally don't interject myself into other people's conversations, but I made an exception to that rule on this occasion.
Me: Maybe you should get something smaller or find out what she likes first? [Point to the mini vibrators on the next wall.} Or, ask the salespeople for their opinions. They're very helpful here!
What I really wanted to say was, "Your SISTER?!? Why are you buying sex toys for your sister? Abort mission! Abort!!!"
Unless you know what your friend/relative/significant other likes, I don't recommend going sex toy shopping for him or her. Buying sex toys isn't like buying a popular DVD or a body lotion that smells nice. Sex toys are not generic gifts to purchase since they are by their nature personal. It's also worth remembering that people's comfort levels in talking about sex, testing their sexual boundaries or receiving sexual gifts vary.
Want to explore with your partner or encourage your significant other to try something new?
Talk with your partner first! Communicate about likes, dislikes and sexual goals. Then, go shopping for your significant other. Or, better yet, shop together -- either online or at a store. Use the conversation and the shopping experience to grow closer as a couple.
Buying a gift for a friend?
Talk with your friend first! Make sure that you are getting your friend something that he or she would like and use. One of my friends takes her small bullet vibrators with her on vacation, and unfortunately she has a knack for leaving them in hotel nightstands. (Yes, in the drawer with the Bible...) I offered to go get her a new one since I'm in Georgetown so often.
When I arrived at Pleasure Place, I realized that there are bullets the size of my pinky and bullets the size of my thumb. I didn't want to chance getting her the wrong one (you don't mess with your girl's sex toys) so I picked up the phone and called her. She was happy, and I didn't have to worry about coming back to make an exchange!
Shopping for a bachelorette party? Sex toys or gag gifts can be fun. But, is there really a point in embarrassing the bride-to-be with a 10" plastic cock? I don't think so, but to each her own.
Looking for a gift for your relative? Stick with a book or a sweater! Seriously!
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Sex in the shower - tips & Lush product review
A comment from one of my favorite bloggers got me thinking about how I have sex in the shower...logistically. Yes, there are space constraints, running water and slippery surfaces to contend with, but sex in the shower can work. In fact, I've found sex in the shower to be incredibly hot and a welcome change of pace from the usual spots.
With that said, here are my tips:
1. When you are in the shower alone, look for things that you can grab. What's sturdy enough to bear your weight on or lean against? A towel rack? Shelf? Soap dish? Shower rod? What doesn't shift or move much (if at all) when you shake it? If there's nothing inside the shower, then think about whether or not it's worth it to you to install something.
2. What is the height difference between you and your partner? Lawyer Boy and I were similar heights and that allowed for more possibilities. Buckeyes Boy is five inches taller than me so we are a bit more limited in how we can position ourselves.
My favorite shower position involved Lawyer Boy standing closer to the shower head with his back toward the water. I stood with my back toward his chest, facing the back wall of the shower stall. I arched my back so that my butt was tilted. I held onto the towel rack -- which was thankfully installed at eye level – for leverage. Lawyer Boy could press on my back or my butt to slightly shift the angle, as needed. I could turn around and kiss him, and we could vary how much we held on to the rack or placed our feet on the edge of the tub. This was one of our go-to positions!
I tried that position with Buckeyes Boy, but the height difference and lack of a towel rack inside my new shower made it awkward. So, we've found other positions that work well. Since I don't have a towel rack for leverage, I place my hands or my forearms and elbows on the far wall of the shower itself. My body is almost perpendicular to my legs. I alternate between that and placing my hands on the back edge of the tub. (A lot of blood will rush to your head in that position so be prepared and have a little food and water in your system before you try it. I don't want anyone passing out here!)
Depending on how strong your man is, you can also try to have your man hold you in his lap. He should be standing (again, with his back facing the water so that neither of you gets drenched in the face) as you face him. Then, he lifts you up so that one of your legs is (or both of your legs are) wrapped around his lower back. If you can hold onto the shower rod or a towel rack, that will make it easier for him to thrust. If you can't do that, try to put one leg on the soap dish or edge of the tub so that all your weight isn't on him.
3. Are there water-safe toys that you can bring inside the shower with you? There are quite a few battery-operated bullets or small toys, including the Venus butterfly, that are safe to use in the water. Ladies, you might want to invest in one of those to ensure that you can achieve an orgasm with your man in the shower.
4. If traditional or anal sex in the shower isn't a possibility for you, then how about trying oral sex? I find it easiest if my man is closer to the showerhead and is facing me. Then, I can get on my knees to blow him. It's worth investing in a shower mat that is comfortable to the touch for this very purpose. You don't want to be in pain or have grooves in your knees at the end of this!
Oral on a woman is a bit trickier in the shower so I like heading to the sink/vanity area after the shower is over. I sit on the vanity with my legs out toward my man. He can either bend over while standing or kneel down on the bath mat. (Note to self: make sure you move the bud vase or any other breakables first to save clean-up afterward. And, yes, I learned the hard way, but I was so distracted at the time that I didn't mind too much.)
Sex in the shower may or may not work for you. But, I always advocate trying new things with your partner. Lather up!
Lush Product Review
The tips in the above post provide a nice segue to a product review. I recently tried Sex in the Shower from Lush's True Romance Box of goodies.* The name is sexy. And, I like the fact that the product is an emotibomb.
"What's an emotibomb?" you might be asking
Well, it's like Lush's bath bombs, but you use it in the shower. The essential oils and scents provide aromatherapy benefits. You place a piece of the emotibomb in the middle of the shower (not too close to the faucet or drain, but close enough that some water will get in contact with the product). When water touches the emotibomb, it starts to fizz and bubble, and the scent is released throughout the shower.
Sex in the Shower contains an enticing blend of Ginger, Juniperberry, Jasmine, Ylang-Ylang and Rose oils. The scent is very nice, and my man and I both liked it at first sniff. Once we broke off a third of the emotibomb and put that piece the bottom of the shower, the slightly spicy aroma filled the shower.
The product continued to fizz for 15 minutes or so. At first, it smelled nice. But, then it didn't. The scent didn't maintain its strength. And, we didn't find it particularly conducive to sex or romance. We laughed and wondered if we missed the point of the product, especially since the other items from the box that we've tried were much more inspiring. If I'm just looking for a pleasant aroma in my shower, I'd rather put a candle on my vanity.
Shower-sharing is good. Sex in the shower is better. But, Lush's Sex in the Shower is the first product from the True Romance box of goodies that I have to give a thumbs-down to. Its fizz fizzled.
* In accordance with FTC Guidelines, I received this box for free from Lush Georgetown in exchange for my honest assessment of the items contained within.
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Sex during that time of the month
Yes, folks, I'm going there. Once again, I'm blogging about sex...and dirty sex at that. I'm talking about sex during that time of the month (otherwise known as sex during your period or sex when "Aunt Flo" is in town).
A Google search of "blog" and "sex" comes up with 126,000,000 entries. A Google search of "blog," and "sex on your period" comes up with 93,400 entries. That's a big difference! Is this topic sexy to write about? Not particularly. But, do all adults in heterosexual relationships have to deal with this? Yes.
You might find this to be TMI or a gross subject. But, hey, it is TMI Thursday so I'm going to keep on writing!
Sex when the woman is on her period tends to invoke a variety of reactions and responses. What works for one person might not work for another. I know quite a few friends who don't have any sex when it's that time of the month for them. Others, by contrast, don't hesitate to hook up with their men, regardless of the mess or clean-up afterward.
A few weeks after Buckeyes Boy and I had started dating in October 2009, I knew that my time of the month was coming. I had just left the salon and was outside of Cheesecake Factory with Buckeyes Boy.
Me: Are you okay ordering while I stay out here with the dog?
Buckeyes Boy: Sure. What would you like?
Me: Sliders, Avocado Egg Rolls, Boston House Salad – no bacon, and a Vanilla Bean Cheesecake.
Buckeyes Boy: That's a lot of food! Do you want to share?
Me: Maybe the cheesecake, but I'll eat everything else. [He looks at me strangely since he knows that I don't tend to eat big meals.] I don't get cramps or those kinds of PMS things, but I always eat a lot before my period.
When Buckeyes Boy went upstairs, this conversation ensued:
Buckeyes Boy: I'd like Sliders, Avocado Egg Rolls, Boston House Salad – no bacon, a Vanilla Bean Cheesecake...
Employee behind the counter: How would you like to pay for that?
Buckeyes Boy: No...that's just for my girlfriend. [Employee looks at him in shock.] Really.
Employee: Umm...okay...so...what else can I get for you?
We found those interactions to be very funny, but it wasn't funny the next day after I got my period and tried to have sex with Buckeyes Boy.
Buckeyes Boy: But...you have your period, right?
Me: Yes.
Buckeyes Boy [with a look like I had just asked him to dispose of a dead body]: You mean regular sex, not anal?
Me: Yes. Or at least some clit action. (And, yes, I do really talk like that when it comes to sex.)
Buckeyes Boy: I don't feel comfortable with that.
Me: With what?
Buckeyes Boy [still looking scared]: The blood. It's gross.
Me: Huh? But, you're fine up my ass?
Buckeyes Boy: Yes.
Me: So...that doesn't gross you out, but my period does.
Buckeyes Boy: Yes.
[We both look at each other with odd and confused expressions on our faces.]
Buckeyes Boy: You haven't had sex on your period with other guys, have you?
Me: Yes, with almost every guy.
Buckeyes Boy: With almost every guy? You're kidding me, right?
Me: No. There are ways to make it easier. Towels, shower, certain positions, toys. Lawyer Boy would even eat me out if it wasn't heavy.
Buckeyes Boy: That's disgusting!
Me: It's not disgusting! It doesn't have to be a big deal if you don't view it that way. So, you mean every month for the rest of our lives, we can only have anal when I have my period because you won't touch me down there at all during that time? (And, yes, anal is my preference, but I also don't like my clit and pussy to be ignored.)
Buckeyes Boy: Uh huh.
Me: Okay [with an expression like I was 7 years old and he took my lollipop away].
A couple of days later, we were in the shower and a thought crossed my mind.
Me: I realized that I shouldn't give you a hard time about not wanting to have sex when I'm on my period. We all have our things. It doesn't have to make sense to me, but since we are a couple, I need to respect that. You were nothing but patient with me as I was trying to handle you inside me, and you deserve the same in return. I won't bring up the topic again next month, but I'm glad that we can still have anal.
We smiled and kissed. And, since "Aunt Flo" had left town, we had traditional sex...for about 20 minutes...before switching to anal.
So, where do you stand on this issue? What reactions have you received from your significant others? Comment or Tweet! (Feel free to comment using a pseudonym and know that I'll delete your e-mail.) xoxo
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The intimacy of anal
I have been frequenting L2 Lounge quite a bit recently. When people ask what I do (which is usually the first question that people in DC ask of each other), I mention that I'm an attorney and a blogger. The following is representative of the conversation that ensues:
Q: What do you blog about?
A: Relationships and sex.
Q: Really?
A: Yes. It's like a racier Sex and the City.
Q: Really?
A: Yes.
Q: So...what's the raciest thing you've written about?
A: I have a lot of posts on anal sex.
[Long pause.]
Other questions follow, but women tend to inquire as to what I love about anal.
A: Well, it's the most intimate sexual act in my opinion.
Q: How is it intimate? You can't even kiss during it.
A: Yes, you can [with a look of disbelief in my eyes].
If I had only heard that question once, then I might not have blogged about it. But, I've been asked that several times in recent weeks. To clarify, any position that works for regular sex can work for anal sex. However, much like traditional sex, body types, flexibility and the size of the man's cock must be factored into the equation. (I explore this in more detail in my Anal 2.0 post.)
My favorite position for anal with Lawyer Boy involved me on top, facing him. That enabled us to kiss and also kept my clit and pussy within an easy arm's reach for added stimulation. That position with Baseball Boy didn't work, though, logistically, since he was bigger in build, but smaller in other areas than Lawyer Boy.
So, Baseball Boy and I tended to go for doggy-style anal. Buckeyes Boy and I enjoy anal when I'm lying down on my stomach with him right on top of me. That also allows for some clitoral stimulation from friction with the sheets, and I can easily turn around and kiss him. We also love when he is on top facing me, and I'm on my side with my head away from him and one leg wrapped around his waist or over his shoulder.
Anal sex involves trial and error, and communication with your partner. Anal sex is also not typically an act that straight women do precipitously. Might you find some woman who is willing to do that? Sure. But, how many women are interested in trying anal? (According to a CDC report, 35% of women between 25 and 44 admitted to having anal sex.) How many of that group actually enjoy it? And, how many are willing to engage in anal play outside of a serious relationship?
I've had sex with quite a few guys in my life. But, I've only had anal with a small number of guys. (Yes, I just counted them, and my "small number" is objectively small.) I need to have trust and understanding with a man before I would even consider having anal sex with him. I also need to feel safe...to know that he will be patient and that he cares about me even to not hurt me.
If anal (or any other act) is something you value, you can always find ways to make the act more intimate. Focus on setting the stage before you begin to have sex with your partner. (Candles, music, flowers, chocolate or whatever else you like can help to set the mood.) Take your time with foreplay, making sure that the woman gets off at least once clitorally, and the act itself. Let your partner know how you feel about them. (There's time for, "I want you in my ass right now," but there's also time for "I love you.") Kiss each other passionately. At the end of anal, don't feel ashamed about any necessary clean-up, and grab a washcloth lovingly or take a shower together.
I can't tell you whether or not you'll enjoy anal or have any interest in trying it. I can only tell you that if it appeals to you and your partner, it might be worth talking more about it and trying it out with my Anal 101 tips in mind. And, I'll keep doing my part as an Anal Ambassador of sorts!
PS I just barely finished this post in time for TMI Thursday and NaBloPoMo! Whew!
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How to (maybe) orgasm during sex
A female friend recently sent me an email, asking for my recommendations for the best sexual position to achieve an orgasm. That baffled me a bit because there's no simple answer to that question.
"Why is that?" you might be wondering.
Well, one's woman multiples is another woman's "isn't the G-Spot a myth?" No two women are alike in this regard, and with that in mind, here are my thoughts:
1. Have you had a G-Spot* orgasm before?
If yes, then proceed to #2.
If no, then proceed to #3. (I so wish WordPress had a flow chart feature.)
* There was a recent journal study that claimed the G-Spot doesn't exist. It does - trust me - although a woman's ability to access it varies.
2. What positions facilitate having an orgasm during sex?
I like my men big in every sense of the word, but I actually had great G-Spot orgasms with a guy with a very small cock. When inserted, his diminutive cock could only reach my G-Spot and no further. (Give one point to the "Size Doesn't Matter" team. And, since it's TMI Thursday, I'll add this juicy nugget. Why was this old BF's cock so small? He was a former pro-athlete who did steroids. Allegedly.)
Anyway, if you can orgasm vaginally on your own, then you need to figure out what positions work best given your body and your partner's body. A lot of this is trial and error, but I recommend these positions for getting the best angles for a G-Spot orgasm during intercourse:
a. You on top with your back facing your man's chest (reverse catcher's mitt).
This allows for the curve of your man's cock to rub against the G-Spot. It also gives you more flexibility to angle your body and move your hips how you like. In this position, you can easily massage your clit, or depending on your partner's size, insert a finger to rub your G-Spot as you're having sex.
b. Doggy-Style.
This position allows for clitoral stimulation with hands and a good angle for the cock to penetrate the G-Spot. However, depending on the height difference between both partners, men and women might prefer different angles. I can orgasm best if my man is right behind me, and my butt and back are in a straight line. Most guys I've been with prefer doggy-style if my back is very arched and my hands are on the ground. That angle works for them, but isn't the best for G-Spot stimulation in my opinion.
c. You on top facing your man.
This position provides a good angle for the cock to stimulate the G-Spot. It's also an easy reach for either you or your partner to massage your clit. If you need an emotional connection with your partner to orgasm, you can kiss and look into your man's eyes during the act. And, if you and your man like to use a cock ring or the We-Vibe, this position enables the toy to stay in place and hit just the right spots.
(If you are a man reading this, err on the side of caution here! When you are having sex, just start gently massaging your girl's clit with two fingers in small circles. She may or may not orgasm, but I doubt she will protest your efforts. Also, guys, missionary might be the easiest position for you, but it's usually not a winner for G-Spot stimulation. Again, I recommend that you let your fingers do the talking here.)
3. Try to find your G-Spot.
If you haven't yet had a G-Spot orgasm, then take some time on your own to explore before trying to orgasm with your partner.
A 2005 study reports that only 14% of women always orgasm during intercourse. And, somewhere between 16% and one-third of women can never orgasm during traditional sex. Women, don't feel bad or guilty if you can't orgasm during intercourse! There's no right or wrong here, and one study says that genetics play a role in your ability to orgasm. Just spend some quality time with yourself and see what happens.
If you are a man and you don't know whether your woman is able to have a G-Spot orgasm, then there's a need to communicate with her. I recommend bringing this up when you have the time to talk and sex isn't expected. It's important to take the pressure off of the end result and focus on the intimacy of connecting as a couple!
If you've found a position that works well for you and your partner, please comment. In this regard, sharing is definitely caring!
Ready...Set...G-Spot ;)!
Happy TMIT!
Comments (7)
Comments (please?) and an oral quandary
It makes me smile that you read my blog and care so much about me! I really appreciate your thoughtful comments, in spite of the fact that some words in those comments have stung a bit a lot. Maybe I won't find "Happily Ever After" with Buckeyes Boy. Maybe I will. But, whatever happens in the future, I know that I've given someone all of me for the first time in my life. I haven't let my fear of commitment or my concern that a guy wouldn't understand my health conditions stop me from putting my heart on the line.
Have I worn rose-colored glasses at times during this relationship? Sure. But, I would rather give every ounce of myself to the man I love than wonder, "what if?" I also have faith in every sense of the word that I will end up with the perfect man for me. Some might think I'm an idiot or fool to believe that Buckeyes Boy might be THE One, but I'm okay with that.
I may blog anonymously, but all of the information in here is 100% me. I'm human so by design, I'm flawed. I'm not one who takes criticism well, but I respect that if I open myself up to the blogosphere, I also open myself up to comments and criticism.
One reader wrote an interesting comment that my poor judgment with Buckeyes Boy undermines my credibility as a dating and sex expert. To clarify, I've never claimed to be an expert in either of those arenas. I'm just a woman who loves sex and has dated her share of men. I also have been blessed (and no, I'm not using that word loosely) that friends -- and now readers -- ask for my opinion about their sex lives and intimacy problems.
I get so excited when I hear that my advice has helped because I want the people I care about – in real life and online – to be happy. I try to be honest about my strengths and weaknesses in all regards so if my relationship with Buckeyes Boy causes you to go elsewhere with your sexual and dating queries, then that's fine. I'm going to keep being me because that's all I can do.
I hope that you all will continue to comment or start to if you haven't before. I care, and by the time you put into your responses to my posts, it warms my heart to see that you do, too.
A special thank you to AP, Ash, Z and Sina! I needed to be reminded of who I am and why I'm doing this, and you all knew just what to say. xoxo
In the spirit of answering friends and readers questions, I'll tackle another one. A friend approached me at an event last week in search of my advice about a situation with his girlfriend.
Friend: So, my girlfriend doesn't like giving me oral sex. I don't know if she had a traumatic experience or not so I don't want to pressure her, but I really like blow jobs.
Me [nodding knowingly]: Rightfully so. Did you ask her why she doesn't go down on you?
Friend: Yeah. She just said that it's not her thing.
Me: Do you go down on her?
Friend: All the time. It's the only way that she can get off.
Me: Have you asked her why it's not her thing?
Friend: No, I don't want to be insensitive. I knew you were going to ask me that. [We laugh.]
Me: Are you guys serious?
Friend: Yes. We've been together for several months. I wouldn't worry about it if we weren't.
I gave him the short version of my answer at the event, but I thought I should post the longer answer here. (And, for those of you girls who have trouble getting your guy to go downtown, most of these answers should work in reverse.)
1. Pick a time to communicate with your significant other when sex isn't on the agenda. Don't broach the subject when you are in bed or in the shower since that would just add pressure or expectations to the situation. Bring it up when you have time to talk and listen;
2. Be honest and thoughtful of the other person. This subject is on your mind, but it might not be on her mind. To paraphrase what I told my friend to say to his girlfriend, "You had mentioned a while back that you don't like giving blow jobs. I feel like it's important for us as a couple to talk about this. I love you and want to understand where you are coming from since I really enjoy the act and see it as very intimate. If you don't want to talk tonight, that's okay, though. We can talk about it more after you've given this some thought;" and
3. Respect that maybe your girlfriend doesn't know or can't articulate what she doesn't like about oral sex. When she is able to give you her response, delve into the matter further with sensitivity;
a. Is smell an issue? If so, what if you try it first in the shower so she knows that your cock is clean? (Note: be sure to rinse off after soaping up since the taste of even the mildest of soaps isn't pleasant.);
b. Is she worried that she will gag? Assure her that you won't thrust and that she can take your cock in her mouth at her pace and in the position that is most comfortable for her;
c. If she's unsure of what to do, what if you bought a sex book or attended a workshop with a sex educator? Or, check out one of my blow job posts or other info on the Internet? (Be mindful of the fact that she may or may not want to do this research with you.)
If and when she's ready to try giving you a blow job, let her know by your touch and your voice when you are enjoying a particular move. We all like gold stars; and
d. If she's unsure if she wants to swallow, don't push that. Wait until she feels more comfortable with the act before you discuss the possibility of adding that level of difficulty/stress/confusion to the mix. Let her know that you will tell her before you cum so that she can remove her mouth from your cock.
If you sense that she has had some traumatic experience with a blow job in the past, proceed cautiously and lovingly. (And, by trauma, I'm referring to something that evokes tears or anger.) Give her a hug, tell her you love her no matter what, and suggest that she speak with a health care professional to process her feelings.
What thoughts do you have for my friend? Have you encountered or felt anything similar?
Next Posts: Back to Chutes & Ladders with Buckeyes Boy and a product review from The Adult Toy Shoppe.
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One orgasm at a time
Earlier this month, I received this question from one of my favorite virtual friends:
How do I stop myself from essentially being "done" after one clitoral orgasm? (I can't get off vaginally and let's face it; I'm usually alone anyway.) My body goes limp. I'm in a state of bliss and I'm like a guy who falls asleep right away. Even if I tell myself I want to have a night of multiple orgasms, I have one and change my mind.
How do you keep yourself in the mood for an extended period of time? Also, if I'm going to follow that up with sex, I'm dry and sensitive, and it's really uncomfortable. It sounds from your previous posts like you find sex to be better after an orgasm. But for me, it's the opposite. My body just says, "Umm, we're done here!" What can I do, other than lube, to help that along?
***
Great questions! Here are my thoughts:
1. One of my friends has an incredibly healthy sex life with her husband, and she orgasms like you do. Instead of viewing "One and Done" as a negative, she looks at it as "One! And!! Done!!!" She recognizes being spent as a very good thing. She also builds her connection with her partner by trying to time her orgasm with when her husband is going to cum.
Maybe you should try to reframe your thoughts about multiples since cumming more than once doesn't necessarily equate with a better sexual experience. In fact, Men's Health estimates that only 14-40% of women can achieve multiples. Although that's a wide range, you are clearly in the majority, not the minority.
2. Have you tried waiting before you try to orgasm a second time? If you feel like you need to sleep, what if you take a nap before trying to orgasm again? Or, if you are using a sex toy, what if you wait a minute (or two or 20) to let your clit relax before you try to cum again?
3. If you are using a sex toy, rather than your fingers, try decreasing the intensity of the vibrations after you cum. You can experiment with: a) taking the toy off of your clit before bringing it back at a lower speed; and b) keeping the toy on your clit, but lowering the speed of the vibrations.
4. Try different types of sex toys – from a small toy that takes only one battery to the Turbo 8 bullet to the big guns, the Hitachi Magic Wand or Homedics Massager.
I would also add a dual-purpose (vaginal and clitoral toy) to the mix. Since you haven't cum before vaginally, I would stick with The Rabbit, instead of spending money on a more expensive product. Take your time to see if you can find your G-Spot and notice how the sensations differ.
5. Does your mood or orgasmic ability change, depending on the toy you use? If you achieve a stronger orgasm with one toy over another, notice how you feel afterward. Are you more or less spent? Can you keep the toy on your clit and continue to cum?
Are there other things (candles, music, erotica literature or porn) that you can utilize to help keep you interested in the task at hand? Are you hornier at certain times during the month? (Women's hormones peak during ovulation, which typically occurs 10-14 days after the start of your period.)
6. When you're in a relationship next, experiment to see if you get a heightened sensation by mixing up the order of things. If sex isn't comfortable after you cum from oral, have your man use fingers or his tongue to get you wet, but not to the point of cumming. Then, when he is inside you, use fingers or a small toy or cock ring to massage your clit. How is your orgasmic experience when you are cumming clitorally while your man is inside you?
7. There are so many types of lubrication because it's useful! If you aren't a fan of lube, you can also try to have your significant other wait a few minutes and then try to gently use his fingers, tongue or small toy on your clitoris and around your pussy. The goal doesn't necessarily have to be to cum, but rather, to get you wet enough so it's not uncomfortable for you to have sex. You might also try moving to the shower for sex after you orgasm or taking time for your body to relax while you give him a blow job as foreplay.
8. It's worth noting that your knowledge of your body and orgasmic ability may vary with age. (There is debate within the sexual education community as to whether women really peak sexually at age 35. One doctor, Sandor Gardos, argues that there's not a hormonal or biological explanation for this peak, but rather, that women become more comfortable with their bodies and sexuality as they get older.)
There's no right or wrong here. Remember, though, that more doesn't equal better. Experiment to see what turns you on and have fun with that process! xoxo
So, readers, what tips do you have for my dear virtual friend?
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Around the rim
A reader sent me an email on Twitter last month, asking me about rimming.
(For those of you who don't know what rimming is, it involves oral-anal play. Rimming occurs when one person licks, tongues or eats out the other person's asshole. It's also called a rim job, analingus, or tossing salad. The act can be used as foreplay before sex or by itself. There is a misperception that oral-anal play is just for gay men. That's just not true. Rimming is anyone who enjoys anal play irrespective of sexual orientation.)
Here are my two (or 200) cents about rimming:
1. Does your partner want you to lick his or her ass? I don't think that's a given since I know quite a few friends of mine -- men and women -- don't enjoy anal play at all. Treat rimming much like anal sex and evaluate on a partner-by-partner basis. The majority of my ex-boyfriends have (thankfully) loved anal sex as much as I do, but only one of them wanted me to give him a rim job. There's not necessarily a correlation between whether a guy wants to have anal sex with a woman and whether a guy wants to be on the receiving end of oral-anal play.
2. So...how do you find out if your significant other is interested in rimming? Communication! I never recommend going into any type of anal play blindly since not everyone enjoys that. Pick a time to broach the subject when there is no expectation of sex. Openly talk about likes, dislikes and concerns.
a. How do you or does he/she feel about fingering the anus? If you are or your partner is open to that, how much of a finger feels pleasurable? Sometimes a little goes a long way. Does saliva provide enough lubrication or do you need to use lube for finger-anal play?
b. How about licking? How much tongue is too much? Does it feel comfortable to have some or all of the tongue inside the anus or is just the outside better? (Some of this is trial and error when you are in the moment, but it helps to talk about the act in advance.)
c. Is your partner open to using anal toys? Is there an interest in having a finger lead to a tongue and then lead to a bead or butt play? What are the limits?
d. If you are a man trying to gauge if your woman is interested in having anal sex, it's helpful to talk about what she does or doesn't feel comfortable with. Does she view fingers and a rim job as part of the process to become more acclimated to anal play or does she view those acts as unrelated from anal sex?
e. Are there health concerns here? Make sure that your partner has gone to the bathroom and fully cleaned out his or her system before you head in that direction. (That seems like Rim Job or Anal 101 to me.)
But, there's another, far more serious layer here. There is a risk of hepatitis from rimming. Are you and our partner exclusive? Do you want to get tested for hepatitis, other STDs and parasites before you explore the fine art of salad tossing? Will you be using a condom before you engage in rimming?
Since it's worth noting, yes, you can just let your fingers do the walking or tongue do the talking when you are engaging in hand or oral play. (I actually didn't know how much I enjoyed rimming until a one-night stand with Dominican Boy .) If you care about the person you are with, though, I think that communicating in advance strengthens both your emotional connection with your significant other and the pleasure during the act itself.
3. Now, what if you like to receive a rim job, but don't want to give one to your partner? (That was the second question that my friend on Twitter asked of me.) A few clichés come to mind:
Tit for tat;
What's good for the goose is good for the gander;
Giving is better than receiving; and
You gotta suck it up.
I realize that none of those are particularly eloquent, but I think you get my point. I believe in reciprocity in the bedroom. It doesn't need to be 50-50, but if you want to receive something in the bedroom, it's only fair that you also give.
Think about what doesn't appeal to you about the act and try to remedy the situation. Maybe you first try licking your partner's ass in the shower after you've made sure the area is clean? Or, you could start with a finger before you move on to the tongue? You also don't need to stick your whole tongue inside of your significant other's anus. You can start with just the tip and ease both of you into the act. For those who like anal play, using the tongue on the outside of the anus -- back and forth like a paintbrush or in a clockwise motion -- can be extremely pleasurable.
You might also want to see if your partner would be open to using a toy in lieu of or before your tongue. Would you feel more relaxed doing it if you've already gotten off or had a glass of wine first? Or, can you please yourself with one hand or a small toy while licking your partner's ass?
Once you do bring your mouth down to the anus, don't do so begrudgingly. If you focus on the negative, it will be less enjoyable for both you and your significant other. Try a few mind over matter tricks. Remind yourself that you enjoy pleasing your partner. Feel sexy because you are doing something that turns him or her on. You might also feel differently if you try to give someone you love a rim job versus engaging in oral-anal play with someone with whom you are in a more casual relationship.
You might enjoy rimming. You might not. But, keep communicating with your partner and experimenting in whatever ways makes you both feel comfortable!
PS Part II to this post about what to do when you are engaging in oral-anal play coming soon.
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Talk Dirty To Me
A few months ago, a friend asked me for advice about talking dirty to her boyfriend. More recently, two other friends added to that with questions about how to take the dirty talk up a notch (Dirty Talk 201, if you will) and how to encourage guys to talk dirty without talking in a vulgar manner.
As I started thinking about what I would write, I realized how subjective this topic is. What is sexy or dirty to you might not be so for me and vice-versa. Nonetheless, I decided to grab the dirty bull by the horns and share my thoughts with you all. Here goes:
1. Where are you now?
There are people who never curse. There are others (like me) who use curse words as part of their daily vernacular. If you and your significant other do not curse or curse infrequently, then it would seem out-of-character to look at him and let out a barrage of expletives and slang words.
The same holds true if you and your partner are not accustomed to talking dirty virtually or in real life. You need to assess how you normally interact as a couple. Then, working within your comfort zone, take it up a notch.
If you aren't big on cursing or dirty talk, try it once or twice in a text message or in the bedroom when the lights are out. If that seems like too much for you, think of phrases when you are by yourself in the shower and whisper them out loud. Get yourself warmed up to the idea by finding expressions that excite you.
Don't push it or it won't sound genuine. It doesn't sound sexy if you say anything in a monotone or apprehensive voice without any conviction or passion behind it. But, if you feel comfortably naughty saying or texting a word, then your partner should sense that and reciprocate.
I can't write about talking dirty without thinking of Lawyer Boy. He and I used to text each other all the time in the following vein:
Missing your [blank].
Can't wait to kiss/lick/suck/fuck your [blank].
Can't stop thinking about your [blank].
At times, we would fill-in-the-blanks. Other times, we purposely wouldn't fill-in-the-blanks and a longer sexting conversation would ensure about what we would do when we were together next. We had an entire language that started in our dirty texts to each other and carried over into our dates. Secret words or phrases that only you two share can be sexy!
I would also set the stage for our next rendezvous through texts as if I was providing background details for a play:
Scene 1: You walk into the door. We don't talk and just start kissing. I move my mouth away and get on my knees. I unzip your pants and take your hard cock into my mouth. Deeply.
Scene 2: When you are close to cumming, you help me up and move me over to the living room. You bend me over the side of the couch. You lick me from my pussy to my ass until I'm nice and wet before you enter me.
And so on...and so on...
I got hot writing the scenes, and Lawyer Boy got hot reading them. But, all of that paled in comparison to how hot we got when we acted out the scenes.
If that seems too extreme for you, take it down a notch. How about sending a text or e-mail with a question about lingerie, a new toy or a fantasy?
I was trying on outfits to wear when Lawyer Boy got back from Miami and wasn't sure if he would find my naughty schoolgirl costume from Halloween cute or not. I texted:
Naughty Schoolgirl outfit – hot or not?
Lawyer Boy: Hot.
Me: White or black thigh-high tights?
Lawyer Boy: Black.
Me: Great - thanks! I want to make sure my teacher is happy ;).
None of those words were vulgar, but our sexting still achieved the desired result. I got excited knowing that he approved of the outfit, and he had a hard time keeping his cool on the plane (pun intended).
If you are both swamped with work and life, then incorporate notes, texts or calls into your routine to reconnect. Even if you only have an hour to devote exclusively to each other each week, send a text or write a note beforehand to build up the anticipation for that hour. A note or text can remind a person that he or she is valued, appreciated and sexy!
2. Know your audience.
What do you find hot? What does your significant other? Work with that. Lawyer Boy and I would incorporate legal terminology and racing metaphors into our sexy texts and bedroom conversation. Baseball Boy and I liked sports references. But, I wouldn't text Lawyer Boy about football any sooner than I would text Baseball Boy about subrogation. Stick with the appropriate frame of references.
If your girlfriend or wife has never expressed an interest in anal, then I wouldn't send a text or make a comment in the bedroom about that. Likewise, if your boyfriend or husband isn't the quickest when it comes to double entendres, then steer clear of those.
Be yourself with a little extra spoonful of mischievous fun!
3. What manner works best for you?
How do you and your significant other communicate? Is sexting a good way to spice up your relationship, or is e-mail a better fit given your preferences as a couple? Did you write letters and cards to each other when you first met? What about video chat or Skype? Do you and your significant other like to talk on the phone? Or, are you people who thrive on face-to-face conversation?
Stick with what is comfortable for you both if dirty talk is a new element to your relationship. You don't need to go full speed right out of the gate. If you aren't sure where to start, a simple text or message (in lipstick on the mirror or scented stationery for the ladies, and on a note with a red rose for the men) that says, "I Want You," should do the trick.
And, remember, as with anything involving intimacy and sexual boundaries, there's no right or wrong if it feels okay to you both.
***
Is dirty talk a part of your routine? Would love to hear what you find sexy!
I have more to write about Dirty Talk (picking the right time and place, knowing when to say when and upping your game) in a subsequent post. Tomorrow, I'll be writing something special for Women's Writes, and then on Tuesday, I'll get back to my tales of the boys. (And, yes, I meant for that last word to be plural - hehe.) xoxo
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Bad rabbit
Question: What is the most popular sex toy for women?
Answer: [So...did you venture a guess yet?]
My answer would be: The Rabbit.
It's low on price and high on power. The toy gets the job done, whether a girl is interested in finding her G-Spot or achieving a clitoral orgasm with a vibrator inside of her. If you go to any adult toy website, there's inevitably a variation of The Rabbit hopping around on the page of Bestselling Products.
But, what if your favorite little -- or not so little, as the case may be -- bunny wasn't healthy for you?
I hadn't thought about the health risks of sex toys until a lunch with Dr. Ruthie this week.
"Who's Dr. Ruthie?" you might be wondering.
Well, she's a sex educator and coach. (As an aside, she and I are planning to host workshops together in the coming months. If you're in the DC area, stay tuned for more details on my blog and Twitter. And, fear not, you out-of-towners, we've also talked about holding virtual workshops via U-Stream.)
Anyway, when you get one sex coach and one sex blogger in the room, the subject naturally turns to...sex! We started discussing sex toys and product reviews, and Dr. Ruthie mentioned that a lot of jelly-like vibrators on the market contain phthalates.
"What's a phthalate?" you might be asking like I was.
It's an oil-based chemical that is used to soften plastic. According to a Greenpeace-TNO study, phthalates, also known as PVC, have been linked to liver and kidney damage, testicular problems in boys, and cervical cancer, infertility and birth defects in women. The study found that even minimal exposure to phthalates can be harmful and that certain sex toys contain an inordinate amount of this chemical inside of them.
What's in your toy arsenal? A Rabbit? A jelly-soft vibrator? A small cute plastic Dolphin or Snail that stimulates your clitoris? Do you know whether any of your toys contain phthalates?
I have to be honest with you that I don't. There are a lot of products in my toy drawer, and quite a few of them are made with a jelly-like rubber material because that feels better. But, I've now learned that soft to the touch might not equal good for my body! The study estimates that 60% of the ingredients in The Rabbit are toxic and linked to birth defects and cancer. 60%!
Will I use a toy from hereon forward without knowing if it is phthalate-free? HELL NO!!! It's simply not worth the risk to me, and I hope that you feel the same about your own body and health.
"Why are these items even on the store?"
Well, sex toys are viewed as novelty items, and thus, they aren't subject to government regulations. Government agencies have banned the use of phthalates in children's toys, but there's no body with jurisdictions over the use of the same toxic chemicals in sex toys.
The fact that the sex toy industry isn't regulated frustrates me on several levels. It's 2010, and yet, we still live in a Puritanical society. The government doesn't want to involve itself in sex toys, and some states, like Alabama, ban the sale of sex toys completely. The lack of regulations of the sex toy industry:
1. Perpetuates the misperception that the use of sex toys is unhealthy;
2. Ignores the reality that people are purchasing and using adult toys;
3. Ensures that toys are sold without safety issues in mind. From a health perspective, it should be the norm, and not the exception, that sex toys are made without carcinogens or other harmful ingredients; and
4. Prevents distributors and stores from properly educating consumers about products upon request without fear of criminal penalties or losing their business licenses.
It crossed my mind that the sex toy industry caters to gay males and females. If heterosexual men were the largest consumers of adult toys, would regulators have responded differently to the Greenpeace-TNO study? Why are women's health issues consistently marginalized by the government and medical professionals? Why are gay men's sexual practices viewed as deviant? If straight men were using The Rabbit, do any of us really think that 60% of the ingredients used to make that toy would be toxic?
Why haven't we, as consumers, been better informed about the possibility that products that we put inside of us might be harmful? I'm mad, and I hope that you are, too. As an avid user and advocate of sex toys, I'm shocked that the first that I heard of this was a casual comment with a new friend over lunch. Sexual exploration is healthy and normal, but we shouldn't have to do it with fear that fun with a toy today could lead to serious health risks down the road.
I don't know that a few readers can make a difference in overturning centuries of American views on sex and sexuality. (But, if you have any suggestions, I'm all ears.)
For now, invest in a good-quality sex toy that is free of phthalates/PVC! Read the packaging, and take the time to Google, e-mail a vendor, or ask a salesperson if you are unsure about a given product. The President of Tantus Silicone wrote a great post about this issue. She cautions that if you open a sex toy, and there's a noxious odor, that's the smell of phthalate. No one likes to waste money, but is it better to throw out a product without using it than risk your health? I sure think so.
Better sex toys tend to cost more, but you can do your homework. Tomorrow, I'm reviewing a product for The Adult Toy Shoppe that is similar to The Rabbit, costs around $30 and doesn't contain any phthalates. (It also didn't smell when I took it out of the box.) The company that designs The Rabbit has also come out with a phthalate-free version. If you are willing to invest in a top of the line sex toy, check out Lelo or Fun Factory products since they are the crème de la crème of the industry and designed with your both your pleasure and your health in mind.
I've ended a post in the past, advising you to "be safe and have fun." Today, I'll just say:
Be Safe.
Whether I know you or I've never met you, I care. Hope you'll spread the word along with me. xoxo
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This, that & losing it
Question: Can I write a blog post in less than 500 words?
Answer: Yes...when asked to do so in a guest post for a friend's blog.
Last month, Deb Lee, a Professional Organizer, asked me if it was possible for a person to organize his or her love life. After giving it some thought, I realized that yes, you can organize some elements to your love life. In my guest post for Deb's blog, Organize to Revitalize, I offer three tips on this topic. What are my suggestions? Well, you have to click here for those.
For those of you on Facebook who enjoy my blog, I'd really like if you like my "Likes" page ;). You can like me here. (There was a time when you could have been a fan of my blog, but in an effort to drive us all insane with Facebook's constant site and privacy setting changes, now you can only like my blog.)
And, to add a third tangent to the mix, have you wanted to ask me a question anonymously without commenting on my blog or sending me an e-mail? Now you can through Formspring! If you want to know what color Skittles I always eat first or my view on facials (and I'm not referring to facials that you get at a spa), ask away here!
Okay, now on to our regular-scheduled programming:
I received the following question on Formspring last week:
Hey City Girl!! I wanted your advice on losing one's virginity. How do you know when the time is right? I have an amazing bf but am still worried about my first time and don't want it to be a bad experience. Any advice? x
Rather than cut and paste a Word document into Formspring, I figured that I would answer that reader's question on my blog. Here goes:
The short answer to your question is that I can't tell you whether to lose your virginity or not. That's a decision for you and your boyfriend to make. (I've said the same thing when readers ask me about trying anal, a threesome or having sex shortly after ending a serious relationship.)
With that disclaimer, there are definitely factors to consider as you make your decision. Here are a few that come to my mind:
1. Why have you waited up until this point? If your interest in losing your virginity is based on pressure that you feel from your boyfriend or friends who have already had sex, then you might want to wait to be sure that the decision is yours and yours alone. If you've waited until your relationship has reached a certain milestone (three months of dating or an engagement ring, for example), then have you reached that milestone? If so, do you still feel the same?
2. What expectations do you have about your first time? I loved my high school boyfriend, Boston Christian, with all my heart. I've never regretted losing my virginity to him for a second, but the act was also incredibly painful. Sharing that experience together was wonderful because we loved each other as much as two teenagers can, but the sex wasn't.
I saw him back in 2008, and we both laughed so hard that we had tears in our eyes about our first time together. Why was that? Well, he was very large down there, and I was very tight down there. I also added an increased level of difficulty to the mix through the use of not one, but THREE, types of birth control. (Getting pregnant as a high school student was not an option for me!)
That night, he came from traditional sex, and I didn't. (How could I with so many methods of birth control? Also, how many young women know where their G-spot even is when they are first having sex?) My first time was intimate and beautiful in its own way, but it was more of an uncomfortable experience than a good one.
I didn't have a clue about what to do when I had sex for a few years. Even now -- more than two decades later -- I still have a lot to learn! This is one activity in which practice really does make perfect.
Are you close enough as a couple that you could make it past a bad experience? Would you be okay if it doesn't turn out perfectly? What are your expectations of losing your virginity? Are you both on the same page in terms of how you feel about each other so that adding sex to the mix won't complicate things?
3. Have you discussed all the possible ramifications of pregnancy, STDs and AIDS with your boyfriend? If you don't feel comfortable talking about these topics with him, then I would question whether you are ready to have sex. Are these issues easy to bring up? No. But, they are necessary. Are you both going to be in a sexually-monogamous relationship? Will he be wearing a condom? Are you on birth control? Has he been with anyone before you? If so, do you want him to get tested first?
I addressed some similar issues in last month's post about: How soon is too soon to have sex with a new guy? Determining relationship expectations and discussing birth control and STD/HIV testing need to happen whether it's your first sexual partner or your 50th.
Please take this post as friendly advice, rather than encouragement or discouragement. If you read through this and decide that you're ready, then you are! But, if the post raises more questions for you than answers, then you might prefer to wait. You can always decide at a later point that you're ready. There's no right or wrong so just follow your heart, use your head and be safe! xoxo
Readers: What would you recommend? How was your first time?
Comments (9)
Toy Story
In the spirit of Sunday Funday, let's talk about Sex Toys, shall we?
I've received a few questions about sex toys lately so I decided to combine my answers into one post.
Question #1: I have $100 to spend on a new vibrator, what do you recommend? (The two that I have at home are pretty basic & I would like to "upgrade" ;).)
Answer: Buying a sex toy is obviously a very personal purchase. What type of stimulation are you looking for? Clitoral? G-Spot? Anal? A combination? Will you be using the toy by yourself or with your partner? What goodies do you already have in your toy chest?
Since you only have two basic toys, I would try to get more bang for your $100. My friends and I talked on a Girls' Weekend recently about how our more expensive toys satisfy us, but we expect even more than that if the toy costs a lot. (Why can't that dildo do tricks?)
I've written about how I was slightly disappointed with Fun Factory's Delight, and two friends who used the We-Vibe with their partners didn't speak highly of that $99 toy. (Apparently, the toy stayed in place, but the guys' cocks didn't! That defeats the purpose of a toy designed for use by couples.)
One friend uses the We-Vibe for solo pleasure and loves it. But, she joked that she doesn't think she's cum enough to justify the $100 price tag.
Me: But, it always gets you off, right?
Friend: Yeah. [Pause.] But, $100 worth? I need to use it for a lot longer. [We laugh.]
So, instead of getting one toy for $100, I would go for two toys so that:
1) You can double your collection; and
2) You have more pleasure options.
If you don't have a toy that plugs in, that would be my first pick. I still love the "massager" that the athlete with a bondage fetish used on me when I was 21! A plug-in toy is all about power and clitoral stimulation.
The Homedics Massager or Hitachi Magic Wand (with optional G-Spot attachments) costs less than $40 and will provide so much power that you should be able to orgasm in record time!
If the thought of a toy with that much intensity overwhelms you, then I'd recommend a smaller massager such as Fun Factory's Laya or Natural Contours' Jolie.
For the second toy, I would either find something that will help you obtain a great G-Spot orgasm or a product for use with your partner.
There are many options out there for vibrating cock rings. If you use one with a detachable bullet inside, then you actually end up with a third toy that you can use on its own. Babeland has a great collection of vibrating cock rings. The Orbit is one of the more expensive products at $52, but it's worth it. The Orbit is flexible, high-quality and phthalate-free.
If you'd prefer a toy that allows for clitoral stimulation, then read on for the answer to my next question:
Question 2: Thank you for telling about the "Phthalate-free," I went through my toys and I actually was ok. All my toys were in the clear.
New toy question: I am looking for a toy to replace my "Fun Factory Heartbreaker" with a dildo and I need advice.
Answer: I reviewed The Triple Flex from The Adult Toy Shoppe a few weeks ago. That toy wins on all fronts (or backs?). It allows for simultaneous clitoral, G-Spot and anal stimulation. Or, if you just want to achieve a clitoral or G-Spot orgasm (without dual stimulation), the Triple Flex is powerful enough to do that. The anal probe would also be perfect for preparing to have anal sex in that it allows for some stimulation without being overwhelming. For $39, the Triple Flex can serve many roles in any girl's bedroom!
Other options: the G-Curve silicon non-vibrating dildo; one of Lelo's high-end G-Spot products (the Ella doesn't have any power, the Gigi does); or the sleek and waterproof Bswish Bgee G-Spot vibrator.
Question 3: Why there is no butt plug review on your blog?
Answer: I prefer toys with vibrations so I find a traditional butt plug to be pretty boring. I have reviewed anal vibrators, although I believe that the product contains phthalates so that's no longer a part of my collection. Arlington Boy did two guest posts for me about butt plugs so you can read his thoughts here.
So...for those of you who own sex toys, what's YOUR favorite and why?
Have more questions: comment, e-mail (citygirlblogs@gmail.com), or ask me anonymously on Formspring!
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Wrapping it up
I recently received the following question on Formspring:
I have had unprotected sex a couple of times, and I know it's a bad idea for the future. How do you bring it up without ruining the mood? Also, who should carry the condoms: the man or the woman? (I don't know how to pick them out since each guy is different.)
To state the obvious, few people enjoy using condoms. But, there is a key difference between wanting to use a condom and needing to use a condom. Unless you and your boyfriend are in a monogamous relationship and have both been tested for HIV and STDs, he should be wearing a condom each and every time you have sex. (I'm sure I'm not telling you anything that you don't know, but it can't hurt to be reminded again.)
Since you have had unprotected sex, have you made an appointment to get tested yet? If not, I recommend doing so in the near future. Most major health insurance companies cover an HIV test as part of your annual physical, and you can be tested for STDs at your annual OB/GYN appointment. If you are attending college, confirm that you can get tested at your school's health center. If your school doesn't offer those services, then check online to find out where the nearest Planned Parenthood or women's center is.
Since you don't care to have unprotected sex in the future, how can you bring up the topic without ruining the mood? Well, that depends on the nature of the relationship:
1. A one-night stand or more casual relationship. You aren't seriously dating anyone and are meeting your girlfriends for drinks. You're open to wherever the evening takes you if you meet a fine guy or receive a text from Mr. Right Now.
Be prepared before you leave the house. Buy a cute condom compact and a box of condoms. Keep the box at your house and before you go out for the evening, place a few condoms in the compact. Throw the compact in your purse along with your keys, phone and lip gloss, and you're ready to go!
Prior to having sex, I imagine that the guy will reach for a condom. If he doesn't say or do anything, put your hands on his face and look into his eyes as you say:
I want you inside me. Do you have a condom?
(If you like to talk dirty, feel free to substitute the first line with any variation of "I want to fuck you.")
If he has a condom, then let him use whatever condom he prefers. If he doesn't have one, then you can reach over and grab a condom out of your purse. It doesn't need to ruin the mood since using a condom is a means to a hopefully enjoyable end! If the mention of the word, "condom," makes the guy less excited (as in, less hard), then take a few minutes to get him just how you want him before he puts on the condom.
Most guys in this day and age should realize that it's dangerous to have unprotected sex. But, there are still those guys who will break out a line to try to convince you otherwise. Be prepared with your responses. For example:
Guy: I'll just put the tip in.
Girl: We both know where that will lead.
Guy: I can't feel anything with a condom.
Girl: I bet you will. I'm very wet.
Guy: I don't want to use a condom.
Girl: We can just mess around without having sex, but wouldn't sex be more fun?
Guy: Aren't you on the pill?
Girl: That's not the point. We don't know each other well enough to go raw.
You can use whatever words you wish to get the point across. Just know your limits and stick to them.
With respect to ruining the mood, I would try to reframe your thoughts on that. Using a condom when you have sex should be viewed as Standard Operating Procedure, not a buzz kill. Unless you and the guy are in a monogamous relationship and have both been tested, then the risks of not using a condom FAR outweigh the 60 seconds it takes to bring it up and put one on. (Please realize how much of an understatement this is and that I could go on and on about how testing positive for HIV or dealing with an unplanned pregnancy could really ruin the mood.) Just view using a condom as a normal part of the routine of having sex.
What condoms should you buy? You could buy a Variety Pack from Durex or Trojan or pick a lubricated, latex condom that you like. Choose latex over lambskin since lambskin does not prevent again STDs.
If you want to cover all your bases, you can also pick up a box of Trojan Magnums for larger men and throw one of those condoms in the compact. Trojan's bestseller is the lubricated, ultra-thin ENZ condom, but the company recently came out with an ultra-ribbed Ecstasy condom. (The Ecstasy claims to let you feel all of the pleasure without feeling the condom. Has anyone tried one of these condoms? What was your experience? Please comment – anonymously if need be – and let us know.)
2. If you're in a relationship, then the topic of condoms becomes part of a larger discussion of past sexual history and birth control. I think it's easier to have those discussions out of the bedroom so that there's less pressure. But, if you prefer to have that conversation in the bedroom, that's fine, too. (It's more important that you talk about it than where you talk about it.)
If you care about this person, then it's worth communicating about the following things:
Are you using condoms for birth control and STD/HIV prevention or just the latter?
What condom does he like best? Will he be providing them or do you need to stock up, too?
Will you be using condoms in the early stage of your relationship with the intent to get tested later on?
Are you both monogamous?
Can you orgasm with condoms or will you need additional clitoral stimulation?
You might address all these issues in one fell swoop or discuss these matters over time. If you are in a relationship with someone, then it's appropriate and necessary to broach all of these topics. Just remember that communication and honesty are keys to a healthy relationship in all senses of the word!
Have fun and be safe! xoxo
How have you broached condom use with a partner? What's your brand of choice and why?
Comments (10)
Internet Infidelity
Last weekend, I attended the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists' Annual Conference. Dr. Katherine Hertlein's workshop on Internet Infidelity drew a packed house, and I was thankful that I was able to find a little space on the floor to sit and learn. Dr. Hertlein, an Associate Professor with UNLV's Department of Marriage and Family Therapy, kindly gave me permission to share some of her recommendations with you all. Since several readers have expressed an interest in exploring issues of trust and cheating, I thought that you might find her tips beneficial.
In the workshop, Dr. Hertlein stressed the need for couples to determine:
What constitutes cheating to you?
With Facebook, Twitter, e-mail, cell phones, online porn, Skype, instant messaging and texts, that question might take time to answer. There's no right or wrong if both parties are comfortable with the definition, but it's wise to communicate with your partner early on to avoid potential problems later. Some factors to consider include:
Are you able to maintain contact with ex-partners? If so, what does "contact" entail?
Is cheating only physical, or do emotional relationships count? How about online relationships in which there is no emotional connection or physical contact, but there is cybersex?
Where do you and your partner draw the lines?
Each couple needs to figure out what constitutes cheating to them. Dr. Hertlein incorporates the notion of "shared time with one partner outside of committed relationship" and the "element of betrayal" in her working definition of Internet Infidelity. Once the couple is able to define cheating, a contract of exclusivity needs to be established with definitive terms to ensure that both parties know what is acceptable and what is unacceptable behavior.
She also notes that a major problem in counseling couples past Internet Infidelity lies in convincing the offending partner that what he or she did was wrong. She tries to steer the focus away from whether or not the person cheated to the fact that his or her partner feels betrayed. One attendee at the workshop, Dan Rosen, commented that it's about the impact, not the intent. That resonated with me.
Once a contract is in place, remember that it's not set in stone. Relationships, much like technology, change with time, and thus, the contract will need to be amended.
What do you think of the contract idea? What would your terms be? (And, yes, I'm thinking of mine as I'm typing.)
On a different note, check out my guest post for Organize to Revitalize on How Singles Can Organize Their Love Life by clicking here.
And finally, I'm thinking an Old School narrative post is long overdue so you pick the topic:
1. My First Orgasm;
2. My First Threesome (and there was nothing quasi about this); or
3. My First Anal (and not in the after school special kind of way). xoxo
Comments (12)
The G-spot
For many women, the G-spot or ability to achieve a vaginal orgasm is elusive. How elusive? Well, it's estimated that 75% of women cannot orgasm from vaginal intercourse without the use of toys, oral stimulation or manual stimulation. For others, the G-spot is a sexual Narnia of sorts through which much pleasure is obtained.
There's debate within the medical community regarding whether the G-spot is a cluster of nerves in the upper portion of the pussy or if it's actually part of the clitoris. A 1998 medical report found that the clitoris has legs that wrap around the urethra and the vagina and can be up to 3.5 inches long. To learn more about the report and see the anatomical drawing of the clitoral legs, click here.
So, does the G-spot exist, or to paraphrase Public Enemy, should you not believe the hype?
I believe that the G-spot does exist, but from a personal perspective, it doesn't matter to me whether the area is a cluster of nerves that is separate from or related to the clitoris. I just enjoy the difference in orgasms that I achieve from external stimulation versus internal stimulation.
The best post that I've read about G-spots was written by Analena Valdes Graham. Analena is a nurse and sex educator, and she is one of the owners of Lotus Blooms (formerly Dascha Boutique), a unique and high-end sex boutique designed to empower, educate and inspire women and couples. Since Lotus Blooms is no longer blogging, Analena was kind enough to let me repost her very informative piece about G-spots. Enjoy!
So what exactly is this G-spot and how do you find it?
Applauds and credit are due to German gynecologist Ernst Grafenberg who first hypothesized its existence in 1950. The G-Spot is located inside the vagina about two inches inside from the entrance. The G-spot is a network of blood vessels, nerve endings and soft tissue. When stimulated, it can greatly enhance your orgasm and increase the possibility of female ejaculation. Female ejaculation...WHAT?!? Yes, another fascinating phenomenon about this wonderful little spot is that when stimulated, some women will actually ejaculate (also known as squirting). That's right. Many women will ejaculate noticeable amounts of clear fluid during orgasm.
The key factor in finding your G-spot is becoming intimately acquainted with your body. To assist you with this, there are several things that you (with or without your partner) can do to try to stimulate your G-spot:
Although many women don't believe they have G-spot, the truth is that they just don't know how to find it or stimulate it properly. When done the right way, G-spot stimulation can be mind blowing. A "G-spot orgasm" is slightly different from one achieved purely through clitoral stimulation, and can be more intense. Now, the G-spot is a quarter-sized area of spongy tissue located directly behind the pubic bone. Because it rests up against the bladder, many women will have an initial sensation of having to urinate. This is why it is key to go to the bathroom before attempting to find it, so that you aren't confused.
Now, lay on your bed or find that comfy couch. Relax and slowly start to stimulate your clitoris, labia, and mons. To begin the G-spot voyage, you should be fully aroused. The more aroused you are, the larger and more sensitive the G-spot becomes making it easier to find. Once you are aroused, slowly insert one or two fingers into your vagina. Your fingertips should be facing toward your bellybutton, and inserted to the spot directly under the pubic bone. Now, slowly press up against the pubic bone (away from yourself) and start to feel for a spongy area with a ridged texture. If you feel the sensation of having to urinate, you've got it!! Ladies, power through that sensation and try different pressing, tapping, and rubbing motions to see what is most pleasurable for you. Continue to do this until you can't take it anymore and achieve that orgasm!
Because the G-spot is embedded in the muscle of the vaginal wall, you may not initially find your G-spot. It may take a little patience and effort on your part. I encourage you not to give up! The reward will be well worth the journey!!!
The Lelo Iris, Lily or Gigi are great G-spot vibrators. These pleasure objects are specifically designed to help stimulate the G-spot. There's a wide variety to choose from depending on your mood for exploration and creativity! These vibrators come in a variety of colors, materials and prices. You can purchase one of these fun toys from Lotus Blooms.
Your partner can help you experience G-spot orgasms and ejaculation by inserting his index and middle fingers into your vagina and firmly pressing and stroking the inside front wall. Also, during intercourse, try placing a pillow underneath your hips. This slight incline may make it easier for your partner to stimulate your G-spot with his penis.
What toys, positions, or methods have worked for you to help you achieve a vaginal orgasm?
Comments (10)
Anal Queries
Nothing says, "It's Monday!" to me like tackling some anal queries from Formspring.
Question #1: How does it feel to have a penis in your ass? Different than the feeling of having one in your vagina?
Answer #1: I find anal sex to be significantly different from vaginal sex. It's a tighter and fuller sensation.
Vaginal muscles are capable of stretching and responding to stimulus more than the anus. The pussy, unlike the ass, also can produce natural lubrication for sexual activity. Unless a woman has vaginal pain or health-related lubrication issues, she typically won't have a problem handling a penis inside of her vagina.
But, back door entry is a whole different story. Anal muscles are not as stretchy, and the anus is naturally tight. (There are not toys or exercises designed to tighten the anus like Kegels do for the pelvic muscles.) Lubrication is also required for almost all couples engaging in anal sex, but that's not the case for vaginal sex.
There are many nerve endings inside of the anus that can be directly stimulated by anal sex. I've found that there's more opportunity for pleasure and more frequent orgasms during anal sex because of this.
I was out for drinks recently with a few friends, and the conversation turned to anal sex. One guy commented that he prefers anal because:
It's like the first time every time.
I just nodded my head with a smile on my face. I feel the exact same way.
Question #2: Have you ever experienced ass-to-mouth before?
Answer #2: Yes, I have experienced ass-to-mouth before. I have only done this with guys I've felt extremely comfortable with and at my own initiative. (If a guy ever pulled out of my ass and shoved his cock in my face, I would view that as incredibly disrespectful.)
I thought that ass-to-mouth would be much more disgusting than it actually was. But, I do try to be prepared for anal so not having a full stomach helps in that regard. For those interested in trying it, I would also make sure that there's not much lubricant on your partner's cock before you put it in your mouth. A mouth full of lube isn't as bad as a mouth full of soap, but it's far from pleasant either.
Question #3: If you had to choose vaginal or anal sex until you die, which one would you prefer and why?
Answer #3: Without a doubt, anal! It's a more intense sexual experience for me, and I orgasm much more often from anal than vaginal. I may or may not cum from traditional sex without additional clitoral stimulation, but I always cum from anal sex.
I also view anal as the most intimate sexual act. Anal requires trust and communication so I've found that it brings me emotionally closer to my partner. You could tell me that I never have vaginal sex again, and I'd be fine with that...as long as oral sex is still in the equation ;).
Question #4: It seems like you've been doing anal for a long time, do you still need so much preparation before doing it or can you easily take it?
Answer #4: I prefer to be well prepared before anal since it makes the experience more enjoyable. The more I prepare and the more that my ass is properly lubricated, the easier it is for my partner to thrust inside me and the more pleasure I achieve. (Some pain can be a turn-on, but too much pain detracts from the actual experience.)
Depending on how large the guy is and how often I'm having anal, it might not be a requirement for me to prepare with fingers or toys beforehand. But, if the guy is very large, it still hurts for the first few thrusts, even if we're having anal every day.
I've never had anal sex without any type of lubrication or preparation beforehand. On a couple of occasions, Lawyer Boy and I managed it with just spit following a blow job or with soap if we were in the shower, but that's definitely not my preference.
In all but one instance, I've had anal sex with close partners. These guys cared about me and wanted me to orgasm as much as I could so foreplay was a part of our sexual routine. I firmly believe that orgasming clitorally or vaginally before having anal sex enhances the experience because it relaxes the muscles in that area.
Question #5: Could you please tell us the most painful anal experience of yours?
Answer #5: Back in 1994, UConn Boy and I were in my bedroom. He went down on me, and after I came, he took off his boxer briefs to go inside my pussy. He was on top of me, facing me, and began to thrust hard.
That would have been great, except for the fact that he thrusted right into my ass. UConn Boy is very large, no lubrication or preparation was involved, and the position with him directly on top of me was very intense. No one had been inside my ass since a barely-hard Embassy Boy six years prior.
I screamed out loud and tears came to my eyes from the pain. As soon as UConn Boy realized what he had done, he released, and I ran to the bathroom. A couple of minutes later when the pain had subsided, I returned to the bedroom. We resumed, but I had one caveat:
In my pussy, NOT my ass.
UConn Boy and I broke up and got back together more times than I can count. When he and I reconnected in 2000, a lot had changed. I was interested in trying anal sex, and he was the perfect guy with whom to do that. (And, yes, I'll blog about that in the future.)
Next Posts: Answers to females' relationship questions; information about toxic ingredients and allergens in toys and lube from the AASECT conference; and a three-part post about My First Threesome. (For those of you who went to college with me, yes, it's THE Cruise Ship story.) xoxo
Comments (6)
Just Do It
A thank you doesn't seem sufficient for all the support you all have shown me! Your comments brought tears to my eyes and reminded me how truly blessed I am! A special shout-out to DC Blogs for featuring my Titty Party post on the homepage today and doing its part to help raise awareness!
On a different note, for those of you who live in the nation's capital, be sure to check out Lotus Blooms in Alexandria, Virginia! You can get 10% off of your entire purchase on anything in the store (books, toys, pajamas, candles, lubricants, lingerie, etc.) if you mention City Girl Blogs!
Now, back to our regular scheduled programming and some readers' questions from Formspring:
Question #1: Any advice for a woman who is considering asking a guy out. I know him socially but not personally.
Answer #1: I think that's great! A lot of guys find it refreshing for a girl to make the first move, and it's also flattering (read: sexy) for a guy to know that a girl is interested in him. A few tips:
Do a little reconnaissance to confirm that he's single. You mentioned that you know him socially, but not personally. Do you have any friends in common? Are you following each other on Facebook or Twitter? Contact a friend or check out his profile page to make sure that he's not in a relationship.
Once you know he's single, send out a casual e-mail/text to invite him out for a drink. I prefer meeting for drinks since it keeps your options open. Meeting for drinks is by its nature less formal than dinner, but if drinks go well, one of you can suggest dinner afterward. Likewise, if the conversation over drinks isn't flowing easily (beyond the usual first date jitters), then you can end the night after a drink or two.
There are people who think of coffee as an ideal first date activity, but I feel as though that's too casual and trite. A coffee date could come across as though you aren't genuinely interested in him. If you enjoy similar hobbies or a shared love of sports, then you can always pitch an activity or watching a game instead of drinks.
If your interaction with this guy tends to be more in person, then you can ask him out for a drink during normal conversation. Whether virtually or in real life, keep your tone light and use phrases that are comfortable for you. You can broach the topic in a general way, leaving it up to him to pick a time and place by saying:
What are you up to this weekend?; or
I never feel like we have enough time to talk/I'd love to talk with you more about [insert relevant subject here]. We should grab drinks sometime.
Or, you can be direct and pick a place and a day that works for you like this:
I heard good things about this wine bar/brewery/lounge, and was thinking of checking it out on Thursday. Wanna join me?
What you say or how much of the asking you do depends on your style, preference and comfort level. I make sure a guy knows that I'm interested, but I ultimately let him decide when and where and do the asking.
In my opinion, if you pick the time and place to meet, then you should pay for drinks.
Readers, do you agree with me on this? What other suggestions do you have for this girl?
Question #2: I'm three months pregnant and ever since I told my boyfriend, he won't have sex with me. He says he feels weird knowing our baby is in there and doesn't want to hurt me. How can I convince him it's fine?
Answer #2: Assuming that you have a healthy pregnancy without medical complications, sex is not only okay, but it's encouraged! Many women report that their sex drive increases significantly during the second trimester and that they are able to orgasm with greater ease and intensity.
How much have you and your boyfriend communicated about his specific concerns? What exactly does he feel weird about? If he hears from your doctor or another reliable source that having sex with you won't hurt the baby, will that assuage his fears? I would ask him to join you at your next doctor's appointment or sonogram so that a medical professional can inform him that having sex during a healthy pregnancy is completely fine.
Before the baby arrives, talk to him about what you both are feeling. Pregnancy obviously affects men and women differently, and having a child will dramatically change the dynamics of your relationship. (Your life will go from all about each other to all about the baby like that *snap*, as well it should.) How will you try to make time for each other and be affectionate toward each other? How can he best support you during the pregnancy? How will you both prioritize the other person after the baby comes?
Despite the fact that many couples have to deal with the issue of sex during pregnancy, it's not a common topic of conversation. Rest assured that both you and your boyfriend have perfectly normal and legitimate concerns. At the conference earlier this month, I spoke with renowned sex educator Lou Paget about her book, Hot Mamas. Lou wrote this book "for moms-to-be who want to nurture their sex lives along with their growing bellies," in recognition of the fact that many women don't know what to expect.
Arm yourself with information through books like Hot Mamas, respected online sources and DVDs on Sex & Pregnancy to supplement your conversation with the doctor. Get ideas for comfortable positions to try during different stages of your pregnancy. Use the months before the baby arrives to try something new (a toy, perhaps?) or plan a romantic getaway. Spend a lazy day in bed, enjoying each other and the ability to sleep as often as you like!
Please keep me posted and if you send me your address via email or Formspring, I'll pop The Sinclair Institute's DVD on Sex & Pregnancy in the mail to the you :).
To the Hot Mamas out there and the partners who love them, what recommendations do you have for this reader?
Next Posts: More readers' questions; tales of Mr. Exec, Philly Matt and Improv Boy; and My First Orgasm and Threesome. xoxo
Comments (6)
Aah - Innervibe
Have you wanted to buy your first sex toy for couple's use, but didn't know where to start?
Do the higher prices of body-friendly adult products turn you more off than on?
Do you like your toys to be waterproof?
Do you need a product that's inexpensive and portable for a weekend getaway?
Are you looking for a toy for one-time use that's disposable?
If you've answered "Yes" to any of those questions, then let me have the pleasure of introducing you to Innervibe and its products!
Established in 2004, Innervibe is a US toy company with a commitment to promoting sensuality and passion. Innervibe products are made with a phthalate-free elastomer known as Opulux. Opulux is body-friendly and non-toxic, and the exclusive material feels very smooth to the touch.
Lotus Blooms offers three Innervibe toys:
The Nanovibe personal massager
The Duet Double Pleasure vibrating cock ring
All of the products are body-safe, stretchy, waterproof, powerful, disposable and economical.
"How economical?" you might be wondering.
The most expensive of the three products, the Duet Double Pleasure, is only $12.95. Sex toys are rarely good for your body and your budget, but these are the exception!
What are the differences between the three products?
The Nanovibe is a tiny finger massager that can be used by women or couples. Remove the plastic tube from the inside of the toy and slip the tip of your finger in it. (When I say the tip, I really mean just the tip. If you put it past your nail bed, it will feel uncomfortable on your finger.) Using a finger from your other hand, press the bottom of the vibrating insert inside of the personal massager to start the toy. You'll need to press and hold it firmly for several seconds so that it turns on and stays on.
Then, take your finger and place the Nanovibe on top of your clit and feel how strong the vibrations are. You can use the toy by yourself, in the shower or bath, or with a partner. I found it most effective for added clitoral stimulation during intercourse. My man placed the Nanovibe on the tip of his finger and then on my clit while he was on top of me, thrusting. The Nanovibe's vibrations on my clit definitely heightened the sexual experience for me!
The 2.0 vibrating cock ring and the Duet Double vibrating cock ring are great for couple's use. When you take the ring out of the package, don't be concerned about the size. The ring looks small, but when you pull it with both hands, you'll realize how stretchy it is and how large it can expand. The vibrating core inside both rings operates in the same manner as the vibrator inside the Nanovibe so remember to press the core firmly and hold for a few seconds.
With the 2.0 cock ring, you can position the side with the vibrating core facing up and away from the shaft for clitoral stimulation during sex. Or, you can switch the ring so that the vibrating core is facing down away from the shaft to pulsate against the man's balls and the woman's ass during sex. I found it especially pleasurable for clitoral stimulation when I was on top or when my man was behind me in a doggy-style position.
The Duet Double ring has the added advantage that the clit, balls and anus can be stimulated simultaneously. You don't have to decide which way to position the vibrating core since the Duet Double ring contains one vibrating core on the top of the toy and a second core on the bottom. For only $2.95 more, why not maximize your pleasure with the Duet Double ring?
The cock rings can be used with or without condoms. If you require lubrication, stick to water-based lubricant that won't interfere with the medical-grade silicone that's used in Innervibe's products.
What didn't I like about the Innervibe toys that I tried?
Innervibe's strength is also its weakness since its products are designed for one-time use. After 30 minutes, the vibrations just stopped. We kept playing with the cock ring for another 10 minutes and got a little more juice out of it, but by that point, the ring had lost much of its power.
In addition, moving the ring after it's positioned can be uncomfortable for the man. Lotion, or soap and water can be helpful to remove the ring when you're finished without irritating the skin.
Who should consider purchasing an Innervibe product?
Innervibe's toys are great for both first-timers and regular toy users. If you aren't sure whether you'd like to invest in a more expensive toy, Innervibe provides an easy way to dip your...umm, feet?...in the adult toy waters.
Innervibe products are also beneficial for those of you who engage in sex with more than one partner and like to bring toys into the mix. You won't have to worry about breaking out your toy cleaner after having sex. Instead, you can just break out a different, inexpensive toy with each partner, and dispose of the toy when you're done.
For those of you who like a toy that's portable and easy to bring on trips, Innervibe products come in a small packet that fits in the palm of your hand. They are perfect for travel!
The vibrations are strong, the materials are soft and body-friendly, and the price is beyond right. The only negative to Innervibe's products is that they only last for 30 minutes. But, if a toy can get me off more than once in 30 minutes, then I can only complain so much ;).
Four (very enthusiastic) Squeals!
City Girl's Squeals of Approval Chart:
1 Squeal: Bad. This toy is not worth your money. Do not pass go! Do not pay $2, let alone $200.
2 Squeals: Slightly Sub-Par. You won't hate this toy, but you won't necessarily like it either.
3 Squeals: Average/Good. This toy might not be the most innovative or satisfying, but it serves its purpose.
4 Squeals: Very good. A strong sex toy with minimal negatives that will be part of your regular line-up.
5 Squeals: Great. No toy does it better!
* Pursuant to FTC Guidelines, I received the InnerVibe toys free of charge from Lotus Blooms in exchange for my honest review of the products.
Comments (0)
Quick, Quick, Slow
I receive quite a few sex and relationship questions via Formspring, but it’s been a while since I’ve posted my answers to them. (Damn chemo!) I figured that I would get back to doing so in between my posts about Mr. Exec. I also have a great giveaway that I’ll be sharing with you all this evening.
Question 1a: With my ex-girlfriend, I could have sex for as long as I wanted. With my current girlfriend, I can't last as long. Insights on why that's so?
Answer: What's different with the equation? The foreplay? The positions? How wet or orgasmic your partner is? How often you have sex?
Has your current girlfriend indicated that this is a problem? (I've dated guys who take a long time and guys who cum very quickly. As long as I'm satisfied, I'm okay with either mode.)
Question 1b: Nothing has really changed. Same positions usually. Wetness same. She hasn't voiced a concern; this is more for making it better (not that it was bad). I just don't know why anything is different.
Answer: Have you tried a sexual enhancement gel or herb? (If you or your partner has sensitive skin or allergies, it’s best to stick to herbs over gels. With respect to herbal products, herbs have yet to be approved by the FDA, although they are commonly used in Eastern medicine.)
You could also add a cock ring to increase pressure to the base of your cock and keep your erection for longer. InnerVibe makes disposable body-friendly cock rings, and Lelo makes a great product for multiple uses. Another advantage of cock rings is that they stimulate the clitoris during sex, making it much easier for the female to orgasm.
You also might try switching positions often to break the rhythm that you're in so that you can last longer. (Some women love changing positions a lot. Some don't. The effectiveness of that strategy might depend on your partner.)
Good luck!
So, readers, did I miss anything? Do you have any other suggestions for this guy?
Comments (6)
Quick, Quick, Slow 2.0
Yesterday, I tackled two Formspring questions from a guy who fears that he orgasms too quickly. But, what if the guy takes too long?
Question 1: I'm in a relationship now with a man who can't orgasm easily. He can last well over an hour straight, and we've lasted the two-hour mark several times. He says it feels great, but doesn't come. What can I do to make him come faster?
Answer: A few things come to mind, but all involve open communication with your partner. Have you asked him directly if this is a normal occurrence for him? Some guys need to be in a certain position or need a certain type of stimulation (oral, anal, hand, etc.) to come. There are other guys who can't come easily after drinking or when they're stressed.
In thinking of reasons why he might not cum easily in a traditional setting, how often does he masturbate? Does he watch a lot of porn by himself? If so, he needs to cut down on both. You can also try to masturbate in front of each other so that you can see how he enjoys pleasing himself. That would also show you how long it takes him to cum on his own.
It’s worth letting your boyfriend know that you don't need a long, drawn-out session to be satisfied. (He might be under the misperception that you do.) You can also ask him what, if anything, you can do to increase the chances that he will orgasm. If you use condoms, you might try a new brand that is thinner or allows for more sensations. Other ideas are to add the warmth of the shower or some arousel gel into the mix.
For most females, one or two-hour sessions can get tiring at a minimum and painful at a maximum. Be sure to take breaks if you need to. You can switch from traditional sex to oral sex or a hand job. You also can get up to grab some water or go to the bathroom. (If you have a propensity for urinary tract infections, you should make a point to go to the bathroom after you orgasm or when it’s reached the hour mark. There's no need to jeopardize your health, and most guys don't have a problem with holding that thought while you're gone.) Upon your return to the bedroom, have some lubricant handy to make reentry more comfortable.
Let me know what works. xoxo
Readers, any other suggestions?
Comments (4)
Why Do People Ask Me For Advice?
On to another question from Formspring:
Question: The one thing I’m most confused about is why all of these people write to you for relationship advice, yet you don’t seem to have been a part of many healthy, functioning relationships. I question why you continually bounce from one man to the next. Is it an attention thing? A lack of confidence? Who knows? Best of luck finding what you seem to be searching for.
Answer: I would say I have what I’m searching for in the dating arena. I enjoy my life and am open to whatever love and life have in store. (I would have never imagined that I would leave one career I loved to embark on another exciting professional adventure. And, on the relationship front, I am one of those women who actually likes dating and getting to know other people. I'm not a fan of boring relationships either and seek passion and excitement from guys. Right now, I have a great companion to fulfill that role, which is just what I’m interested in at this point in my life.)
I don't believe that I'm seeking attention, although I admit that as a blogger, I'm seeking an audience and people interested in my stories. I can write that I don't lack for confidence personally or professionally, but that's a question better fielded by people who know me in real life.
I don't view bouncing from one guy to another, as you put it, as a bad thing. I have a fun dating life, and I've learned a lot about myself and relationships from every ex-boyfriend. I’ve been very clear about my goal to adopt as a single mother. I’m not looking for the traditional dating scenario that leads to marriage and children in that order. That might not be something that the average person can identify with, but I hope that my readers will support my choices as I support theirs.
I learned to be accepting of other women and their choices from my mom. Many of mom's friends would call her for personal and professional advice. Mom taught me to prioritize my friendships with females, always be there for the people in your life, and be a good listener and a sounding board.
Friends started coming to me in college for relationship and sex advice. (I also went to a women's college so there weren't many topics about which we didn't discuss ad nauseam.) Now, thanks to my blog, I have a larger audience. I’m the first to admit that I don’t always heed my own advice, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t recognize the same red flags in my dates that my readers do. I also try to look for the best in people. Maybe that makes me naïve or causes me to stay too long in relationships, but that is how I was raised and is not something that I’m likely to change.
I have been told that I give good advice and that my suggestions have helped friends and readers. I think that people also feel like they can be honest about their flaws/problems/weaknesses/concerns because I’m so honest about mine. I don’t claim to have all the answers, and I'm the first to admit that I haven't made the best decisions when it comes to the men I date. But, I do care and will do my best to talk and brainstorm with friends and readers to resolve a problem. (I just did so this morning, in fact.)
When I give advice, I hope to be viewed as a credible source who has done her research on the topic at hand. I'm the In-House Passionista and Reviewer for Lotus Blooms (@DaschaBoutique on Twitter), and I've written freelance articles for Fascinations at Fun Love.
In addition, I’m a Supporting Member of the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT). In June, I attended AASECT’s annual conference and completed an intensive two-day class in Sexual Attitude Readjustment Training. After I’m finished with chemotherapy and radiation, I plan to teach workshops on sex techniques, purchasing body-friendly toys, and spicing up your relationships. I will apply for certification as a Sex Educator through AASECT and expect that continuing adult sex education will be a part of my life for years to come.
The beauty about my blog is that a person doesn’t need to read my posts if he or she doesn’t want to do so. Likewise, it’s optional for people to email me with questions or seek advice from me on Formspring. As my friends and readers know, if and when they need me, I'm here.
What are your thoughts about the reader's questions? For those of you friends and readers who have come to me seeking advice, why have you done so? xoxo
Comments (16)
Blow Fun
A reader recently asked me for advice about giving a blow job. The owners of Lotus Blooms have also fielded similar questions so it made sense to tackle this query in a post. (For those of you who've read my blog since its inception, some of the following information may sound familiar to you.)
As a disclaimer, all guys are obviously not the same and what works for one cock might not work for another. But, I firmly believe that with a little practice, any woman can give a good blow job!
For those of you who try to avoid a BJ like it’s the plague, do your best to change that. (It’s obvious and far from sexy when a woman tries to give a blow job begrudgingly.) Replace that apathy or aversion with genuine enthusiasm. View the act like the art form that it is and try to get into it, instead of regarding it as a “job.”
Employ some mind over matter techniques when it’s time to go down on your man. Whisper in his ears that you want to deep throat his cock before you’ve even taken off his pants. Look up and smile at him as you move down between his legs. Remind yourself that his pleasure is worth it, especially if he believes in reciprocating!
If the smell or taste of your man’s cock is a problem for you, I recommend performing oral sex while you both are in the shower. That ensures that his cock is fresh and clean before you begin.
Another option is to perform head with a mint in your mouth like Kitty L’Amour’s Blow Job Mints. The mint helps to make the cock taste pleasant for you, while providing a tingly sensation for the man. If it’s too difficult to control the mint in your mouth while you give a blow job, you might prefer to use one of Doc Johnson’s Good Head blow job gels. I like the mint flavor since it’s not overpowering. Use the gel sparingly for great taste for you and increased sensations for him.
As you prepare to give a great blow job, what else should you consider?
1. How hot is your guy? You want your guy hot, not warm. You want to feel how hard he is before you even take his pants or his briefs/boxers off. If you can’t tell if he’s really into it, spend more time with his mouth on your mouth or tits, while your hand rubs his cock over his clothes.
2. Wet is better than dry. You know how it feels if you aren’t wet and a guy goes inside you. Well, that works both ways. I like starting with a hand job before I take the cock inside my mouth. A little bit of your saliva or lubrication in your palm should do the trick to get him very hard and wet.
I love giving blow jobs in the shower since the cock is wet and hard before I even do anything. I’ve found that it works best when my man stands with his back facing the water, and I’m on my knees, facing him.
3. If you aren’t in the shower, find a place that’s comfortable for you both. I’ve given blow jobs with my man on top of me, but that’s never my preference. (I always feel like that jams my neck and I can’t get as much of my mouth on his cock.) I prefer to be sitting between his legs or on my knees in front of him. Those positions give me the best angle and are more comfortable.
4. Tease the cock for a bit. I take my tongue from the bottom of the shaft (the part facing me) all the way to the top – slowly, lingering for an extra couple of seconds where the tip meets the shaft and then again at the very top. Or, I’ll lick my own nipples and take my tits up and down his shaft for a little. Straight guys like boobs, and few will protest a titty massage of their cocks. (When I’m into someone, I don’t tend to want to tease for very long, but let your man’s reaction be your guide.)
5. When my tongue is at the tip (where the hole is) of the cock, I then take the cock slowly and fully into my mouth, pausing a bit before I take in the last inch. Now, here’s what I do that’s different from most, including the method taught by my sexpert idol, Lou Paget…
I don’t use the side of my mouth. I use the center so I can have the guy’s cock all the way down my throat. I feel like that gives me better range, more contact with my lips and tongue on his cock, and less chance of teeth mishaps. If you have a very sensitive gag reflex, that mode probably won’t work, though. But, if you haven’t tried that before, why not give it a go?
6. The rhythm of your mouth going up and down the cock should depend on how your guy is responding (breath, words, moans and/or what he’s doing with his hands). I like to start with a slower pace, build up to a faster pace, move on to a slower pace again for just a minute, and then go for the big finish (jazz hands optional).
A few additional things to keep in mind:
Take his cock as deep in your mouth as you can as often as you can. When you get to the bottom, stay just like that for a bit before you go back up.
Breathe through your nose so you don’t have to exhale as often. Have you practiced yoga or meditation? Use that experience to your advantage. The more time with his cock in your mouth equates to more pleasure for him.
All hands on cock! Well, maybe not both of them, but at least one. Use your hand to follow your mouth up and down the shaft of the cock. As you go up and down with your mouth, you can also alternate between moving your hand straight up and down the shaft with just gripping the base of the shaft. If balance isn’t a problem for you, take your other hand and gently massage his balls or lick your index finger and rub the sensitive spot between his cock and his ass.
If you are gasping for air, it’s okay to switch things up a bit, but play it off like it’s part of the blow job. (Save the panting and gasping for him, if you can.) Keep your one hand going up and down the cock with a twist of your wrist at the tip. Lick the tip or his balls for a minute until you catch your breath. Or, you can use your hand up and down and jerk him off for a few strokes between your tits.
My favorite move is probably taking my man’s cock in my mouth as deep as it can go down the back of my throat, and then as I move my mouth back up, following it with my hand and doing the wrist twist once I get to the tip. (Every guy is different, though, so I hope that you listen and watch his cues, as he does yours.)
Blow Fun -- It Doesn't Have To Be A Job ;).
Readers, what techniques do you like or dislike?
Comments (15)
UTIs and You (or Your Partner)
Nothing says Hump Day like answering a Formspring question about UTIs (urinary tract infections)! Now, before my male readers close this window, if you date women, you might find this information worthwhile, too.
With the disclaimer that I’m not a medical professional and that a woman should go to her gynecologist if she might have an infection, here goes:
Question: I’ve been in a serious relationship for six months. I recently got my first UTI in two years. When I told my boyfriend, he made me feel bad about it because he doesn’t realize that it was caused by sex. How can I talk to him about it?
Answer: I hope that you have already gone to your gynecologist to confirm that you have a urinary tract infection and obtain a prescription for antibiotics. You should also drink lots of water and cranberry juice to help your bladder clear out and prevent bacteria from sticking to the bladder wall. Most doctors recommend abstaining from sex during treatment for a UTI, but you should confirm that with your health care practitioner.
As the Mayo Clinic describes, it’s very common for women to get UTIs, and many will get more than one in their lifetime. In addition, sexually active women are at higher risk for developing urinary tract infections.
Even though it might not be the easiest conversation to have with your boyfriend, it’s important to do so. The situation is (unfortunately) likely to recur so not sayng anything now merely prolongs the inevitable.
Pick a time when you won’t be rushed and when sex isn’t expected. Open with how you realize this isn’t a particularly fun topic to talk about and how your previous conversation made you feel. Impress upon your boyfriend that this is a common occurrence for many women and how it can happen when you don’t urinate after you have sex. Let him know that you are on antibiotics to treat the infection and that it’s not contagious. Offer to email him information from any of the sites linked herein if he wants to read more about UTIs. And, then ask him for his thoughts.
You should come up with something in your own words, but as an idea:
I felt hurt when I told you what was going on with my infection, and you intimated that it was my fault/were dismissive. I had hoped that you would be more understanding. Many women get UTIs, and sex is often the cause. I'll try to be better about going the bathroom right after we have sex so this doesn’t happen again. It’s not contagious or anything like that, but my doctor recommended waiting until I’m done with my antibiotics before having sex again so things can heal. If you want me to send you some links to sites about this, I can. So, what are you thoughts about this?
The average healthy guy doesn’t have to deal with UTIs so it’s not an issue that is going to be on his radar. If I’m with a partner who wants to snuggle or talk for a while after sex, I let him know that I need to head to the bathroom quickly and why. I don’t spell it out explicitly, but I’ll say something like:
I really want to continue this conversation/stay in bed, but let me quickly head to the bathroom so I’m not hurting tomorrow.
Most guys aren’t going to ask what I mean by that, and that’s fine. It’s more important to me that I excuse myself for a few minutes and don’t have to worry about getting a UTI.
So, readers, what are your thoughts on this issue? Did I miss anything? xoxo
Comments (18)
From FWBs to Roomies?
Time to tackle a reader's question from Formspring:
Question: Can living with a "friend with benefits" work? Relationship is pre-existing, but the possibility of being roomies is new.
Answer: My initial impression is that living with a friend with benefits cannot work, but that might be too simplistic an answer.
What prompted the discussion about moving in together? Since you are asking if a relationship could work with your friend with benefits, then I wonder if you've developed feelings for your friend. Has he or she given you any indication that this could be anything more than the current arrangement?
If you care about this person and want more than a casual relationship, then living together as roommates might be difficult for you. What if he or she is sleeping with you one night and then someone else the next? What if he or she doesn't come home one night? I would hate for you to get hurt and then, to add insult to injury, have to look for another roommate or place to live.
I recommend communicating with your friend with benefits prior to signing a lease. What are your goals with this living situation and what are his or hers? Be as honest as you can in the hopes that he or she will be honest, too. If you both are only interested in being friends and saving money by living together, then maybe this can work. Nonetheless, laying some ground rules might help you make a smooth transition from friends with benefits to roommates. For example:
No sex once you start living together; or
No bringing people of the opposite sex over without giving the other person a heads up first.
(I appreciate that having rules might seem unnecessary since you’re both adults, but communication and a clear plan now will alleviate problems later.)
Typically in a friends with benefits arrangement, one person wants more than something casual. There might be a chance that both of you want to be more than friends with benefits. If that’s the case, then I would recommend trying to date each other before becoming roommates. If you move in with someone you’ve just started dating, it automatically becomes a serious relationship. Give yourselves time to figure out if you can transition from friends with benefits to being a couple before taking such a serious step.
What other advice do you have for this reader?
Comments (2)
Exit Only
Time to tackle a reader’s question from Formspring:
Question: My boyfriend is into anal, but it is not my preference due to some medical issues I had (down there). Even though I don’t mind trying new things, how do I relate this to him so he understands? Is there anything extra I can do to please him?
Answer: I’m sorry to hear that you’ve had to deal with health problems. I have several friends with debilitating stomach and intestinal problems so I appreciate what you're going through.
Since you’re serious enough with this guy to refer to him as your “boyfriend,” I hope that you feel comfortable enough to have an honest conversation with him.
In your own words, I recommend saying something like:
I know that you’ve mentioned that you enjoy anal. But, I think you know that I’ve had some tummy issues. I don’t want to risk having any additional health problems by trying to have anal sex. Can you appreciate that? [Pause and wait for an answer. There might be further discussion about your medical issues and how they impact your life. If he truly cares about you, he won't want to do anything that could hurt you.]
I do like to try new things, though, and I definitely want to make you happy. Is there something other than anal that we could try that you would like? [See what ideas he suggests. Talk about your interests and your fantasies and figure out what works for both of you. Since he’s a guy, I would figure out in advance how you would respond to him if he asks about having a threesome.]
Try to broach the matter at a time when you won't be rushed and you’re not getting ready to have sex. There’s no need to add stress or pressure to the situation.
I would also consider bringing a few ideas to the table that could hopefully please both of you. What if you had an anal scene from a porno film playing in the background while you had sex? Could you read a book or watch a DVD about Tantric Sex together and try some of the moves out? What if you brought toys or some light fetish gear (nipple clamps) into the bedroom? Would either of you consider rimming? Do you normally use lubricant while you’re having sex? (If so, try not using it as much. If not, try using some. Varying the level of wetness and tightness can provide different sexual experiences.)
Also, have you spoken to your gastroenterologist or primary care physician about whether you’re allowed to attempt anal? If you are medically prohibited from engaging in any anal play, that’s definitely worth mentioning when you talk to your boyfriend. Would you be willing to give it a try if you're medically cleared to do so? (I’m not looking to have you try things outside of your comfort zone, but when it comes to the intersection of sexual health and a medical condition, it’s always worth talking with your doctor.)
Keep in mind that there's no right or wrong here. Your sexual comfort level is for you alone to decide, and you should never feel like you need to try something because other people are or want you to do so. In addition, there are many women without health issues who don't care to have anal sex. Recent statistics indicate that only 1/3 of heterosexual males and females are having anal sex.
Please let me know how it goes. Readers, do you have any thoughts to share?
Comments (3)
What do you need, honey?
Let’s tackle a reader’s question from Formspring:
So, my partner says she does find me “attractive,” but doesn’t ever really get into the mood. I’m not abnormally hasty or anything. She just says that she doesn’t feel it often, although she’s felt it in the past. I feel…bad about myself. What am I to do?
Answer: It's perfectly understandable that you feel confused and slighted. Have there been any changes in her life or her routine that could have precipitated a decrease in her sex drive? Has she switched jobs? Has she been having any health problems? Is there added stress from family obligations, financial issues or a pending move?
I recommend having a heart-to-heart with her about what she needs from you at this time in her life. Some of those needs may be emotional, while others may be functional or sexual. She may be going through something right now that she hasn't felt comfortable sharing with anyone, including you. Or, it could be that she feels like she's at the end of her rope as she juggles life, work and family.
Try not to broach the matter when you’re rushed or expecting to have sex. After you listen to her needs, ask how you can help her. Listen and then, if it seems appropriate, tell her what your needs are in this relationship. How can you both prioritize the other person more? How can you compromise to both feel satisfied emotionally and sexually? Have you been together long enough that it’s time to try to spice up your relationship? (Spicing your relationship up might involve more romance than sex.)
If you can, don't internalize her problems, although that’s easier said than done when you are in a relationship. I hope that if you’re together, you both find the other person attractive and that your connection is stronger than a change in your routine or the other’s appearance.
No one, especially a partner, should do or say anything to make you feel less attractive. Your partner should try to build you up, not the other way around. Hopefully, you will be able to resolve the situation and feel better about yourself. If that's not the case, though, what can you do on your own to better yourself? That might involve going for a promotion at work, joining a gym, taking a class, meditating, or playing a sport. Think of what would make you happy and give that a try.
Please let me know how the conversation goes. And, readers, what advice do you have for this person?
Comments (8)
How to master the art of dirty talk
How can you master the art of dirty talk to enhance your sex life? Read on for my tips:
1. Status check.
There are people who never curse or talk in slang, while others use these words as part of their daily vernacular. If you fall into the former group, then it would be out-of-character to look at your partner and let out a barrage of expletives or slang words. Assess how you normally interact as a couple. Then, working within your comfort zone, take it up a notch.
If you’re new to talking dirty, ease into it via text messaging or in the bedroom with the lights out. If that seems too daunting for you, think of phrases when you’re alone in the shower and whisper them out loud. Get yourself warmed up to the idea by finding expressions that excite you.
2. Getting started.
Whether you are new or experienced at dirty talk, texts and emails can be used to spice up your relationship. If you aren’t sure of what to say, keep it simple:
Missing your [blank]; or
Can’t wait to kiss/lick/suck/fuck your [blank].
Fill-in-the-blank or leave it open and see how your partner responds. If you have special nicknames or words that you use together, include those in your dirty texts. Secret phrases that only you two share can be sexy!
If work and family keep you and your partner from spending much quality time together, then incorporate dirty talk into your routine to reconnect. Send a text or write a note before date night to build up the anticipation for that time and remind your significant other how you feel about him or her.
3. Know your audience.
If your partner has never expressed an interest in anal, then I wouldn’t send a text or make a comment in the bedroom about that. Likewise, if your significant other isn’t the quickest with double entendres, steer clear of those.
Think about what you and your partner find hot or enjoyable and add those things into your repertoire of dirty talk!
4. What manner works best for you?
How do you and your significant other communicate? Is sexting a good way to spice up your relationship, or is e-mail easier? Did you give cards to each other when you first met? What about the phone or Skype? Or, are you people who thrive on face-to-face conversation? Stick with what is comfortable for you both if sex talk is a new element to your relationship.
5. Ready, set, talk!
Use virtual modes of communication to help you develop your naughty side outside of the bedroom. Then, bring that excitement into the bedroom. If you’re not accustomed to talking in bed, a simple “right there,” “more,” or “don’t stop” is a great way to start. Then, incorporate the language that you used in your naughty texts or notes into your live dirty talk.
Once you start to feel more comfortable, build on that. Look your partner in the eyes, hold his or her face close to yours and say exactly what you want him or her to do to you:
I can’t wait for you to put your…
The goal here is to sound sexy, but genuine. It’s not hot if you say anything in a monotone or apprehensive voice without any passion behind it. But, if you’re at ease saying a word and you’re clearly enjoying yourself, then your partner should sense that and respond accordingly!
Be yourself, and remember that there’s no right or wrong here if it feels okay to you both. Have fun!xoxo
Comments (0)
Why won't a guy do THAT?
Formspring, I haven’t forsaken you!
Question: My guy doesn’t go down. He did once for a very brief time, and I’m afraid that he doesn’t like my taste. I’m not interested in douching since it isn’t recommended by health specialists for causing Pelvic Inflammatory Disease (PID). So what can/should I do instead?
Answer: I’m sorry to read that you aren’t getting the attention you’d like in the bedroom. With that said, I don’t think this problem has anything to do with how you taste.
I doubt that anyone – guy or girl -- would say that cum tastes like the sweetest delicacy around. Likewise, in all but the rarest cases, it doesn’t taste like the worst meal you’ve ever tried.
A shower before sex should ensure that everyone smells and tastes as fresh as he or she can. (You can also add pineapple in juice or solid form to your diet to help improve the taste of your cum.)
I commend you for staying away from douches, as they have been linked to PIDs, bacterial infections and other health issues. If you happen to have any abnormal discharge or a strong odor, you might want to make an appointment with your gynecologist. If you’re not sure, call your gynecologist! (And, guys, see your internist or a urologist if you have either of those symptoms!)
If you’re shower fresh and your man still doesn’t want to go down on you, what can you do?
1. Communicate with him. In your own words, you can either: a) tell him how much pleasure you receive from oral sex; b) ask him why he doesn’t do that to you or c) calmly say both of those things. Pick a time to broach the topic when you aren’t rushed, sex isn’t expected, and you can see his facial expressions. If he’s caught off guard by the question, let him know that he doesn’t have to answer you right then and there.
2. Flip it! The next time you are going down on him, get on top of him in a ‘69’ position. As you gently guide your pussy over his face before you take his cock back in your mouth, say something about how turned on you are by going down on him and how you’d love to cum together.
3. Bring in reinforcements. The reason that most women love oral sex is that the majority can’t orgasm without clitoral stimulation. (Not every guy knows this, though, so you might need to tell your man if that’s the case with you.)
If he takes his time with foreplay and using his hands, maybe introduce a small vibrating toy into the mix? If he’s not big on foreplay, have you thought of adding a vibrating cock ring or finger vibe to your bedroom routine?
4. Accept. Most guys of a certain age will at least make an effort to go down on a woman, but there are those men who categorically won’t. How important is this to you? Is the goal for you to cum or for him to go down on you to make you cum? Does your relationship – in or out of the bedroom – need to be 50/50? If you've answered in the affirmative, is that realistic?
I’ve often wondered why certain men don’t go down on women so I asked City Boy for the male perspective. He commented:
Men are visual creatures. The vagina isn’t something we fantasize about. We like what we can see, not what we can’t. Think of the most sensual parts of a woman – the breasts, hips, and butt. It’s never the vagina. We can’t easily touch that.
If a guy isn’t interested in going down, you can’t change him. If a woman doesn’t go down on a guy, it’s a lot easier to get her to change her mind. She’ll feel some sense of guilt if a guy gives her immense pleasure by going down on her. Eventually, that guilt will cause her to reciprocate. A guy won’t feel remorseful about the situation so he’s fine with it being one-sided.
So, readers, what are you thoughts? Have you encountered a man or woman who won’t go down on you? How did you handle it? Did City Boy and I miss anything?
Comments (14)
Transitioning from friends to...
With the opening of Friends With Benefits, it seemed only fitting to answer this question from a reader via Formspring:
How do you transition from friendship to more than that ;)? I’m friends with this boy, and I don’t know how to try and change the vibe because I'd like to be more than friends. Any tips?
Based on how you phrased the question, I'm assuming that you're interested in dating your friend, rather than just something physical. Have you thought about:
- How much you rely on this guy as a friend?
- If you lost the friendship completely or it became awkward to be around him, is that worth the risk of trying to transition to more than friends?
- What’s the best possible outcome in the short or long term? What’s the worst?
There’s no right or wrong answer to those questions, but you need to be prepared as best as you can for all possible options. Is the chance to be with this guy worth the risk of losing him in your life completely?
If the benefits outweigh the risks or it’s becoming difficult to hide your feelings, then think about what he’s said about relationships and figure out how you can change up your normal routine. Some ideas and questions to consider:
1. Is he open to being in a relationship right now? Does he talk to you about other girls or what he is looking for? Is he hung up on an ex? Has it always been just platonic between you two or was there ever any flirtation?
Answering those questions might help you figure out how best to proceed. If he’s still getting over an ex-girlfriend, I might wait to broach the subject. If there was a time when he was flirtatious with you, then I might be more inclined to let him know how you feel.
2. How do you two normally interact? Try to change your routine in a manner that makes it more conducive for the relationship to naturally evolve into something as more than friends.
If you’re used to just working out together or watching DVDs, what if you suggest getting dinner one evening at a quiet restaurant? If you typically socialize with friends at a bar or lounge, what if you offer to cook for him at your place?
If you two interact one or twice in a different mode, does he seem more inclined to go down the dating path? If so, then I might wait to say something for a little bit. If not, then it might be worth proceeding to #3 and actually saying something to him.
3.Talk to him. It’s not always easy to share your feelings with someone, but you’ll never know how he feels unless you do so. On an evening when you aren’t drunk, rushed or around other people, tell him in your own words:
Your friendship is really important to me. But, lately, I’ve started to wonder what it would be like to be more than friends. Have you ever thought about that, too?
Think about how you’ll respond if he says “yes” or “no.” Can you still be friends with him if he doesn’t want to date you? If he’s interested in being more than friends with you, what do you hope for next? If he seems completely caught off guard, let him know that you can talk about this another time because it's not urgent. (It might feel pressing at the time, but it really isn't.) Likewise, if the conversation becomes awkward, you can let him know that you don't need to figure this all out at once and then change the topic. If the guy is interested in more, he'll make a move or bring it up at a later time.
Regardless of the outcome, be proud of yourself for being honest and going after what you want!
Thanks for the great question and let me know how it goes! xoxo
So, readers, did I miss anything?
Comments (8)
"O" face
Let’s start the week off with a question from Formspring!
Question: My wife does not have an orgasm when I go down on her. She’s told me she likes it, but it only relaxes her. When I was dating, not like I had a line out the door, but I managed to tongue until “O” with the women I performed cunnilingus on. Thoughts?
Answer: Thanks for your question! It sounds like you truly care for your wife and her sexual health, which says a lot about your relationship. The fact that you're already communicating about your sex lives openly also bodes well for getting down to the heart of the matter (slight pun intended).
If you can, try not to compare your wife to the women you dated before her. There will always be someone who did [fill in the blank] better or more, or someone with whom you had more or less sexual chemistry. Comparisons can often serve as a distraction from really working through an issue in your current relationship. Remember that unlike any other woman you dated in the past, this is your wife. You love each other enough to have made that level of commitment to each other so view this as but a miniscule bump in a long road together.
Since you’ve already opened the lines of communication with your wife, I would continue doing so at a time when you aren't rushed and sex isn't expected. I would also broach this topic gently with kind words and reassuring body language (holding her hand or putting your arm around her back, for example).
Have you asked her if she has achieved orgasm before? Not all women have. If she has reached orgasm from other activities before, has she been able to orgasm from oral alone? Have you asked her what, if anything, you can do to help her orgasm?
If she’s never reached orgasm by herself or with a partner, I would suggest buying her a small toy and encouraging her to spend some quality time with herself on her own. (My advice to women in search of their first orgasm is in this post.) Then, when she feels comfortable, you can join in on the fun.
If she can reach orgasm from oral sex, it’s worth finding out what works for her. Are either of you feeling rushed because of stress, other obligations or fatigue? If so, can you both make an effort to find a better time to be intimate with each other? Does she need a lot of foreplay before you focus on her clit? Does she need more fantasy or a certain romantic mood to be set? Do slow strokes or fast strokes work better for her? Does she like her pussy or ass to be simultaneously stimulated? If so, does she prefer a finger or two or a small toy? I've written posts about going down (or staying down, as I prefer to call it) on a woman before, and this one in particular might provide some helpful tips.
On the chance that your wife is unable to orgasm at all, gently guide her toward asking her gynecologist for a referral to a doctor that deals with sexual health issues. 16% of women suffer from vaginal pain conditions, and these conditions significantly limit their ability to enjoy sex. (I'm including oral sex in this category, although each woman is different.) Endometriosis can also make it difficult to reach orgasm. Or, there might be emotional issues that she’s dealing with or unable to process that require the assistance of a therapist.
Without knowing your home life, some women who are juggling careers and family have indicated to me that sex is the last thing on their minds. (I’ve had more than one reader comment that at the end of a long day, she just wants a little help with the children, a glass of wine and a bubble bath.) If it’s been tough for you both to prioritize yourselves as a couple, take some time to do that. Check out my tips to reconnecting with your partner.
Whatever happens, good luck to you and your wife and please keep me posted.
Okay, readers, did I miss anything?
Have a relationship, adult toy or sex question for me? Ask me anything on Formspring like this reader did! xoxo
Comments (7)
A bad first time
It’s Hump Day so let’s tackle a sex question from a reader:
My boyfriend thinks since the first time we had sex was awkward, it means we may not be sexually compatible. His thoughts are causing issues in the relationship, as I'm very sexual, and it’s made our recent re-attempts for sex awkward, too. How can I tell him to relax?
Answer: Thanks for your question! I think this issue is fairly common since there’s a lot of pressure placed on relationship “firsts.” The first date, the first kiss, the first time you have sex and the first vacation are all supposed to be perfect. The reality is, though, that nothing and no one are truly perfect in life or love. Given that this was your first time with your boyfriend, the awkwardness might have just stemmed from first time jitters.
It’s a good sign that you and your boyfriend are communicating, even if that communication has temporarily caused the sexual dynamic between you two to be uncomfortable. It’s important to continue communicating about your likes and dislikes – in and out of the bedroom – to get over this hump. If you’re a sexual person, then it shouldn’t be too difficult to figure out what he enjoys and the techniques and pace he prefers.
Likewise, I think it’s okay to acknowledge that every time you both have sex won’t be amazing. Factors such as sleep, stress, physical health, age, emotional health, time of day, alcohol consumption and medicinal side effects may all play a role in sex drive and sexual performance.
By your use of the term, “boyfriend,” you both appear to have made a commitment to each other prior to engaging in sex. I don’t know how long you have been dating, but the fact that you took your time to have sex until after a solid connection was formed says something about what you and your boyfriend value. Focus on what drew you to each other in the first place and try to replicate those activities on your next dates. Vary the place, positions and time of day when you have sex. Try it with or without alcohol or ambiance. Bring a fun book of different positions, adult video or Kama Sutra kit into the bedroom. You can even take a step back and just please each other orally before attempting to have vaginal sex again.
I would focus less on the fact that he needs to relax and more on the fact that you both need to be open and accepting of the other person. Sexually compatibility is a skill that can be improved upon with desire and communication. View this as a minor problem that you both can tackle head on together!
I don’t know the details of your relationship beyond what you included in the question so I wonder how old you and your boyfriend are. Priorities for people (typically, but not exclusively, boys) in high school and college may be different than those adults who are looking for something solid and long-term. If you fall in this age group and are looking for a relationship that isn’t just based on sexual compatibility, let your boyfriend’s words and actions be your guide as to whether he is on the same page as you are.
Good luck and let me know how it goes!
Anything to add, readers?
Have a question for me? Ask me anything anonymously on Formspring!
Comments (8)
Who pays for dates?
TGIFormspring?!? It’s time to answer a reader’s question:
What's your recommendation when it comes to paying for dates? I get the first, the second, but if you are into a guy, is there a point when you should offer to pay (or at least pay for half) so that you don't seem like a gold digger?
Answer: This is a great question! It might be easier to solve the Riddle of the Sphinx than figure out who should pay for a date, though. In a discussion a few weeks ago with friends at Lincoln, several women were adamant that a guy should pay all of the time, unless the female was taking the guy out to celebrate a special occasion. They reasoned that the guy wants to feel useful and show that he's a good provider. One man in the group adamantly disagreed, viewing this as a feminist issue. In his opinion, the cost of dates should be split 50/50 to ensure an equal power dynamic.
I posed variations of your question on Formspring, and the general consensus was that whoever asks the other person out on a date should pay. A few women chimed in that they hope that the man pays for the first date as a sign of his genuine interest, but then the person who does the asking should pay. A male friend commented offline that he feels like there are women who expect the guy to always pay for dates, and that it’s nice to have the woman pay for an evening once in a while.
For most of my dating life, I’ve been the type of woman to offer to pay, but yet I judge a guy a bit if he allows me to pay for half of the bill. (I think some of that has to do with the fact that I don’t drink so if the bill is split, then I end up paying more than my share. But, I don’t want to squabble on a first date over $5 or $10, and I had viewed this as a feminist issue.)
I’ve changed that mode recently, though. I've realized that when I’ve truly cared about a guy, I’ve always invested more in the relationship in every sense of the word. I’m not interested in repeating that pattern again. Initially, I’d like to be courted a bit, and then if I make it to a fourth or fifth date with a new man, I’ll take him out somewhere nice. I’m not offering to pay my way, but rather just saying thank you in person and later by text. (For those who are wondering, these guys asked me out so it does follow the notion of “Whoever asks should pay.”) I feel more comfortable in this mode than I felt offering to go dutch.
Since your question assumed that the guy will pay for the first two dates, I think you can ask him out or arrange a fun evening for the two of you in your first month of dating and then pay for that date. It's worth noting that a woman who expects a man who asks her out to pay for the date isn’t a gold digger. Most guys will be able to sense if a woman is trying to take advantage of him because of his money, as those traits will often exhibit themselves in other arenas beyond who pays for dinner at the end of the night.
If you have the expectation that the guy will be paying for the first few dates (and that’s not necessarily the wrong expectation to have, depending on who does the asking), there will be some level of comfort between you two after several dates. It’s possible to ask at that point how he feels about the “Who should pay on a date” issue. Likewise, you’ll know more about his general financial situation and whether it makes sense for you to contribute more when you’re together. (If he’s in graduate school and you have a steady job, you might be more inclined to contribute more than if you’re making significantly less than he is. If he makes significantly more than you do, then my male friend's idea of taking him out now and then should be especially well-received.)
Based on Facebook comments, people are very passionate about this issue.
So, folks, how do you deal (or how have you dealt when you were dating) with the issue of “Who pays?” What suggestions would you give this reader?
Comments (11)
What makes a woman sexy?
What makes a woman sexy?
A reader recently asked me that question via Formspring. Check out the video to find out my answer and hear what close friend and cybervixen Dina Al-Sabah has to say on the topic.
Dina is a fitness model and cover girl. She's done photo shoots around the world, wearing beautiful swimsuits and lingerie from lines like La Perla and Agent Provacateur. Dina has generously agreed to auction off these suits and pieces of lingerie on eBay and donate ALL of the proceeds to a breast cancer charity. (For those of you who are wondering, these items have only been worn for the shoots before washing and proper storing.)
When Dina approached me about doing a #SupportTheTatas campaign, I thought it was a great idea. (Dina is all about supporting the tatas! She flew to DC from the West Coast several times to help me out during treatment. That's love!)
The auction will commence on November 1st. As an added perk, the person who bids the highest total amount will receive a complimentary photo shoot from Isaac Hinds of Lift Studios and a large box of costume jewelry that Dina has used in her shoots.
Check out the items that will be auctioned off here. Generosity is very sexy!
So, readers, what do you think makes a woman sexy?
Comments (4)
The Anal-Loving Joneses
You don’t do anal sex?!? All the girls do it now.
-- Statement made to a recently divorced woman from a guy she had started dating
When a friend of that woman relayed that comment to me, I rolled my eyes and shook my head.
Me: I hope she responded that ‘All guys aren’t going down on women for less than two hours at a time these days.’
My friend and I laughed, as we speculated as to why a guy would say that to a woman.
Male Friend: He’s just trying to test her boundaries.
Me: He’s trying to prey on her insecurities since she hasn’t dated in a while. It reminds me of those guys in college who would try to pressure a girl into bringing another woman into the bedroom by saying that all girls secretly fantasize about being with another woman.
Male Friend: What’s your website again? I need to send her your way. [I smile and pass him my card.]
There are certain dating rules – spoken and unspoken – that come to mind with this situation:
1. A woman never has to do anything that she doesn’t want to;
2. A woman never has to do anything that she doesn’t want to. (It’s like Fight Club. Some rules bear repeating);
3. There are quite a few guys who are just trying to get a woman into bed. (Does that apply to all men? Of course not. But, there are enough guys of this mindset that it’s worth mentioning);
4. Some guys will try to test women’s boundaries sexually and with respect to dating etiquette. (If a guy can just go over to have sex with a woman without taking her out on dates or giving her advance notice, he will do that);
5. Some women are okay with just having casual sex with men, but that’s not the norm for the majority of females; and
6. Some people are interested in trying anal sex and some aren’t. Some people love it, and some don’t. For those who are interested in trying it out, trust and communication are integral to the safety and pleasure of the act. Click here for my Anal 101 post.
No one – male or female – should engage in any sexual activity because others are doing so. That applies to freshman in college who are wondering if they are the only virgins on campus. (They aren’t.) That applies to a guy who wants to wait to have sex until he gets to know a girl, despite the fact that his buddies are all saying he should ‘seal the deal.’ (He shouldn’t, until he and the girl are ready.) And, that applies to anyone who is getting back into the dating scene and isn’t sure what he or she feels comfortable doing. If you aren't 100% sure about moving forward physically or emotionally, then you shouldn't do so. If a person won’t wait for you, then he or she isn’t the right fit as a sexual or long-term partner.
For the woman who received the comment that instigated this post:
A 2010 survey of 5,200+ people ages 14 to 70 found that 32% of women have had anal sex and 31.8% of heterosexual men have had anal sex during their lifetime. If you need more statistics, additional information is available here.
Your date is wrong on so many levels, and he was disrespectful to make you feel like you had to keep up with the Anal-Loving Joneses. If you continue to date him, make sure that he’s treating you well and not pressuring you in any way.
So, readers, did I miss anything? What are your thoughts on this issue?
As a PS, thanks to all who voted that I shouldn’t go out with a guy if I’m feeling poorly. Over the past five days, I've had migraines for three of them. (My norm is two a week. More than that means my medication isn’t working.) I was so looking forward to going out with Mr. CEO, but I heeded your advice and canceled. Not surprisingly, he understood, and I saved myself a night in which I wouldn’t have put my best foot – or head – forward. xoxo
Comments (9)
The Rules of Juggling
“Do you tell all the guys you see that you're dating around, or is it just assumed that everyone does it? If someone is seeing you exclusively, do you ever feel bad about not reciprocating? I'm trying to figure my own stuff out, so I'm comparing notes.”
When I received that question in my Formspring inbox, I smiled to myself. I can wax poetic about anal sex, what to do if you’ve found a lump in your breast, or what constitutes a body-friendly sex toy. But, when it comes to juggling more than one guy, I wouldn’t regard myself as an expert in that arena by any stretch of the imagination. In this regard, I have tried, but I have rarely succeeded.
I have tried to operate under a certain code of norms when I’m dating more than one person:
1. Be honest without being forthcoming. I don’t lie when asked about others I might be dating or having sex with, but I don’t offer up information about my dating life voluntarily;
2. Steer away from comparisons. If you’re dating two guys, there will always be one guy with whom you have more in common, one guy with whom there is more passion, one guy who you see more regularly, etc. I don’t compare one guy to the other, but rather, I accept each guy for what he brings to my life;
3. Respect the parameters of the relationship. If I say I’m sexually exclusive, I am. If I’m in a committed relationship, I am. If I’m not allowed to date or kiss other people, I don’t. Period; and
4. Safety first. If I’m not in a sexually monogamous relationship, I need to be using condoms. That need increases exponentially with each partner.
I do think there are a few other variables to dating more than one person:
1. If you’re not in an exclusive relationship, it is assumed that you’re dating other people. However, a double standard still exists. It is more socially acceptable for a guy to be sleeping with more than one person than a woman. I wish that wasn’t the case, but past partners have gotten upset with me when I was engaging in the exact same behavior as they were.
2. If one person wants more from the other person, then he or she should initiate that conversation sooner, rather than later. Dating more than one person can get even more complicated when one party is content with that arrangement in the long term, and the other is looking for a serious and exclusive relationship. Are you and the guys that you’re dating on the same page in terms of what you’re doing in the present and what you’re looking for in the future? If not, that could be a problem regardless of how many people you're dating.
3. Are all parties involved being honest with each other? There needs to be a certain level of trust, communication and respect here. If you decide to be sexually exclusive with one man, is he respecting that arrangement, too? If you both are dating other people, are you both equally as concerned about safe sex? If you think something feels off with your arrangement, trust your instinct.
4. Emotions can often trump rational thought. My polyamorous friends are able to be in serious relationships with a long-term partner, while dating others. They’re honest and open about their wants and needs, and they don’t get jealous when their partners go out with others. In fact, it’s encouraged and supported! I admire how they can approach their relationships in such a levelheaded manner, although I know that I wouldn't be comfortable with that type of arrangement.
So, what advice do you have for the reader who asked the question? Are there rules or norms that apply that you don’t think I covered?
Comments (12)
Losing it!
Okay, so I’m a virgin. I want to wait until I’m married to have sex. When I do it for the first time, will it really hurt? And, will there be blood? How long does it take for there to be no pain after the first time?
Thanks for your question via Formspring. Most women who are contemplating losing their virginity wonder the exact same things.
I admire your resolve in deciding to wait until you’re married, especially given the pressures that society and peers place on having sex at younger ages. Since sex can change and complicate a relationship, it's preferable to wait until you're in a committed relationship to have sex for the first time. Whether you are male or female, remember that you never need to have sex if you don’t want to and aren’t sure you’re 100% ready.
Whether or not having sex for the first time will hurt depends on several factors:
- How large is the guy, and how small are you? (It's worth noting, although you can't change biology.)
- How wet are you naturally? (If you aren’t, make sure you have some lubrication on hand.)
- How much foreplay is involved? I recommend having your man place one or two fingers on your clit or giving you oral before he goes inside you. If he can do either for at least 20 minutes to ensure that your muscles are fully relaxed and allow you to orgasm, that should help once you have vaginal sex.
- Can you work your way up to losing your virginity? (I’m not sure if you’re waiting until you are married for any physical contact below the belt. If not, is it possible to do other activities so that there will be less discomfort?)
- How much communication will there be between you and your partner? Do you feel comfortable telling your partner to stop or go slower? Will your partner ask you how it’s feeling? As is a recurring theme in my posts, communication is key!
- Will you be using birth control, and if there's a prior sexual history on his part, has he been tested for STIs and HIV? These issues need to be discussed beforehand. For those of you who are having sex and aren't in a committed relationship, make sure that you have a lubricated latex condom available.
- Will your partner be patient? It’s better to go slow at first to minimize any discomfort. He needs to be aware of this, too.
For some, losing their virginity is painful. For others, it’s not uncomfortable at all. A woman may bleed a small amount, but that is typically due to force and lack of lubrication. If you bleed outside of your period for more than a few days or in an abnormal amount, you should call your gynecologist immediately.
Whenever you decide that it’s the right time for you, know that the act might not be as blissful and orgasmic as a romance novel implies. However, if you wait for the right person, you can guarantee that it will be special. And, much like anything else, practice will definitely make perfect!
So, readers, was your first time awkward or painful? What tips would you have for this reader?
Comments (10)
Faking it
Last week, I received three questions on Formspring related to having an orgasm. (Is there something in the air?) I’ll answer those questions in the coming weeks, but the interest in the topic has me thinking that we need to reframe the discussion.
Where’s the focus on intimacy?
Why don’t we educate women how to have orgasms, rather than commiserate over faking them?
Why, for heterosexual couples, is the focus on the guy’s lack of skill or sensitivity, or the woman’s frigidity?
Why can't we prioritize knowing our bodies and sexual health in a positive way?
A young woman who is losing her virginity shouldn’t be expected or feel pressured to know her body as well as a woman 10, 20 or 40 years her senior. A prostate cancer survivor who can no longer ejaculate shouldn’t feel as though sex is pointless. A female who hasn’t yet experienced a vaginal orgasm shouldn’t feel as though she’s faking it. A committed couple that uses a toy to stimulate the female’s clit during sex shouldn’t question whether or not that act of sex constitutes “making love.” A guy shouldn't feel emasculated if his wife doesn't cum from sex or accuse her of being a cold fish.
Based on the female anatomy, most women don't achieve women through vaginal intercourse alone. Only 14% of women always orgasm during vaginal sex, and almost 1/3 of women never do. The media appears far more concerned with talking about the problems than of promoting any solutions.
Some women orgasm easily. Some don’t.
Some people cum during foreplay. Some don’t.
Some like anal. Some don’t.
Some use sex toys. Some don’t.
Some can reach vaginal orgasm. Some can’t.
Sometimes sex is great! Sometimes it’s not.
Isn’t it more important that we try to know as much as we can about our wondrous bodies, rather than aspiring to some soap opera notion of love making? If we reframe the discussion to talk about the fun of the journey, rather than the destination, won’t we all enjoy the ride more?
There's much fun to be had if women take the time to explore their own bodies, men learn about the clit and what their partners like, and couples communicate about their sexual health.
What are your thoughts on faking it and the pressures to reach orgasm?
Comments (8)
Orgasm Help
Nothing says, “Happy Holidays!” like answering a reader’s question from Formspring.
Question: I’ve never orgasmed, and I feel like every partner I’ve had takes personal offense to it. I want to learn how to reach that point, but nothing I try seems to work. I don’t get any pleasure from a man going down on me. I feel like I’m broken or something.
Answer: First and most importantly, you are not broken. Remind yourself of that often! Almost 1/3 of women never orgasm during sex. Unfortunately, there’s no tried and true playbook for reaching orgasm that works for every woman, but you might find some comfort and pleasure in any of the following recommendations:
Are you able to orgasm by yourself either clitorally or vaginally? Figuring out what you like on your own will allow you to feel more comfortable with your own body and orgasmic ability. Then, you can bring those techniques and preferences into the bedroom with your partner.
For self-exploration, I recommend that a woman spends some quality time with herself and by herself. You can start with a small toy and place it just on your clit -- not inside. If you need to be relaxed first, do whatever gets you in the mood (music, wine, candles, chocolate, etc.). It's your time to cater to you!
For starter toys, I recommend a bullet, the Lelo Nea or Mia, or the Fun Factory YOOO. You don't need to go full force and buy a Hitachi wand for your first time, but the option is there.
It's okay to set the stage or do anything to yourself that feels good. Rub your nipples, point your showerhead toward your pussy, lie on your bed and rub your pussy lips with your fingers. Open the top of the lips and place a finger or two directly on your clit. Continue to do whatever turns you on. It might take some time (15, 20 or even 30 minutes), but you don't have to use a toy to experience an orgasm unless you want to.
Another option is when your clit is hard, place the tip of the bullet or small vibrator on your clit. If you like the comfort or warmth of a shower or bath, you can look for a waterproof bullet to bring in the shower with you. Once you've experienced an orgasm, you will know better how to guide your partner to help you achieve one. Another benefit of exploring yourself on your own first is that you won't be afraid of or confused by the sensation. The mystery will be gone, and the pleasure will be all yours!
If you’re looking to achieve a G-Spot or vaginal orgasm, check out this post. The G-Spot, also known as the clitoral legs, can be elusive, but there are tips that can help you find and embrace it. The Smart Girls' Guide to the G-Spot is a great book, and Fun Factory’s Smart Balls tighten the pelvic muscles to allow for increased orgasmic ability.
With respect to how to interact with your partner, I recommend being honest without being self-deprecating. Stress how you enjoy the intimacy of sex and accept that experiencing pleasure during sex doesn’t necessarily translate into reaching orgasm. Let your partner know that there’s nothing wrong with him or with you. If oral doesn’t stimulate you, help guide your partner toward the activities and motions that do. Use fingers, toys or positions to heighten your pleasure.
If you experience pain during sex, make an appointment with your doctor and ask for a referral to a specialist who deals with vaginal pain issues. An estimated 10% of women experience regular vaginal pain, which can make anything that contracts the pelvic muscles difficult to tolerate.
As with anything in the sex realm, try not to feel stressed or pressured about when you will orgasm. It will happen as it’s meant to.
Comments (8)
Juggling and jealousy
It's time to answer a reader’s question from Formspring!
Question: I like playing the field and your Rules of Juggling. I pretty much commit to one date a night but don't want to be jealous. At a big party how I can give a lady space to meet people without getting served by other guys trying to pick her up?
Answer: Interesting question! My thoughts are as follows:
1. Are you and the women you date open about the fact that you both date other people? There’s nothing wrong with playing the field as long as everyone is playing by the same rules. The problems with juggling usually arise when the parties aren’t all on the same page. When that occurs, one person typically wants more or perceives the relationship as more serious than the other.
2. Is there a concern that one of your dates would actually reciprocate the advances of another guy while you’re in the same room? At a large party or event, it’s normal for your date to greet others with a hug or kiss on the cheek. She will inevitably talk to other guys and might even smile for the camera with one of them. And, fortunately or unfortunately, people are going to flirt, especially when it’s unclear whether or not someone is attached.
One quality that separates a woman with whom you might not want to go out with again from one you do is how she deals with such advances. Very few people – male or female – will be comfortable watching a person that they are on a date with truly flirting with another person. Even fewer will be okay with their date exchanging information with another person when they’re in the same room. (A business card at a networking event is appropriate. Exchanging cell phone numbers with a guy who wants to go out with you when your date is in the same room isn't.)
That lack of tact might be commonplace in college, but beyond your early 20s, that will be perceived as disrespectful. (For those of you in your late teens to early 20s who don't tolerate that behavior, pat yourselves on the back for learning at an early age that you don’t have to play games.)
3. With respect to these large parties, it might be worth evaluating how much space you are giving your date. If most attendees at the party are her friends, then it’s normal and kind to allow her the time to mingle freely. If the party is comprised of people that you know well, but she doesn't, I might stick closer to her, unless she’s more extroverted
4. Since you enjoy playing the field, are you openly flirting with other women in front of your date? A good rule of thumb is to treat your date the way you wish to be treated. If you are comfortable picking up other girls at a large party with your date nearby, realize that she is entitled to do the same. She might end up flirting with other guys coincidentally or with the hope of making you jealous. As long as you both are being honest and not playing games, what's good for the goose is good for the gander.
Guys and girls at events will continue to try to pick each other up. But, if you are on a date, then I hope that you and your date are spending most of your time with each other and leaving together at the end of the night. Otherwise, it's not really a date ;).
Okay, readers, what tips and thoughts do you have for the man with the question? xoxo
Comments (0)
Scared of Getting Pregnant?
Thursday is the day to answer a reader’s relationship or sex question from Formspring so without further ado:
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost two years, but he doesn't want to have sex with me because of the fear of getting me pregnant. We always practice safe sex, but he still worries. How can I reassure him we will be fine?
Answer: Thanks for sharing what you’re going through in your relationship. A few other questions come to mind:
1. Has your boyfriend been this way for the past two years?
2. Has birth control ever failed your boyfriend or an ex-girlfriend of his and caused an unintended pregnancy?
3. Even though you’ve always practiced safe sex together, was there a pregnancy scare or a time when your period was late?
4. Is there something else going on here?
It’s important for couples to practice safe sex to prevent unintended pregnancies and protect against Sexually Transmitted Infections. If you’ve used birth control the entire two years, it gives me cause to pause that your boyfriend would become fearful at a later time.
If he has been consistently worried about getting pregnant throughout your relationship, would you consider using two forms of birth control? He could wear a condom, and you could use another method to be doubly protected. (There might have been a certain attorney-turned-blogger who used three methods of birth control with her first boyfriend because she so feared getting pregnant.)
I never like belittling someone else’s feelings or speculating where a person is coming from, but I feel like there’s more to the story. This level of anxiety about getting pregnant doesn’t typically present itself without a precipitating event. Did his parents have him when they were very young? Did a close friend get pregnant unexpectedly? Did you or an ex-girlfriend have a scare? Is he religious or fearful about what would happen if you did get pregnant?
I recommend talking to him about his concerns when you’re not in the bedroom and there’s no expectation of sex. Don’t assume what he’s feeling and leave your questions open-ended. Let him know that you love him and want to work through this as a couple. Offer to schedule an appointment for you both at a health clinic or gynecologist’s office to discuss birth control methods and their effectiveness. You can also ask for information about Plan B.
If this concern is a newer one for him, there might be more going on than just pregnancy fears. Has his interest in having sex with you changed over the past two years? If so, you might need to ask him why that is and confirm that you both are on the same page in your relationship.
I hope that this is just a small obstacle that you will overcome together. Please keep me posted.
Anything to add, readers? Two – or fifty – cents welcome! xoxo
Comments (10)
Want to Date More in 2012?
Interested in dating more in 2012?
Here are my top five tips, as shared earlier this month on The Tommy Show on 94.7 Fresh FM:
1. Don't feel embarrassed about letting someone know that you might be interested in him or her. Send an email to an intriguing online prospect, say hello to that cute guy at the gym, or ask the girl with the beautiful smile if you can sit down next to her at the coffee shop.
2. Ask friends you trust to introduce you to their single friends. Do something in a group so there's not the added pressure of a blind date.
3. What do you enjoy doing or what have you wanted to try? It's easier to meet people when you're involved in an activity (at the gym, taking a class, volunteering, etc.).
4. Use online social networking to improve your offline social life. Set up an online dating account or revise a current profile. Sign up for speed dating, Professionals in the City or The Grace List and attend an event for singles. Go to your first Tweetup or Yelp event. Pick one thing that sounds fun to you and do it! You might meet a future friend, partner or business contact! If you find yourself nervous, seek out a friend to help you set up or edit your online profile or accompany you to an event.
5. Put a positive spin on the act of dating. In a city like DC, you meet and start up conversations with new people all the time. Talking to a potential date is no different! Just be yourself and be confident about who you are and what you have to offer now.
What tips do you have for those who want to date more in 2012?
For those of you who aren’t in metropolitan areas, how have you met new people?
Comments (4)
Is Honesty Always The Best Policy?
Let’s tackle a reader’s question from Formspring!
Question: I have a best friend, Jenn, that’s been dating her boyfriend, Joe, for about six years. He’s in jail. It’s been one year, and Jenn has been waiting for him. She moved in with Joe’s parents. She told me a month ago that she slept with another guy. Jenn asked me what should she do -- help!
Answer: Thanks for your question. This is definitely a tricky situation. I’m typically of the mindset that honesty is the best policy, even if negative repercussions ensue as a result of being honest. I’m also a huge advocate of open communication since that’s a key component to a healthy relationship.
I find myself wondering, though, if there’s a prison exception to these ideals. Joe is in jail, and that experience will have an enormous impact on his sexuality, his self-esteem and his relationship with Jenn. You didn’t mention how long Joe will be in prison so there’s also the issue of the growing emotional and physical distance between them
It sounds like Jenn needs a listening ear and support at this time. When Joe is released from prison, Jenn and Joe can figure out what the future holds for them and their relationship. I’m not one to advise lying by omission, but it might make sense for Jenn to wait and see what happens before adding further stress to an already difficult situation.
There’s a separate issue here relating to how friends interact with each other. If you feel strongly about whether or not Jenn should tell Joe what happened or stay with him in the long run, you need to broach those topics delicately. Let her know that you love her, appreciate what a tough situation this is, and will support her no matter what decision she makes. If you believe she should tell Joe or not wait for him to get out of prison, don’t phrase those things directly or bluntly. Express your concerns to her and indicate why you’re worried. Remind her that you’re telling her this as an over-protective friend, but that you will continue to stand by her as you always have.
The reason that I’m emphasizing what you say and how you say it is because friendships can be irreparably damaged when people are too direct with their thoughts about partners, parents or children. It's also rare that tough love between friends will change someone's actions. Jenn needs to make her own decisions and mistakes, as she takes comfort in knowing that friends like you will have her back.
Good luck to Jenn, Joe and you! Please keep me posted.
So, readers, did I miss anything? What boundaries do you set in terms of what advice you give your friends?
Comments (2)
Dreams about the Same Sex
It’s Formspring time!
Question: I am a single woman in her 30s. I date men and enjoy all kinds of sexual activity with them. Recently, in my dry spell, I’ve been having very graphic sexual dreams involving other women. I’m concerned that my psyche is trying to tell me something. Help!
Answer: Thanks for your question. Dreams can have different meanings for different people, but it’s worth remembering that sexual dreams are completely normal. Many psychologists believe that dreams about kisses or sex with a member of the same sex represent compassion, self-acceptance and self-love. Those are great qualities to possess!
You mentioned that you’ve been in a dry spell lately so it’s also possible that your subconscious is doing its part of remedying that for you. If you're also having dreams about certain close female friends in your life, your dreams might just be a reflection of your strong connection to them.
It’s difficult to infer intonation or intent in a few sentences that were written by a person I don’t know in real life. I’m not sure if your use of the phrases, “enjoy all kinds of sexual activity” and “concerned that my psyche is trying to tell me something,” merely provide background and reflect your confusion about your dreams. I don't want to ignore the other possibility, though. Have you’ve found yourself wondering if you might be interested in exploring a relationship with a woman?
Having a dream about a woman doesn’t mean that you want to have sex with a woman, but it doesn’t mean that you don’t. There’s no wrong option here, as long as it feels right to you. If you might be interested in exploring a sexual relationship with a member of the same sex, I hope you feel comfortable doing so. If that’s not of interest to you, I imagine that your vivid dreams will subside when a new partner enters the picture.
Hope that’s helpful. Good luck! xoxo
Did I miss anything, readers?
Comments (4)
Relationships and Social Media
The growth of social media has expanded the definition of what constitutes cheating and provided new mediums for initiating and maintaining an affair. Internet infidelity, emotional affairs and inappropriate sexting with an ex weren’t an issue before the advent of laptops and smart phones. Navigating a relationship in the age of social media can thus seem trickier than climbing Mount Everest. There’s no guidebook or set path to follow.
What are five tips for avoiding some of the relationship pitfalls and dealing with what really matters in the age of social media?
1. Ground Rules: At a certain point in a relationship, patterns develop and rules are discussed. You know how often you’ll be seeing the person. You know who typically will be paying for a meal, doing most of the driving when you go out of town or picking up a bottle of wine for a dinner party. Once you move in with a person, there will be additional rules established for housework, bills and home maintenance.
Set ground rules for using social media. What photos do you feel comfortable sharing online? What accounts, information and pictures can be public? Can you be friends with people that you used to date? Does relationship status on Facebook matter to you? Could sharing too much about your relationship have negative professional ramifications or make you feel awkward around your family?
2. Established Norms: There are some rules that shouldn’t need to be discussed. However, it’s best to address everything before to avoid a potential fight later. Relationship issues or problems should not be discussed on any social network. There is absolutely no need for your friends, family and co-workers to know about your relationship problems. Period.
For those of you who blog, the same rules apply. Your significant other shouldn't be finding out your thoughts about the relationship for the first time by reading a post.
3. Friendships with Exes: As a general rule of thumb, it’s worth remembering that women traditionally care about any other woman that their significant other loved. Men, by contrast, care about any other man with whom their significant other had sex. That's important with respect to online communication since a huge benefit of social media is reconnecting with old friends. When those friends are exes, that’s not always a good thing for your current relationship.
Discuss this openly and make sure that you both are on the same page. One person in the couple may have more of a problem with friendships with exes online and off, and a compromise will be in order. You might need to weigh the costs of liking an ex’s status updates and photos against your current partner’s contentment. That should be an easy choice, but if there’s a reason why you want to stay in touch with a particular ex, communicate those reasons with your significant other.
4. Public Accounts: A healthy relationship requires trust, honesty and communication. Keep your accounts public to ensure that you think before you friend, follow, Tweet or comment. Don’t say anything via text, Gchat or email that you would have a problem with your partner seeing. It’s a slippery slope if you start to communicate with a member of the opposite sex in a secretive way. In this day and age, you don’t need to meet someone for a drink or have sex with another person for your significant other to feel as though you have been cheating.
5. Break Ups: For those of you who are over the age of 21, I would also address the fact that social media should not be used to end a relationship. (Breaking up via social media is tacky at any age, but there’s no excuse for it after college.) If you’re in an adult relationship, an in-person break up is warranted since there are emotions involved and possible logistics to discuss.
Communicating with your significant other offline is the key to successful online relationships.
What would you add to this list? How have you and your partner navigated social media pitfalls?
Comments (10)
Like sands through the hourglass
It's time for a reader's question, and this is a good one!
Question: My name is Ethan, and I thought you might be good to turn to for advice, so here goes. I met Jen, a very intelligent and attractive woman, at a museum exhibit opening a few weeks ago. She's a teacher in her early 30s. (I'm in my late 20s, so a little older than me.) We had been talking for about a half hour and really developed a great rapport. We had even made tentative plans to meet for coffee sometime.
Then, things suddenly went downhill. There was a pause in the conversation and since she had classic curves (large bust, narrow waist, etc.), I commented that she had a “really nice, hourglass figure.” My intent was to be complimentary and a little flirtatious, but instead she became deeply offended that I was talking about her figure. I went into damage control mode and tried to clarify my comments, but the more I talked, the more I exacerbated things as she rolled her eyes and shook her head. She told me I was being "inappropriate" and that she was "very disappointed," and then WHAP! She slapped my face and departed.
As I stood there alone rubbing my cheek, I was trying to figure out why she was so upset. Do you have any thoughts? Do you think I should email her an apology note?
Answer: Ethan, It sounds like that was a rough night for both you and Jen.
As a general rule, I recommend that guys steer clear of comments about a female’s weight or body type. Curves are a good thing to most men, but that doesn’t mean that a woman feels comfortable with having them. The use of the word, “hourglass,” might also be disconcerting to a woman, as it occurs when the hips and bust are of equal size.
To me, a Botticelli painting of women and their hourglass figures is sexy. Current standards of beauty unfortunately view those women as overweight, though. We don't know if Jen has been subjected to cruel comments about her figure or has body image issues. And, Jen didn't know you well enough to understand that you were being complimentary.
I advise never talking about a woman’s appearance on a first meeting or date and never ever talking about her weight. Hold off on making complimentary comments about her curves until you are in bed with her. (That ensures that there’s a level of comfort between the parties and that the comments are of a positive nature.)
When there are awkward pauses in a conversation, bring up something innocuous like the weather, sports, a movie or one of the pieces at the exhibit. Or, you can ask the other person a question about his/her place of birth, last trip, job or favorite restaurant.
I think we’ve all been in those situations when we try to clarify a comment that was misinterpreted only to make things worse. I’m not sure what else was said, but it was completely inappropriate for her to slap you, even if she was offended.
The fact that you are still thinking about her and this evening several weeks later shows that:
1) You felt a definite rapport with her; and/or
2) You feel really bad about what transpired.
You don’t need to contact her, and I imagine that she’s not expecting you to do so. However, if you’d like to apologize to her again, then a short email would be fine. You could write something to the effect of:
I wanted to apologize again for offending you. I sincerely enjoyed meeting you and feel badly that the evening ended as it did.
Regards, Ethan
I wouldn’t include a question or comment that requires her to respond. I also wouldn’t mention seeing her again. If she wants to contact you, she will. Otherwise, you might have to chalk this experience up to a lesson learned.
So, readers, what are your thoughts? How have you reacted to comments about your appearance from a person you were interested in?
Comments (11)
What can I do about the smell...?
A reader recently asked me the following question on Formspring:
I've been having a problem with strong vaginal odor. STD testing came back negative, but I'm not sure what to do. Any suggestions?
Answer: Thanks for your question, as I'm sure you're not alone! Since you didn't provide a lot of detail, I wonder:
Is the odor constant throughout the month? Have you had any hormonal or dietary changes recently, or are you on any medication? Are your periods normal?
I commend you for getting tested to rule out any infections. I hope that you and your doctor discussed your overall health and whether you need to see a specialist.
I assume your doctor let you know that douches are not a good solution. Douching can actually change the healthy bacteria in your vagina and has been linked to an increase in vaginal health problems. If you want to learn more about douching from Health and Human Services, click here.
I talked with two friends who have their PhDs in health, and we came up with several suggestions. You might wish to consider:
- Taking a probiotic supplement or increasing your yogurt intake. That idea is confirmed by Drs. Northrup and Oz to get the right balance of healthy bacteria in your vagina.
- Reducing or eliminating tobacco and alcohol from your diet.
- Limiting dairy (other than yogurt), red meat, foods with a lot of alkaline (like certain fish), garlic, broccoli and asparagus.
- Confirming with your doctor whether you were tested for a bacterial infection or BV.
- Increasing your intake of pineapple and orange fruit or juice. (Non-scientific studies have shown a link between taste/odor and intake of these fruits.)
- Increasing exercise to help sweat the unhealthy bacteria out. (Make sure that you're wearing cotton underwear that isn't too tight when you're exercising.)
- Investigating whether you could be having an allergic reaction to latex, a bath product (soap, tampons, powders, etc.), lubricant or toy. Make sure you're using natural products or eliminate one of them to determine if it's causing problems.
I hope that it can be resolved in the not so distant future. Please keep me posted.
It's worth remembering that clean, healthy vaginas have some natural odor. Our bodies are wild, wonderous things. We shouldn't be ashamed of them.
Readers, did I miss anything? Do you use any natural bath products or lubricants? What are your favorites?
Comments (2)
What if your man isn't a fan...of toys?
Let's try something new, shall we?
I receive several questions from readers and friends every week. You all give such great advice that I had an idea:
I relay one question a week. You all give your answers in the comments section. Then, in a few days, I'll write a post with my answer and include hyperlinks to a couple of commenters' blogs.
How does that sound?
Okay...here goes!
Question: I've never used an adult toy before, but lately, I've found myself wanting to try one. I mentioned the idea to my husband, and he got pretty offended by the suggestion. I asked him, "Why?" and he just told me that I'm married so I shouldn't need any toys. What should I do?
Comments (2)
Assuaging a husband's fears about sex toys
Question: I've never used an adult toy before, but lately, I've found myself wanting to try one. I mentioned the idea to my husband, and he got pretty offended by the suggestion. I asked him, "Why?" and he just told me that I'm married so I shouldn't need any toys. What should I do?
I posed this question to readers and Facebook followers, and received some great responses!
Susan questioned the husband's reasoning, writing, “It all comes down to why he 'doesn't like the idea,' yes? My best advice would be for them to go together to one of the classes that a local enlightened toy store holds and open up the discussion. If his unwillingness to 'allow' his wife to experiment with what feels good to her is because he's closed-minded, I'm not sure what to say.”
And, Teacher Girl suggested the following:
I would just buy one anyway and start using it on your own when he isn't around to learn what you like. Then, when you know and you are comfortable, invite him to watch you use the toy one day. I am sure he will be so turned on that he will learn that toys are not the enemy!
How would I tackle the situation?
1. Decide if you’re interested in using a toy by yourself or with your partner. If it’s for your own personal use, follow Teacher Girl’s advice. You can determine if and how you like the toy and if and when to invite your partner into the mix.
2. Communicate openly with your husband about why you want to try a toy and what his concerns are. In a recent study by Indiana University, research indicated that approximately half of those men and women surveyed had used a vibrator with their partner. It’s perfectly normal to want to experiment with sex toys, and it’s perfectly normal not to. (As with all intimate communication, broach this discussion at a time when both of you aren’t feeling rushed and there’s no expectation of sex.)
3. Figure out what your husband’s concerns are and if it’s possible to assuage his fears. At times, couples just need to agree to disagree. Your first toy might end up being something that you use discreetly by yourself. Or, there can be a meeting of the…let’s go with minds. Impress upon your husband that toys aren’t a substitute for sex or intimacy. Your interest in a vibrator doesn’t mean that you don’t want to have sex or that he doesn’t excite you. Rather, you hope that using a toy will make your sex life even better by increasing your pleasure and his!
4. Pick the right toy for you. Check out good recommendations for beginners. If you’ll be using a toy with your husband, find a toy that isn’t intimidating or phallic looking like the Lelo Siri. Then introduce it for a few minutes into your bedroom routine. You can also purchase a toy that’s intended for couple’s use like the Lelo Tor or Fun Factory Smart Balls. Another option is Teacher Girl’s idea to invite your husband to watch you pleasure yourself. If you're not sure what to buy or how to use the toys, follow Susan's advice and check out a sex-positive boutique or website!
I hope that with some communication and creativity, you and your husband figure out that you are both fans of sex toys in the bedroom. Keep me posted!
So, readers, what suggestions do you have? Did I miss anything?
Comments (2)
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