Cheat Sheet
I have had a “healthy” dating life. (Feel free to submit that comment for the understatement of the year.) Several people have asked for a chart or diagram so that they can easily remember the usual suspects or my main partners-in-crime. Here’s my version of a cheat sheet:
Boston Christian: My high school love from Massachusetts. From 1988-1989, we shared a lot of firsts together. (Losing our virginity, having orgasms and going to prom all come to mind). We lost touch in 1990 and reconnected 17 years later via Myspace. In June of 2007, I went to visit him in Cambridge for a week. He got married in 2009, and we spent some time together as friends in 2010.
Stats: A year older than me, Irish-American, light brown hair and blue eyes, 6’1”, 170 pounds. Think cute white boy who would easily blend into a crowd.
Why didn’t we work? The same issues of distance and complacency that plagued us in high school were still present in 2007. His visit to DC in 2010 only confirmed my feelings that we weren't a good match as adults.
The Diminutive Russian: The guy I moved to DC for. We met when I was a college intern and dated for seven months. There were far more tears than laughter with him, especially when I found out how many lies he had told me. We had sex again a few times in 1997 and 2000, went out for a bizarre dinner in 2004, and ran into each other on P Street this past March. He’d like to hang out again, but I’d prefer not.
Stats: Two years older than me, Russian (hence the nickname), medium brown hair and eyes, 5’6”, 140 pounds (guessing, but he’s petite). Imagine Little Lord Fauntleroy and that’s The Diminutive Russian.
Why didn’t we work? Back in 1994, I wanted a solid commitment, and he had way too many women in his life. Now, I just don’t have the patience for his drinking, lack of motivation, belligerence and depressive personality.
UConn Boy: My first grown-up love from DC. From 1994-1995, we had a very intense relationship. I knew that our personalities and goals weren’t good for the long term so I broke up with him, but for years, I couldn’t let him go. I later learned that he had a coke problem to go with his penchant for way too much booze. I was an enabler where he was concerned, and he played a lot of Jedi mind tricks to keep me with him. We dated a bit from 1997-2001, but then I didn’t see him again until 2005. I will always have a soft spot where UConn Boy is concerned, but by 2005, I had absolutely no desire to date him again.
Stats: Nine years older than me, black with medium complexion, 6’3”, 300 pounds (about 250 when we first dated) with the biggest calves you’ve ever seen. UConn Boy played basketball for the school and has a larger than life personality. His build looks much more like a football player than a basketball player, though.
Why didn’t we work? In 1995, I was too clingy, and he had drug and alcohol problems. We had both matured a little by 2001, but not enough to make things work. By 2005, I was in a totally different place in my life. With time and emotional distance, The Ex had become just An Ex.
The Chef: We started dating in October of 1997 -- two months after my Mom died. I’m not one for traditional relationships, but that mode felt right with a guy as sweet as The Chef. On our third date, he spent the night, and for all intents and purposes, he didn’t move out for a year. I had broken up with him several times between May and August of 1998, but we kept getting back together. When his job transferred him to Cleveland in September, we ended things for good.
Stats: Two years younger than me, long brown hair with a goatee (at least in the late 90s), warm brown eyes, 6’1”, 190 pounds. The term, “emo,” wasn't popular back when I dated The Chef, but it describes him to a tee.
Why didn’t we work? I think I was drawn to The Chef to be there for me at a time when I was too devastated to grieve my Mom’s death. After a year, though, I needed to do that -- on my own.
Married Matt: We met in 1998 through a mutual friend, Bridezilla, when we were both single, but never felt any chemistry between us. Then, he got engaged to Katie and we had a one-night stand. From 2001 to 2003, we had an affair that was full of highs and lows. I don’t know if I loved him, but I definitely invested a lot of emotional energy in him. I told him that our affair would need to stop when he and Katie decided to have children. He kept that information from me as long as possible, but his lies made it easier for me to move on.
Stats: Five years older than me, biracial with a light black complexion, 6’4”, 225 pounds. He played pro baseball after college and had a very buff build when we met. He then started doing triathlons and became lean and muscular. I don’t normally date pretty boys (as in, a guy who could model), but Married Matt was definitely a pretty boy.
Why didn’t we work? I think I’m stating the obvious, but he has a wife and kids. Oh, and he lies and cheats. Yeah, that covers it.
Basketball Boy: We met in January of 1995. He was a freshman in college and the guy I was dating at the time (Georgetown Boy) had taken him under his wing since he had played in the minors. For two years, Baseball Boy and I frequented all of the same Georgetown bars until I moved uptown and he left DC to play basketball in Europe. In February of 2002, we ran into each other at Clarendon Ballroom. We went out on our first date several weeks later and then were on and off (and on and off) for several years. Our big break-up occurred in the first week of June of 2005, after I surprisingly got pregnant and he wasn't supportive. We became friends again in late 2006 and stayed in that mode until earlier this year. In February of 2009, he sent me an e-mail to stop blogging about him and claimed that he wasn’t commitment-phobic. He reached out to me when he heard that I had cancer, and we check in with each other on occasion.
Stats: Two years younger than me, medium black complexion, 6’5”, 250 pounds. Simply put, I like big, black, rough, athletic guys, and that's Basketball Boy.
Why didn’t we work? When we started dating, I was still with Married Matt. When we dated each other exclusively, we lived in different states. And, as commitment-phobic as I was, Basketball Boy was more so. He is one of those guys who can’t balance work and relationship (or at least couldn’t do that with me). When we broke up in June of 2005, he truly broke my heart and shattered it in a million little pieces. A lot of my friends cringe when I even bring up his name.
Lawyer Boy: In January of 2003, we met at Vida in DC. We had an instant and intense connection that carried over into the bedroom. That May, I found out from a mutual friend that he lived with his girlfriend, Darby. I ended it immediately, but that didn’t exactly stick. I am like a moth to a flame when Lawyer Boy is around, and our attempts to remain solely platonic friends were futile. Somehow our shared love of anal sex and the law always drew us back to each other. From July of 2007 to November of 2008, I was his mistress, and our emotional connection deepened. In November of 2008, I ended things with Lawyer Boy, and Darby found out about our affair. I haven’t seen Lawyer Boy since then. Lawyer Boy and Darby had a daughter in 2009 and moved out of the area in 2010.
Stats: One year older than me, 6’0”, 180 pounds, light brown hair and blue eyes. Lawyer Boy reminds me of a cross between Dylan McDermott and the actor who plays Dr. Sean McNamara on Nip/Tuck.
Why didn’t we work? Hmm...Darby, Lawyer Boy’s lies and the fact that I had been pigeonholed as “The Other Woman" all come to mind.
Philly Matt: We met at a club in Philadelphia in April of 2005. When Baseball Boy and I broke up, I started seeing Philly Matt. He was the first guy to help me out with health stuff and the first guy who went away with my friends and me. For about a year, we made the long distance thing work.
Stats: Four years older than me, dark black complexion, 5’10”, 180 pounds. Philly Matt is very handsome, in great shape and a good dresser. Any friend who met him would inevitably mouth to me, “He’s Hot,” within five minutes.
Why didn’t we work? The distance was tough. He had also expected to go overseas for work for six months, and I wanted to know where we were going if I was expected to be faithful to him during that time. That whole experience turned me into a nagging woman and him distant and aloof. In the end, we wanted different things out of a serious relationship.
Almost five years later, we still talk often and see each other regularly. Sometimes, our interaction is completely platonic, while other times, it's not. I describe him as one of my closest friends and am thankful to have him in my life. In 2011, Philly Matt betrayed me at a time when I needed his friendship the most. We no longer are in contact, and I don't see that changing.
Buckeyes Boy: Met him at the DC Twestival in September of 2009. I was attracted to him from the moment we met and wondered if he was The One after our first date. A week later, we decided that we would move in together once he got a job in DC. Our relationship was great for the first month, but then he became emotionally distant and demanding. He expected me to pay for everything, lived in my home rent-free, and would become belligerent when I asked him to check-in with me about his plans after work. "Buckeyes" Boy went home for Thanksgiving, called me while he was away, and then proceeded to break up with me by blocking me on Twitter. (Yes, that really happened.) After we broke up, I learned that he had lied to me about quite a few things. The end of our relationship wasn't easy, but I realized how much I grew from the experience.
Stats: Four years younger than me, 6'2", 245 pounds, light black complexion, arms the size of my thighs, and an amazing smile that lights up the room.
Why didn't we work: "Buckeyes" Boy is a pathological liar. 'Nuff said.
Mr. Exec: Met him at a charity event in October of 2009, when I was still living with "Buckeyes" Boy. We dated in early 2010 for only a month. (He had promised to help me out after I had received a concussion and never followed through.) We reconnected a month later, while I was out on a date with his best friend, Best Boy. Mr. Exec and I began seeing each other again, and he was with me the night I was diagnosed with cancer. He insisted that we were a team, but continued to flirt with other women and ask them out right in front of me. When it was clear to me that he wasn't able to be there for me during my surgery and treatment, I stopped contacting him.
Stats: One year younger than me, 6'1", 200 pounds, light black complexion and blue-green eyes that look like the ocean in the Caymans.
Why didn't we work: Mr. Exec is a belligerent, narcissistic, alcoholic.
Best Boy: I also met Best Boy, Mr. Exec's best friend, at the October 2009 charity event. I began spending time with him platonically in 2010. After Mr. Exec and I stopped dating, Best Boy and I started sleeping together in a friends-with-benefits arrangement. One month later, I began to date Mr. Agency exclusively and told Best Boy that we couldn't be more than friends. We reconnected once it was clear that Mr. Agency and I would not work as a couple. Best Boy and I still see each other from time-to-time, but we know that it's better for us to be friends.
Stats: Two years younger than me, 6'4", 200 pounds, light black complexion with a warm smile and lean body.
Mr. Agency: Met him at a Masquerade Party in July 2010. Shortly after that, we started to snuggle and get to know each other. That progressed to spending several nights a week together, as we tried to date in spite of his 100+ hour work week and my chemotherapy treatments. We would sleep together on occasion through April of 2011 before we just decided to be friends.
Stats: Two years younger than me, 6'2", 220 pounds, medium black complexion with long eye lashes and a perfect smile.
