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Sexuality and Social Media
Is it sex?
How do you define sex?
I’ve written about this topic before, and I acknowledge that my definition has been very heteronormative. I’m a straight female who has only had sex with male partners. I consider it sex when there’s penetration vaginally or anally, but I don’t consider it sex when I give or receive oral sex.
I’ve been wondering lately, though, if my definition of sex marginalizes those who don’t identify with me. I would never question whether my lesbian friends needed to have penetration to be intimate with a partner so why do definitions matter so much? If my partner cheated on me with only oral sex, would I say that he hadn’t cheated on me? Of course not!
I started thinking about this a lot after reading the posts of one of my students, Carmen Rios. Carmen writes for Autostraddle, the world’s most popular, independently owned website for lesbian, bisexual and queer women. In a post on her blog about Learning About Sex Online, Carmen quotes the following passage from the e-zine:
We’ve gotten at least five billion questions via email and formspring from lesbians of all ages who haven’t had lesbian sex and are worried they don’t know “how.” Well, listen: enjoying sex isn’t about memorizing 16 positions or knowing the best angle to fuck from, enjoying sex is half-animal half-heart and only rarely has it got anything to do with your rational brain, or cognitive reasoning, or anything a person could tell you or anything you could read on the internet.
And whereas it’s true that one day you’ll be more confident and experienced than you are now, it’s also true that your body was born knowing how to have sex like it knows how to eat and knows how to walk. Your first time doesn’t have to be a big deal; some of us don’t even remember our first times. Alternately, if you want it to be a big deal, it can be. But ultimately every woman is different — totally, completely, entirely different — from the next. So what could we tell you, really?
In her project for my Sexuality and Social Media class, Carmen is exploring "the intersection of queer people, sex, and the Internet. The Internet is the new forefront for education. But for people who didn’t learn anything that applicable in sex education, it’s the entire classroom experience. [She wants] to examine how that changes the understanding of sex for queer people, and how the Internet has impacted their sexual lives."
Carmen included this chart on her blog recently, and I smiled when I saw it:
I like the way Autostraddle defines sex by not defining it narrowly or in a way that excludes anyone. I guess it’s time that I do the same. Does that mean I have to change my number, though ;)?
So, how do you define sex? Do you have a number of partners, and what had to happen to include a person on that list?
Comments (6)
How do you relay information on social networks?
On April 3, 2011, I spoke on a panel at the American University Social Learning Summit. The title of the panel was:
Where Do You Draw Your Line? Defining TMI on Social Networks.
My readers and friends know where I draw my line. I'm a sex blogger. There's very little about my dating life and relationship history that's off limits. I might use nicknames or change details that are irrelevant to the overall narrative, but for the purposes of my blog, including too much information is par for the course.
With that said, I still utilize a limited profile view for some friends on Facebook, and I blogged anonymously for two years to protect my legal career. I also continue to set boundaries as to how much personal information I share with others, depending on my goals and my audience.
I'm a big believer in listing the pros and cons of a situation, and I think that what information you put out on social networks warrants a list of its own. What are your goals for using Facebook, Twitter, a blog, LinkedIn or Foursquare? How much personal information do you share online, and who has access to it? Do your friends, family members, significant others, co-workers and clients share the same views as to what is TMI?
At the panel, I passed out a handout with these two slides on it:
How do you use social networks? What factors are important to you in deciding where to draw your line? What constitutes TMI to you?
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Sexual Genogram
For my Sexuality and Social Media class, I assigned a Sexual Genogram.
"What's a Sexual Genogram?" you might be wondering.
Sex Therapy in Philadelphia writes, "[t]he experiences we have had in our lives inevitably shape us into the person that we become. We all go through experiences that help to develop our personality, temperament, and other important characteristics that make us unique. Additionally, our experiences can create our patterns of behavior—both good and bad."
Those defining experiences impact our sexual development and behavior. I first heard about the Sexual Genogram assignment from Dr. Janell Carroll, a professor and author of the college textbook, Sexuality Now. Janell is a wonderful friend, educator and mentor and allowed me to modify her assignment.
The assignment for my class is as follows:
Think about your sexual history. Connect your early life experiences with your current understanding of yourself and sexuality in general. How does it, or does it not, impact you today?
Throughout the paper, ask yourself, “How did my cultural, religious, socioeconomic, ethnic, and family affect my own development? How do these experiences impact my current attitudes about my sexuality? What role, if any, did social media play in influencing my development and sexuality?”
Assigning this short paper has me thinking about what influenced my sexual development. When did I learn about sex? What was I attracted to? When were my first experiences with exploring, masturbation, orgasms and sex? What roles did my background and my family play in my development? How would my sexuality be different if I had grown up in the social media age?
I think this is a valuable assignment and not just for my students. I’m going to write my Sexual Genogram in the next few weeks, and I’m encouraging interested readers to do the same. If you’d like to post yours, but don’t feel comfortable doing so on your blog or don’t have your own site, I’m happy to post your Genogram here. No names or links required. xoxo
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A letter to my students
Dear Sexuality and Social Media Students:
Thank you for submitting your Sexual Genograms. After reading your papers, I became reflective on my development and sexuality from my childhood through my early 20s. I came to DC the summer after my junior year at the age of 20. When I think back on that year, I recall:
• Dancing on the platforms at the Fifth Column and the Vault (two clubs on F Street that no longer exist);
• Watching the sunrise from the window of my boyfriend’s apartment;
• Many a laugh with the other Wellesley interns, Bex and D. (I'm still friends with them all);
• Feeling like the world was my oyster educationally and professionally;
• A lot of partying;
• Starting to go paralyzed (wish I was joking); and
• Believing that I knew a lot about sex because I was comfortable with my sexuality and had a lot of sex.
I had two major relationships that year. One was with the Diminutive Russian and the other was with UConn Boy. There were a few common themes to those relationships:
• I was really naïve. I not only believed the best in them, but I thought I could change them. Both of them worked in the bar business, and both had problems with alcohol;
• I confused sex as love. Being in DC was the first time that I lived away from parents and professors and felt like an adult. I think I craved the comfort and stability that a relationship (seemingly) provided;
• I liked the rush of dating bad boys and the excitement of never knowing what would happen next, but I emotionally wasn’t strong enough to handle the downs without a lot of Kleenex nearby; and
• Body image issues. The Diminutive Russian constantly belittled my weight. Being an impressionable, Type-A 20-year-old girl, I lost 20 pounds in eight weeks after I met him. I found the strength by the end of the year to stop tolerating his abusive comments, and I moved out of his place a few days later. I started eating healthy again later that year with UConn Boy's help. He didn’t make a big deal about food or my body so I learned not to either.
By and large, that feeling of being at peace with my body lasted…until this year. Appreciating my post-treatment body has been really tough for me. I look at women playing with their ponytails and try not to cry. I don’t recognize myself in photos. I don’t open the closet with the dresses that are still tight after so many steroids. I cringe anytime someone gives me a compliment.
Your genograms reminded me of what matters, though. Every stage of our development brings with it changes. In college, you’re laying the foundation for who you are as an adult professionally and personally. You make mistakes, and you pick yourself back up. You try new things to figure out what you like and don’t like. You do your best to feel comfortable in your own skin and with your own sexuality.
During class, I look out at you all and see a room of beautiful, intelligent and compassionate students. I hope that none of you talks about yourself with any self-deprecation or thinks of yourself negatively. It's time I start taking my own advice.
Our appearance changes with each decade and certain life events (puberty, attending college, pregnancy, health issues, reactions to medications, etc.). We can do our best to accept what is and work toward what we want, or we can be so upset at our own reality that we undervalue ourselves. I don’t have control over my hair and weight right now. I can either let that define and limit me, or I can focus on what I do have. I can’t promise that I won’t cry at times over how different I look, but I can promise to you, my readers and myself that I will try to appreciate the body I have now. We all deserve that.
Thank you for inspiring me! I know that you will continue to do so long after I'm no longer your professor.
Best,
Stef Woods
PS You might enjoy reading my advice to my 20something self or my post about what happened when I ran into The Diminutive Russian in 2009. No Kleenex required.
PPS Relationship ups and downs are normal. Being subjected to demeaning remarks, controlling behavior and/or physical abuse is not; it's unhealthy and unacceptable. If you are a victim of dating violence, please reach out for assistance on campus or through the DC Coalition Against Domestic Violence.
Comments (2)
Third-Generation Birth Control
Have you heard of third-generation birth control?
The patch and the NuVa Ring fall into this category, while the Yaz family of birth control pills are classified as fourth-generation birth control.
I first learned of these terms, while reading an article that one of my students, Kelcie Pegher, wrote for a Colorado newspaper. The article is entitled, "When Being Safe Is Unsafe" and illuminated me as to some of the risks of these birth control methods.
Read more to find out about Kelcie Pegher's findings after her boss handed her the tragic obituary of a 24-year-old female.
For her final project in my class, Kelcie is exploring the following topic:
Generation Y is less prepared in communicating successfully in a romantic way with the opposite sex because their technological advances limit them. We live in a world with Facebook, Twitter, text messaging, talking on the phone and of course, real life. With my experiences and friends I find most people of my generation are uncomfortable with the basic idea of speaking with someone on the phone or when to friend someone they are interested in.
I would like to explore this by conducting interviews about the appropriate time and ways to talk to someone with romantic entanglements. I would also like to search articles and blog posts about the ways social media is changing our generation. I’m interested in this topic because I feel as though we’re emotionally stunting ourselves by having so much technology at our fingertips. I hope you’ll join me in my exploration and I will post my findings and research here.
Throughout the next two months, I'll be highlighting at least one post from each of my Sexuality and Social Media students' blogs. Given the limited amount of research on the intersection between the fields of new media and sexuality, my students are exploring cutting-edge topics, including:
- The appeal of online dating;
- Safe online spaces for queer youth;
- Internet safety and dating violence;
- Online sex education; and
- How females are portrayed by the music industry.
I hope you'll find a topic that interests you. xoxo
Comments (9)
Video Vixens, Female Musicians...and Double Standards
When I was an awkward 13-year-old girl who couldn't get a boy to call her, I found myself wishing I looked like an extra in a music video. I wanted to shed my glasses, braces, permed bob and baggy clothes for long hair, curves and leather. I dreamed of leaving the Academic Team to do cartwheels on a Jaguar like Tawny Kitaen. She exuded such confident and sex appeal!
What message was I being sent by the media and music industry regarding standards of beauty? How much has changed 25 years later with respect to how the music industry sexualizes women and perpetuates gender stereotypes and double standards?
When I read the project proposal of one of my Sexuality and Social Media students, Joan Ronstadt, I smiled. There needs to be more people examining this issue. Joan's proposal is as follows:
“Eye Candy,” “Pop Tarts,” and a million other degrading and useless terms are thrown at musicians. Some say that it doesn’t matter how talented you are (whether you have talent or the lack there of) as long as you look the part. The “part” is usually some variation of “sexy.” Unless you are insanely talented to the point that no one cares what you look like (this is impossible), you will be judged not on dedication and performance ability but on how short your skirt is.
Both male and female musicians face this problem. I’ve lost count how many times I’ve heard young girls say, “he’s my favorite band member because he has the best abs!” What? How does that affect his ability to play guitar? Unfortunately, and not surprisingly, women have it a lot worse than men. Female musicians, or females entering the music business/world as a whole, are subjugated to unsolicited commentary about their sexuality. This unsolicited commentary comes in the form of experts*. Either they are admonished for being too sexual or not sexual enough. Not to mention women who are “extras” in videos (I’m referring not only to Hip-Hop videos, but to the infamous “White Snake” video). Why is it that women in music receive attention for their levels of sexuality and not talent (or lack there of)? This is what I plan to find out!
I’ll be looking up blogs about music, sexuality, women and any combination there of. I’ll also be researching if there is in fact any scholarly information about this subject. A lot of this will be opinion based, but seeing as I’m investigating why online communities feel the need to share their opinions about females in the music industry’s sexuality, I feel like it’s relevant. I’m also going to be scouring gossip sites. Not for their content, but comment sections (primary sources!). I’ll also be conducting at least one survey. I will also look at interviews by the women I’m referencing to and try to get some interviews of my own.
The main reason I’m doing this is because, well I’m a woman, and I am/want to be part of the music industry. Not as an artist (haha, yeah right) but as a journalist. I have my own music magazine (shameless plug) and thought it would be interesting to learn more about the world I’m getting myself into and why exactly it is that my gender tends to be over-sexualized and then berated for it by the media or online communities.
*By experts I mean, a group of people who have a higher sense of self, free time and access to a computer.
Check out Joan's blog, Video Killed The Radio Star, to read more.
What are your thoughts about the double standards that exist in the music industry? Do you have a problem with how women are represented in certain videos and lyrics?
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Planned Parenthood and Komen
What are my views on the recent controversy between Planned Parenthood and Susan G. Komen?
Claim: Planned Parenthood doesn’t offer mammograms so it shouldn't receive funds from Komen.
My Thoughts: It's true that Planned Parenthood Centers don't have mammography equipment. However, health care practitioners at Planned Parenthood provide clinical breast exams and instruction in how patients can perform self-exams.
Self-exams and clinical breast exams are critical to breast health and early detection. They are the first line of defense in the fight against breast cancer. In addition, if a patient or practitioner finds a lump, Planned Parenthood provides necessary referrals for biopsies and follow-up care.
Claim: Susan G. Komen isn’t fiscally responsible.
My Thoughts: According to public financial records, 82.5% of the funds that Susan G. Komen receives go to program expenses. I view that as fiscally responsible, as does Charity Navigator and the American Institute of Philanthropy. Komen gave $72 million in one year in aid and grants to programs and research in the United States. Given the organization's overall impact on the cause, I don't have a problem if Executive Director Nancy Brinker makes $417,000 a year and flies first class.
Claim: The board at Susan G. Komen can give money to whichever programs and organizations it chooses.
My Thoughts: I agree with that. However, the reason why Komen discontinued its grant to Planned Parenthood wasn’t supported by evidence. Specifically, Komen continued to fund programs that were under investigation, including the medical center at Pennsylvania State University.
Other actions and inactions by the organization also raised some red flags for me.
- Why didn’t Komen executives agree to sit down in person with Planned Parenthood executives and discuss the end of a long-time annual grant?
- Why didn’t Komen utilize its marketing, public relations and social media resources to control the story and messaging?
- Why did Komen delete many of the comments it received on Facebook, rather than engaging in a two-way conversation?
- Why did Komen claim that its decision wasn’t politically motivated, and yet, its then Vice-President Tweeted differently?
- Why didn't Komen reinstate its grant to Planned Parenthood, rather than just allowing the organization to apply for grants with the disclaimer that Komen wishes to fund clinics that offer mammograms?
Over the past year, my students and I have talked about Planned Parenthood’s use of social media during the debt ceiling debate and Komen controversy. For Alex Lugovina’s final project in our Sexuality and Social Media class, she chose the following topic:
What has been the impact of social media on the current climate surrounding contraception in the United States? More specifically, how has Planned Parenthood used social media to deliver its message and services, and how has this impacted the organization? I chose this topic because I think it is critically important for all women to have access to healthcare in general and especially access to contraception. Planned Parenthood was reluctant to enter the social media world because of client confidentiality issues. They were able to work around that, and the recent controversy between the Komen Foundation and Planned Parenthood will show the importance of social media to Planned Parenthood.
In a recent post about the history of contraception and the economics behind birth control, Alex wrote:
“The typical American woman, who wants two children, spends about five years pregnant, postpartum or trying to become pregnant, and three decades–more than three-quarters of her reproductive life–trying to avoid pregnancy (Guttmacher).” Wow, 30 years trying to avoid pregnancy!
Almost half of all pregnancies annually are unintended and 3 of 10 pregnancies will end in abortion. More than 36 million women of reproductive age are in need of contraceptives.
So how do women -- 36 million women -- find and pay for contraceptives?
71% of these women can only afford contraceptives through publicly funded programs because they have an income below 250% of the federal poverty level, and 29% are under the age of 20 (Guttmacher).
I look forward to seeing how Alex’s project evolves and her examination of Planned Parenthood’s use of new media. Follow her posts and Tweets.
Now that the dust has settled a bit, what are your thoughts on the Planned Parenthood and Komen controversy? Will either organization receive your donations or time?
Comments (4)
Online Dating and Deception
I've tried online dating at various times over the years with limited success. I must admit, though, that I haven't been 100% honest on my profiles.
When I last had an online dating profile in 2008, my post-concussion syndrome symptoms were at their worst. (Back then, a high-pitched ring tone or whistling could cause me to vomit. I wish I was exaggerating on that one.) I didn't disclose details about that or any of my other health conditions. I figured that if I met someone with whom I had a strong connection, I would tell him about my health -- or he would see how I was affected -- soon enough.
Quite a few of my ex-boyfriends have lied on their online dating profiles, including the following:
"Buckeyes" Boy changed his race on Match with the seasons, even stating at one point that he's Latino. And, he still maintains that he played football in college.
According to his profile, Philly Matt had completed some college. Umm...that's news to me.
Military Attorney Boy clicked that he was either "Separated" or "Divorced" on his profiles. I later learned that his children were unaware that he and their mom weren't together anymore. (They thought their dad had to work out-of-town for a year.)
This topic has been on my mind, after reading the blog of Eleni Bakst, one of my students in my Sexuality and Social Media class. In her post regarding "Recreating Yourself," Eleni writes:
A potential downside of online dating is the possibility of misrepresentations in personal profiles. Recent survey research showed that “86% of online dating participants felt others misrepresented their physical appearance” (Hancock, Toma, and Ellison, 2007). Everyone tries to make the best first impressions, occasionally lying to make themselves look better, more fun, or more interesting. When creating an online profile there is an even greater temptation to be deceptive because daters know that everything they are writing is being “scrutinized by potential mates” (449).
Online daters can “engage in selective self-presentations—a more mindful and strategic version of face-to-face self-presentation. More specifically, asynchronicity ensures the relaxation of time constraints between profile creation and actual interaction with potential dates, such that users have more time to carefully formulate their self-presentation. ” (450). In addition, when online daters notice that something in their self-presentation attracts the wrong daters, they are able to go back and edit their profile, putting them at a great advantage when compared to “normal daters” (450). Online daters have the ability to create, edit, and re-edit the version of themselves that they feel most confident and happy about.
There are also certain factors that discourage deception on online dating profiles. When it comes to who lies about what, the answer lies all in attraction. Research has shown that men and women look for different features in potential mates. Generally, “men look for youth and physical attractiveness in their partners, whereas women look for ability to provide and indicators of social status, such as education and career” (450). Therefore, women are more deceptive regarding their physical characteristics and age while men are more likely to be deceptive about their social status or height (which is often associated with power and status).
In a study performed on New York City online daters using Match.com, Yahoo Personals, American Singles and Webdate, researchers witnessed that 81% of the participants lied on at least one of the variables assessed (452). The most frequently lied about variable was weight, then height, and then age (452).
While it may be particularly tempting to be deceptive when creating an online profile, it’s important to always be honest and open from the beginning. Find a person who wants you for who you really are, not for what they want you to be.
Wise words, Eleni! Her project will look at the following:
Do online dating sites really have the potential to create and maintain long-term meaningful relationships?
I can't wait to read more of her findings, including her transcripts from interviews with people who have tried online dating -- successfully and unsuccessfully.
Okay, it's time to 'fess up. Have you ever lied on an online dating profile, and if so, what about?
Comments (4)
The Science of Love
I rarely write about my dating life anymore, but suffice it to say that I'm happy. Really happy.
I'm with a man who is kind, communicative and loyal. I haven't always (often?) been able to say that I'm dating a good man, but I can now. And, that's perfect for this stage in my life.
My heart races a bit when I see him, and I feel this rush when he hugs me. When we're not together, I find myself daydreaming a lot and having trouble concentrating.
One of my Sexuality and Social Media students, Gabrielle, might tell me that it's the dopamine talking. For her class research project, Gabrielle is:
Comparing and contrasting the chemical processes that occur within the human body during online dating and face-to-face relationships. There is a rise in the chemical Oxytocin when social media users meet a love interest online as well as during a physical relationship. However, Pheromones are chemicals physically given off by the body and spark attraction within a romantic partner. Does dating through social media hinder the chemical processes of love or have our brains adapted to this modern way of life?
This post that Gabrielle wrote about the chemistry of love had me thinking about my own life:
Dopamine is first released (Newman 9). It is what makes a person want to spend more time with his or her love interest and gives them the initial “butterflies” (9). This neurotransmitter is also released when someone drinks or does drugs like caffeine, cocaine and crystal methamphetamine (Tomlinson). The chemical process of love actually induces addictive like behavior, “which explains the feeling of being addicted to your partner” (Newman, 9). A dopamine release also increases a person’s heart rate and energy, as well as restlessness (Tomlinson).
Dopamine is also the high a person feels when she or he takes a risk like skydiving or snowboarding down a half-pipe (Park). The unknown of a new relationship also has the same effect within the brain and this is why he or she often feels so exciting. The high in a relationship caused by dopamine may diminish over time (2). This can be caused by parenting and couples often find it difficult to hold on to romance (Blum, 3). All is not lost however. Dopamine has been shown to return and add a new spark to a long term relationship (3). Dopamine also comes back to influence attraction for people who have lost a partner, “Among the couples that Fisher is studying are newly met partners in nursing homes, people in their 70s and 80s, whose infatuation is just as intense as that shared by 20-year-old lovers” (3).
Years ago, one of my friends claimed that the best feeling in the world is falling in love.
Maybe she's right. Or, is it just the dopamine talking again? Read more about the chemical processes of love here.
What do you think about the science behind attraction and love?
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Sex Ed
The vows of abstinence break far more than latex -- Dr. Joycelyn Elders.
These powerful words from the closing keynote at last week’s Momentum Conference on Sexuality, Feminism and Relationships are still resonating with me. Dr. Elders joined fellow panelists and sexual educators Lara Riscol and Esther Perel to speak about Sex in America: Changing the Conversation between Smut and Sanctimony. The highlights on Storify are available here.
A fair amount of the session addressed the need for comprehensive sex education throughout the lifespan. Dr. Elders also commented that:
The best contraception is a good education.
The panel’s focus on sex education reminded me of one of my Sexuality and Social Media students’ projects. Demi is writing about whether sex should be discussed in the classroom. Specifically, she's exploring the conversation of sex education in schools and examining age appropriate health class discussions, contraception accessibility, and the teacher-student relationship in the classroom. She also is summarizing the sex education debate and concluding to what extent sexuality should be incorporated into the academic curriculum.
Demi has looked at reports about sex education in schools in the US, and the statistics are interesting to say the least. According to the National Conference of State Legislatures:
• 37 states require school districts to allow parental involvement in sexual education programs;
• Three states require parental consent before a child can receive instruction;
• 35 states and the District of Columbia allow parents to opt-out on behalf of their children;
• 21 states and the District of Columbia require public schools to teach sex education (including HIV education);
• 35 states and the District of Columbia require students receive instruction about STIs and HIV/AIDS; and
• 17 states require sex education curricula to be medically accurate and/or age appropriate. State policies vary in their determination of “medically accurate;” some require that state health departments review curricula, while others require that the facts taught come from “published authorities upon which medical professionals rely.”
I find it fascinating that so many legislatures and parents in this day and age still question the necessity of sex education. As Dr. Elders and so many other sex educators opine, sex education should occur from kindergarten through 12th grade. I look forward to reading more about Demi's findings.
What type of sex education, if any, did you receive? Did any of the above statistics surprise you?
Comments (1)
How do you define cheating?
What constitutes cheating?
That question might seem like a simple one, but in reality, the issue is far more complex.
Is an emotional affair cheating? A kiss? Flirtations via text or email that never amount to any in-person interaction?
The answers to these questions are subjective. If you’re in a relationship, especially in the age of social media, it’s worth communicating with your partner to set ground rules. What are acceptable interactions with others, and what isn’t? How do you both define cheating and unfaithful behavior?
Brittany Horowitz, one of my Sexuality and Social Media students, has been exploring whether social media and the Internet has changed how people define infidelity. She writes in this post about anonymity:
With the Internet being used as an outlet for sexual activity, it is interesting to look at the behavior taking place and decide if it can be considered infidelity. With cybersex, actual sexual behavior is not taking place in person. People are not physically touching one another, rather they are describing sexual acts to one another. However, some might argue that cybersex and other sexual behavior online can be considered detrimental to a relationship because it can qualify as emotional infidelity.
She also cites a study regarding online infidelity, in which authors Henline, Lamke and Howard state:
“Participants in this study included chatting with random people, keeping secrets from your partner, showing yourself to the online contact, and betraying the confidence of your partner in their descriptions of what should be considered unfaithful behaviors in a committed relationship” (123).
I was surprised to read that infidelity is no longer the number one cause for divorce. Why do people stay after one partner’s unfaithful behavior has been exposed?
According to Jill Brooke, people stay because of “[a] fear of loneliness. A fear of change. A dread of dismantling a family that you spent a lifetime constructing and having your children ping pong between two residences during holidays. There’s also a comfort in the rhythm of family life, the carpooling, the grocery shopping for more than one, the weekday nights eating at the oak table with your old wedding china.”
Read more of Brittany’s findings on the subject here.
How do you define cheating? Would you stay – or have you stayed -- if a partner cheated on you?
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Play a Simple Melody
what i want to do is write, with my face very close to the page, carefully carving out the lines that will tell you what i’m discovering. and then i want to sing you those lines. the ones that fell out of my pen when i tried to do something academic. so here it is. jumbled but honest, just the same.
about a year ago i discovered the internet. well, i knew about the internet. aim turned into msn turned into yahoo and askjeeves and google to myspace to facebook to gmail to youtube to youporn to hulu. i knew about the world wide web. but a year ago, when i was lost in a mess of my own sexuality and dependency and confused, emotional, political, gray space, i started a blog. on tumblr. an extremely quiet blog without my name or my photo and rarely an original thought. and then i slowly began to make my way into the queerest, most liberating, strange space i had ever known. i spent hours a day, scrolling through photos of outfits and landscapes, tent forts and tattoos and fancy cappuccinos. and videos of people’s girlfriends and boyfriends and boifriends and grrrlfriends and kittens and questions and do it yourself beanbag instructions and kitchen herb gardens and hormone updates and advice on everything under the sun. and there was humor and pain and people wrote about their feelings and their breakups and i wrote about my feelings and my breakup. and there was gender. and sexuality. and so. much. fucking. gender. more than i had ever seen. there were boys and women and girls, men, butches, femmes, bears, twinks, androgynes, genderqueer and genderfucked and genderfluid, mtf, ftm, mtftm, ftmtwtf, transmen, transwomen, transfags and dykes and queers and birls and fairies and bdsm and softbutchgrrlylesbois and gays and bis and trans* folks and polyamorous, pansexual, transsexual, omnisexual, demisexual, asexual, all sexual porn. and stories and pictures and names and pronouns and questions and answers and everything in between the certain and the totally fucking uncertain. and it was all right there. on my computer. on tumblr. on youtube. right there behind my screen. and i was on the outside—safely out of reach. safely anonymous, safely in denial, dangerously curious. they inspired me. they confused me. they lit up a sexy little fire in the pit of my stomach that i called…intellectual curiosity. academic interest. research. that’s valid. that’s understandable. that’s safe. something i would later come to realize was kinship. a very painful perfect, deep—rooted secret connection. i had found the frayed end of a rope and i wanted to follow it. but it took me a while to figure out that the anchor on the other end was me.
***
This post was written by one of my Sexuality and Social Media students, Maggie Campbell. The beauty of her words inspire me.
For her class project, Maggie explored the following:
What meanings do trans* and genderqueer folks find in online communities? How is social identity formed through collective association with content? Communities created on sites like Tumblr and Youtube operate within frames that determine aspects of reality for the individual and the group. My guess is that these communities provide folks the opportunity to share knowledge and experiences, create solidarity, access sexual images that reflect their bodies and identities, and explore gender fluidity.
The way I see it, the possibilities for expression of gender and sexual identities in the context of queer online space are expanded far beyond that of performance in public, or even private, offline space—an already transformative and dynamic experience is now situated within an equally malleable platform.
Join me in finding out what Maggie discovered on WordPress and Tumblr. You can also follow her on Twitter. I don't know where the future will take Maggie after she graduates, but as a card-carrying member of her fan club, I can't wait to find out!
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Domestic Violence Is Not A Joke
The Internet is a large, open space where everyone has the ability to voice his or her opinion. What happens when that opinion is in support of abuse? A blog post last year addressed the hashtag that began trending on Twitter: #reasonstobeatyourgirlfriend (Gruber). Twitter says, "the # symbol, called a hashtag, is used to mark keywords or topics in a Tweet. It was created organically by Twitter users as a way to categorize messages" (“What Are Hashtags”). For victims of domestic violence, a hashtag like this could not only serve as a trigger, but it normalizes violence against women. The blog article asks its readers if Twitter should remove hashtags that imply violence: 60% said yes, 30% said no, with 10% saying it depends on who the violence is aimed towards (Gruber).
In response to this hashtag, an online petition was started. The petition states, "this weekend, the hashtag ‘#reasonstobeatyourgirlfriend’ became the world’s number one ‘trending topic’ on Twitter. Thousands of users submitted reasons domestic violence would be acceptable including ‘dinner’s not ready’ and ‘she distracts you from watching television’” (“Tell Twitter”). The petition argues that Twitter bans hashtags that include curse words in them, and therefore, a topic that promotes abuse and violence should not be allowed on Twitter either (“Tell Twitter”). The petition had a goal of 10,000 signatures, and as of April 17th 2012, it had 8,784 signatures (“Tell Twitter”).
Of course this topic brings up the question of first amendment rights and free speech. One article argues, however, “Twitter’s policy states that ‘if you don’t like a topic, don’t read about it.’ Easier said than done when the topic in question is on the right side of every page, staring you in the face” (Aumiller). Especially for those who are personally affected by domestic violence, having such violence encouraged on a social media platform can be especially damaging. I think something like this is damaging for other populations as well. It teaches young women that they are not worth respecting, and it teaches young men that they have the right to say what they want about women, regardless of what kind of violence or disrespect that implies.
***
When I read the above blog post, written by my Sexuality and Social Media student, Dani Nispel, I was incensed. I recalled the Tweets during the 2012 Grammys, in which women claimed that they would let Chris Brown beat them any day. In my opinion, a person's right to expression on Twitter should not override a person's human right to a life free of violence. Allowing Tweets to trend that normalize domestic violence should not be allowed. Twitter regulates trending topics and bans Tweets that contain obscenities or are regarded as spam. Tweets glorifying violence of any kind should be similarly prohibited.
If you feel the same as I do, I hope you'll consider signing the online petition to "Tell Twitter: Domestic Violence Is Not A Joke."
If you're interested in reading more about the intersection of domestic violence and technology, I highly recommend that you check out Dani's blog. As she details in her project proposal,
There are harmful risks such as stalking, spyware, and information sharing, and these may or may not be offset by the improvement of resources made available to allow individuals to get help. Technology has expanded the resources to help victims, but it has also allowed perpetrators to use technology to further their abuse.
Thank you, Dani, for writing about this important topic and bringing this issue to our attention. As someone who has worked with domestic violence victims in the past, you've inspired me to think about what more I can do in the future.
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SEXial mEDia
Earlier in the semester, my Sexuality and Social Media students and I discussed this video from Bedsider.org:
What are your thoughts on how the video encourages birth control use?
One of my students, Emjay, conducted her research for her class project on whether social media outlets specifically targeted towards sexual education are effective in their real world application. She explored Bedsider's offerings, including its section for "Reminders." Emjay writes:
“Set up a reminder and leave the rest to us” is the tag line (Bedsider). Speaking as someone who uses this feature on my phone I can say they really do take care of everything. There are two options of reminders: appointment or birth control reminder. You must certify that you are over the age of 13 and have a cell phone or have the expressed consent from an account owner. Under the appointment reminder you select the date and time of the appointment then if you would like the reminder sent to your e-mail or your phone. I have the reminder sent directly to my phone but you can text “STOP” to end it or “HELP” for more information.
For the birth control reminder you first select the type of birth control from ring, pill, patch or shot. These are the only options because according to Bedsider, “These are the only methods you need to remember on a set schedule, separate from the heat of the moment. It’d be tough for us to remind you when to use a condom or put in a sponge—there’s no way we could know when you’re going to get busy!” (Bedsider). (Although I wish there was an reminder for condom use, that might get a little creepy.)
At your selected date and time, Bedsider then texts you a fun messages like, “Two new findings suggest: Women prefer men with deep voices. Men with deep voices have lower sperm counts. No matter what he sounds like, please take your pill.” However, you can also select for a “less frisky option” (@Bedsider) that makes no mention of birth control or your specific method. Instead of setting an alarm or constantly being aware of what time it is, Bedsider provides a fun way to remind yourself to take your birth control.
For her project, Emjay also held a roundtable discussion with nine college students to: 1) evaluate the information contained within eight popular sex education websites; and 2) engage in open dialogue about sex and sex education. Click here to find out which websites the group liked the best and follow Emjay on Twitter for related updates!
PS Emjay came up with the catchy title for her blog and this post. Social Media + Sexual Education = SEXial mEDia!
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Online Cheating
There was once a simpler time for intimate relationships. When your communication is based entirely on face-to-face conversations, dates, and truly getting to know and trust one another, two people have the ability to really connect.
This concept is now long gone. With multiple new platforms of communication, including cell phones, email, and, of course, Facebook, people in young relationships have a dozen new things to worry about. At what point do I add him as a friend? Are personal wall-posts appropriate? Should I list him as my boyfriend? How many old pictures of him can I look at before it’s creepy? Are high school prom photo shoots too far back?
Clearly social media has changed relationships. In some cases, it brings them closer. It’s easier than ever to learn more about the person’s likes and personality. Partners in long distance relationships have opportunities to stay close. Yet I’m curious: how has social media affected the level of trust in a relationship? Are chances of cheating higher? What about jealousy? I want to learn more about intimate relationships and social media’s affect on trust, jealousy, and infidelity. I believe this information will give insight into online communication and how it affects one person’s ability to become intimately close to another.
In the above project proposal for our Sexuality and Social Media class, Kyle Dunphy selected a key topic in the intersection of digital technology and sex. Her blog explores relevant issues such as the definition of cheating, whether sexting constitutes cheating, and if cheaters can change their behavior.
Kyle writes:
There are two very important traits that the cheater must possess in order to defeat the “always a cheater” stereotype. First, the cheater must have a strong desire to change their behavior. Although people can often be against the idea, sometimes counseling is a necessity. Mr. Goodbar, an alias for the self-proclaimed cheater and author of the book “The Married Man’s Guide to Cheating,” explains that not enough couples go to counseling, “which can be the key to saving a marriage when the infatuation wears off” (Weigel). As an online cheater, “you don’t actually realize that you’re growing close to someone on the internet because it just looks like you’re having conversation” (English). In this case, you have very little desire to separate yourself from the online world. “Someone who cheats can choose to blame others or they can pause and go deeper and sort of wake up to their life” (Weigel).
Second, the cheater must understand the reasons why he or she strayed from the relationship. When Dr. Kent-Ferraro had an affair that resulted in divorce, he took time to himself and analyzed his behavior, determined his reasons for cheating, and then proved his trustworthiness and affection for his wife again (Kent-Ferraro). Once he was able to pinpoint the reasoning behind his behavior, he was able to change his beliefs and his actions.
So, readers, do you think that a cheater will always cheat?
Want to learn more? Check out Kyle’s blog and Tweets.
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